Lust and Found
by Phazon Droid
Summary: Due to a recent decrease of missions, Konoha has become a dull village. Eager to liven things up, Kakashi and Jiraiya distribute a powerful aphrodisiac throughout Konoha that causes the villagers to experiment with and fulfill their hidden sexual desires
1. Snatching the Goods

**Phazon:** Greetings, Naruto fans and others alike. This fiction originally began as a parody of the 1981 movie _Porky's_, but after seeing more things, it will turn out to be more than that. It may feature some out of character…ness by the characters, breaking the fourth wall, and odd moments, but I hope readers will still enjoy that. I would appreciate type of feedback you have.

_Disclaimer:_ Of course I do not own the Naruto characters. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto and him only. All I own is this fan fiction, and that's it, so don't sue!

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**Snatching the Goods**

****

When you're a shinobi, fucking ought to be the last thing on your mind. That's all about to change.

It was a dull, dismal, boring day in Konoha, like it normally was. Missions had dwindled to a minimum, meaning that the various teams of shinobi, Team 7 among them, had very little to do, other than just dawdle around and bother other people.

In his living quarters, Kakashi smiled through his mask as the AC ran full blast whilst he found a new way to enjoy his time that _didn't_ involve reading _Icha Icha Paradise_. No, his new interest came in the form of a movie he was currently watching. He stood to his feet as he began to state, word for word, the line said on the screen.

"Next Saturday night, we're sending you back…to the future!"

Man, oh man, did Kakashi enjoy this strange movie with Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox. Though it had nothing to do with his normal life, he couldn't help but be interested with the whole thing about time and space. It was something he could get into when Anko wasn't around to bother him

"Now those guys know how to live it up," he muttered to himself before taking another sip of his beverage at his side…until he stopped in between sips and stared at the liquid in front of him.

A half assed idea that usually came in bad made for TV movies and sitcoms was now forming in his mind. If some drinks could get a few tipsy, what if he could create a new type of refreshment that would open up everyone's minds and hearts, so to speak, as well as create some scandalous events around dull Konoha.

Herein lies the problem: How in the hell was he going to create an aphrodisiac without being questioned or interrupted? And besides that, who could he confide in, if at all?

It then hit the sensei on the head like a mallet to a nail.

Jiraiya.

----------------------------

Scene shifts to outdoors where three witches were brewing up a storm. Or…rather, two perverts who were currently watching an Easy-Bake oven.

"So you say it cooks…like a regular microwave?" Kakashi asked.

Jiraiya nodded, his gaze never leaving the oven. "Exactly; everyone loves hot food, and women always go for a guy that can cook. Now, what's this about wanting to make a sex drug?"

"Well, isn't there a research lab where we can steal one?"

Konoha's research district indeed had special facilities that specialized in testing, modifying, and developing new fangled drugs that were best suited for animals. There rarely was a time when the drug was developed for human purposes.

"One of us will have to steal one, but it's guarded by flying monkeys," Jiraiya explained.

Kakashi blinked and stared in confusion. "Flying…monkeys?"

"Hai," Jiraiya responded, putting on some oven mitts, "apparently the monkeys are stronger because they can fly, but it's nothing serious."

"Then I may as well do it," Kakashi said, "though I'll need a picture of one of the employees so I can--"

In a flash, Jiraiya had a picture of a provocative young woman with a skimpy skirt on. She was an employee for sure.

"I needn't tell you how I got this," Jiraiya said, laughing slightly before his tone grew serious, "but I want that back…_very_ soon. Now, want some cookies?"

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Outside Konoha's medicinal center, Kakashi was around the back, a mental image of the woman still in his mind. He put his hands together, also hoping that no one would hear him.

"Henge no jutsu," he called as he immediately transformed into that same woman with the ample bosom, attractive set of legs…and the one eyebrow.

"This better work," Kakashi muttered in the best female tone he could muster as he briskly walked inside the facility like he owned the joint. He received some stares from many men whom he assumed watched the woman normally when she graced them with her presence. Soon enough, he approached a man in a white suit who was going over 'Top Secret, Dangerous Stuff.'

"Um, excuse me," Kakashi said, tapping the man on his shoulder and receiving his attention. "I was wondering about that aphrodisiac that was being developed."

The man smiled. "You must mean 'Project 8765309: Dangerous Sex Drug.'"

"Well…I guess so," he responded. "I'm looking for enough to get a large group of my friends drunk and horny."

"You're in luck," the official responded, "seeing as administration was steamed about the drug and wanted us to get rid of it, you can take the whole thing. The secret to creating it is on the bottle itself, but if you develop it for your own uses…keep it on the down low. If not, the consequences could be dire."

Kakashi simply blinked. "Go on…"

"That's it. Christ, Betty, what's gotten into you nowadays?"

The man gave Kakaishi a key that would enable him to enter the room with the aphrodisiac, as well as an AK-47 to deal with the flying monkeys.

Kakashi walked, thinking about how Jiraiya could possibly be infatuated with a woman named BETTY, as well as whatever jokes he could use on him when he got back.

"Betty," Kakaishi muttered as he slid the key card that would give him access to the drug, "of all the nerve of him. Why not Mitzi or Atiku? Those are much nicer names."

Kakashi opened the door and came face to face with a mean looking primate that eyed him menacingly. There were at least twenty monkeys that were lined across the room, eying Kakashi, who was still under the guise of a twenty something woman, but none of them attacked.

"O…kay," he concluded as he stepped over bananas and some brown sludge he wouldn't mention, "I'll just be taking these vials and I'll go."

He took the various vials of the aphrodisiac, looking at the instructions on the back of how to make one's own, and smuggled them into a brown paper bag he'd brought just in case he had to suffocate a monkey.

As Kakashi approached the door, backing up, he felt his womanly leg stopped by a monkey's embrace. The creature apparently wanted a look up the female's skirt, and Kakashi, not wanting to leave with monkey bites, hesitantly lifted up the woman's skirt as the monkeys began to whoop and holler…in monkey lingo.

_This better be some powerful stuff_, he thought to himself as the monkeys began advancing on his female body.

-----------------------

Jiraiya was biting into another cookie while reading a model catalogue when Kakashi returned, back as his original self and bruised from head to toe with monkey bites.

"Did you get the stuff?"

"I get abused and attacked by monkeys, and all you want to know about is the sex drug?"

"Yes, yes," Jiraiya replied anxiously, "is that all of it?"

"And more," Kakashi said, walking in and dumping the bag, "there's tons of the stuff, but we need a quick way to spread it.

Jiraiya stopped and pondered this for a moment. There would have to be a huge distribution system; something that he knew _everyone_ would partake of, but that was out of the question. There was no eatable fad that all divulged in, save for the ramen shop where everyone seemed to know your name. Sake wouldn't work either, seeing as many of the targets weren't old enough to drink yet, but that would be the whole point.

Kakashi was the first to break the silence.

"What about the toso that they've been serving at the ramen shop? That's good enough for the younger ones to try."

"Uh, don't they usually break that stuff out around the New Year time?"

"They claim that the toso will attract a younger audience, so they must've figured, 'What the hell?'"

"What the hell, indeed," Jiraiya said as he jumped in his seat, "let's get this stuff over there and watch the clothing fly."

"It won't make them horny, J," Kakashi said to a now disappointed Jiraiya.

"….just kidding!"

And with that, the two perverted guys who could take on Muten Roshi in a battle of reading adult magazines left Jiraiya's home, both of their backs weighed down with bottles and bottles of the potent sex drug ready to release on an unsuspecting Konoha.


	2. First Come, First Sexed Up

**Phazon:** We now enter phase two of operation "Sex Drug." Thank you all for your feedback on chapter one, even though I had to ask people as opposed to waiting, but nonetheless, thank you for you words, and I plan to push the envelope as far as I can and still maintain a T rating before they force me to go to M. We haven't entirely gotten to the point where the sex drug makes everyone do kooky and crazy things, for we have to get there through this chapter. So enjoy.

_Disclaimer:_ Of course I do not own the Naruto characters. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto and him only. All I own is this fan fiction, and that's it, so don't sue!

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**First Come, First Sexed Up**

Teuchi, or as Uzumaki Naruto referred to him as, 'old man,' was sitting in a stool in his newly expanded ramen shop that could now acquire many as opposed to just those who got to the seats first. It now truly looked like a flourishing business and more like a restaurant, but their food never changed.

"So what I'm hearing is," he began, twiddling his thumbs at the proposition, "what I have before me is a goofy, get me sexed up drug that'll get everyone in Konoha randy and wanting sex…and for this to happen, I have to let the two of you slip it into the sake as well as the toso for the younger ones, even into some of my food? And you're positive that no one will ever suspect a thing?"

Kakashi nodded, slinging the bag over his shoulder when it began to sag. "That's right. This village will be so knocked up, it'll be like they were…um…playing Dig Dug!"

'That doesn't make any sense," Jiraiya complained to the other pervert.

"It doesn't have to; let's just get this stuff in before the entourage arrives."

"That'll be no problem," Ayame said, stepping out from another room, "everyone doesn't start showing up for another half an hour or so."

Jiraiya started looking through random doors in a crazed frenzy. "That doesn't give us much time! Teuchi, where's the kitchen!"

"Right in the next door."

The three walked into the kitchen and were greeted by a large assortment of pots, pans, stoves, utensils, and one large pot that contained a strange green liquid. Next to it was a smaller pot with a yellowish, reddish liquid.

"The green would be the sake, the other for the toso," Teuchi explained, "just don't overdo it."

"Yeah, yeah, details, details," Kakashi said, waving his hand uninterestingly, "let's start getting randy!"

Kakashi then took at least five vials of the aphrodisiac, popped the caps, and began pouring the dangerous liquid into the larger pot, the already prepared sake bubbling when it was mixed with the sex drug.

Jiraiya was mirroring Kakashi's movements when he poured even more vials into the pot intended for the younger folk of Konoha. However, if Kakashi knew one thing, it was that Naruto, nine times out of ten, wasn't going to drink or even sip sake, let alone down an entire glass.

"Where's the ramen?"

Turned out Ayame was preparing the final touches when she added Char siu to the perfectly cooked concoction. If there was one thing she knew, everyone always liked that taste of the barbecued pork in the ramen. What she wasn't prepared for was Kakashi coming over and pouring a mess of vials of the sex drug into the pot of ramen.

"KAKASHI, WHAT THE HELL?"

Kakashi patted her on the back and laughed heartily. "Oh, lighten up, Ayame. Don't be surprised if you taste this and you start seeing strange colors that start to form a certain object."

Ayame placed her hands on her hips. "And that object would be?"

"Oh, you'll know it when you see it."

She simply shrugged as she completed the large ramen serving that certainly would be more than enough for the hungry customers, as well as those who would pay for seconds.

As Kakashi and Jiraiya prepared to leave, they heard familiar voices…a bit _too_ familiar.

"I can't believe you dragged us here on this day of all days! If he didn't want to come, I didn't want to come!"

"Ah, you always follow him around like some mindless drone! Didn't Granny Tsunade teach you about self control?"

"Do you want a fist in the mouth?"

"Do _you_ want him to put _his_ in your mouth?"

Kakashi immediately realized the arguing voices that belonged to Haruno Sakura and Uzumaki Naruto, who must have been coming to the ramen shop five minutes early just so they could get what Naruto referred to as the 'best seats,' which were actually the seats closest to the kitchen. Naruto would always combine Henge and Kage Bunshin no Jutsu to create clones of cooks who could enter the kitchen undetected and do God knows what to the food.

"Crap," Kakashi swore, looking on his arm as if he wore a watch, "hey Teuchi, you guys got a back door or something?"

"Sure, it's in the back."

In big bold letters, a sign read "BACK DOOR," which Jiraiya and Kakashi dashed through.

"Do you think we got just about everything?" Jiraiya asked, panting like a dog.

"If we didn't, we can always sneak some more whenever they're serving. Now, let's go around and act like we just got here."

----------------------------------

"OLD MAN! GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT HERE AND LET US EAT NOW!"

It was bad enough that Team 7 was the _only_ group at the moment, but Naruto was screaming at the top of his lungs, hoping that he'd get his food before anyone even came within range of the ramen shop.

To pass the time, Naruto took out a bag of barbecued potato chips, which were instantly snatched away by a chubbier hand that belonged to Akimichi Chōji, who was standing alongside his teammates, Yamanaka Ino and Nara Shikamaru.

"See you guys actually arrived ahead of schedule? Too bad I can't say the same for slowpoke here?"

"Hey, I had to get my clothes in perfect condition and my hair just right."

Shikamaru slapped his forehead in frustration. "It's the same damn clothes you've worn every day!"

"Maybe you all should be seated and finish arguing at least while you're sitting down."

Naruto turned around when he realized the familiar voice. "Kakashi-sensei! Ero-sennin! What're you guys doing here!"

"We're just passing by, seeing how everyone's doing on this day."

Jiraiya bumped Kakashi's shoulders. "This very, _very_ good day for everyone."

"Do you all actually intend to eat this food?" Sasuke asked, growing impatient at their presence.

"No, no, we'll be leaving right now."

And with that, the two fled just as other citizens, among them the rest of the rookie nine, Team Gai, and, surprisingly, the Sand siblings, yet they kept their distance from everyone else.

Teuchi and Ayame soon came out of the kitchen with serving pots and dishes filled to the brim with ramen that had been saturated by the aphrodisiac, but no one else seemed to know that, including Naruto, who got a full bowl the second he could.

Everyone else was served and began to feast, while Jiraiya, who was currently standing outside, watched with wary eyes.

"Say, J, how long until this stuff takes effect?"

"Almost immediately, but the maximum is about two minutes," he replied.

Aburame Shino, sitting along with partners Hyuuga Hinata and Inuzuka Kiba, thought something was a bit…odd when the ramen was bubbling.

"Nah, they just wanna be festive," Kiba said, not believing there was any danger to this situation. He took a mouthful and didn't let anything drip from his mouth…when all of a sudden, his vision began to blur. For a second, dare anyone say it, Kiba actually found Hinata looking a bit…sexy.

And the Hyuuga noticed she was getting weird glares from her accomplice. "Kiba-kun…what do you want?"

"Hinata, have your boobies grown?"

Across where Team 7 sat, a slap could be heard, as well as Akamaru growling upon hearing the impact.

Sasuke, somehow, finished his food in record time and found himself obsessed with staring at Sakura's front.

She blushed when she realized this, though it was what she always wanted. Inside her head, _Inner Sakura_ was flashing her breasts in hoping that the real one would do the same.

"Sasuke-kun…I had no idea you liked me like that."

He moved closer to the pink haired ninja. "Sakura-chan, there's something I've needed from you ever since we sat down. And I'm hoping that I could get it now before it's too late."

"_Can I get a **HELL YEAH**!"_ Inner Sakura exclaimed.

Sakura's face was as beet red as Hinata's was whenever she was around Naruto. The girl puckered her lips, while frantically trying to undo the buttons and zippers that held her pants up. She just about had her pants and panties halfway off when Sasuke grabbed a spoon and stuck it into Sakura's bowl.

"You're not gonna finish that, are you?" He asked, not even bothering to hear her comment before finishing her food for her.

Sakura, now looking like an idiot with her pants and panties around her thighs, blushed intensively before pulling her lower garments back up. Truth be told, there was no explanation for what she just did…it all lied in the ramen.

Kakashi swore. "Kuso! Naruto hasn't been affected yet." He once again looked to where a watch would be on his arm, then over to Teuchi, giving him the signal to bring out the real weapons of sexual destruction, so to speak.

While the adults were served their share of sake, the teens and younger ones got their share of toso.

"Hmm…" Gaara stared at the toso uninterestingly, ironic seeing that he, even more strange, wolfed down his ramen quicker than Sasuke. True, he was no longer looked down upon by Konoha, but that doesn't mean he got his share of food all of the time.

Temari noisily slurped down the toso and began asking for more. Soon, there were two, four, six…twenty empty cups in front of her.

Kankurō quietly ate his side dish of kimchi, shaking his head at his partner's disposition before he realized that he too, was beginning to exhibit strange behavior.

After scarfing down her thirtieth cup of toso, an instinct came to Temari as she rose to her feet and made a run for the bathroom, though upon entrance, she found Tenten splashing her face with icy cold water. Temari ignored it and entered the first stall.

Tenten came up after another rinsing. "Okay…the ramen seems to have gotten a bit…more spicy tonight. Teuchi must've added some shiitake into the mix, but that doesn't explain why Lee suddenly had this huge bump in the crotch of his leotard thing. Wait a second, that wasn't a bump--OH, MY GOD!"

She rushed out of the bathroom and was right in the middle of witnessing a spectacle. Hinata, down to her third full bowl, staggered over to Naruto, took off her jacket, and lifted up her shirt for all to see. There were Hinata's ample, womanly breasts, only covered by the protection of her black bra. It escalated to an even further level when Hinata grabbed Naruto by the hairs of his head and shoved him into her breasts.

"Na…na..NARUTO-KUN, TAKE ME NOW!"

Thankfully, instinct shot to the front of Hinata's mind as she realized her predicament. As red as Mars, she pulled her shirt and jacket back down before quietly walking back to her table, only to drink a few more cups of toso.

Naruto looked to Sasuke, who was still filling his face, and Sakura, who now was interested with her own breasts.

"Hey, guys?"

Sasuke looked up, as did Sakura. "Yeah?"

"I think I have an election."

"What?"

"I think I have an election."

"What?"

"I think I have an election."

Sakura slapped her forehead. "IT'S ERECTION, BAKA! Get it right, you know, hard on, fully charged, fit to burst, riding the great white knuckler!"

Kakashi felt he had to intervene. He rushed to Sakura's side and shut her up.

"HARUNO SAKURA!" He boomed. "How dare you yell at Naruto about such things in that tone of voice! You are supposed to be maturing into a beautiful woman, not some hussy!"

He paused impressively before continuing.

"Besides, the term 'riding great white knuckler' is talking about a guy masturbating, not when he can't keep control of himself!"

Jiraiya came out of the back, both of his hands filled with plates, pots, cups, and more.

"WHO WANTS SECONDS, THIRDS, and WHATEVERS!"

All hands shot up instantly.

Kakashi smiled, as did Jiraiya. "The fun begins tonight."


	3. Byakugan and Tenten's Breasts!

**Phazon:** I know things haven't exactly gotten exciting, as I plan to get into a bit more serious stuff when the next day begins, but anyway, I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint, and thank you for your reviews of what you think of it so far. If anyone has any wacky, crazy ideas they'd like to recommend that should be included, I'll hear it out and it can possibly become a reality. Enjoy the chapter! And by the way, I'm aware of the relation between Gaara and Temari, so don't take the opening scene for incest. It's all due to the drug.

_Disclaimer:_ Of course I do not own the Naruto characters. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto and him only. All I own is this fan fiction, and that's it, so don't sue!

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**Byakugan and Tenten's Breasts!**

Around 11 p.m., pretty much everyone was topsy turvy from the effects of the powerful sex drug that had been administered through the food, toso, and sake served that night at the ramen shop. It was causing some strange things to happen: Naruto was suddenly obsessed with receiving an election, Neji couldn't stop using Byakugan to stare at Tenten's breasts, Lee never stopped complimenting himself about the gigantic bulge in his spandex, Hinata continued trying to flash her breasts to Naruto to get his attention, Temari had overdosed in toso and was…strangely enough, being groped…by Gaara.

"Temari," he whispered, "this is completely out of tone for me to say or do, but I need a favor."

"What's that, Gaara?"

Gaara never…ever…EVER wanted to draw attention to himself, but after indulging in ramen plates and toso, he found his personality had changed…for better or worse, you be the judge.

"Do me."

Temari blinked. "What?"

That wasn't the response Gaara wanted, so he began to growl angrily as swirls of chakra surrounded his body.

"DO ME NOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!"

The two instantly vanished in a cloud of sand, leaving a stunned Kankuro behind to wonder why it felt like his suit suddenly felt a lot more comfortable around the nether regions.

Kakashi had to suppress his laughter as he approached his team. "Squad, how's the food taste?"

Naruto looked up and suddenly saw two, no; three Kakashi's standing in front of him.

"Sensei," Naruto asked, woozily, "is this a Kage Bunshin?"

Kakashi stared at the genin for a second. "Um…Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, have you felt a bit…strange after all of that food?"

"Well," Sakura said, "I want to make love to Sasuke, my nipples are hard and pointy, I have a ruler for precautions, and suddenly, Shikamaru looks so sexy just sitting there like he doesn't care."

"I DON'T care!" A scream came from a far corner of the restaurant.

"And for some reason, I think my chair's vibrating."

"You're not the only one," Ino added, getting the same type of vibrations that Sakura had.

"Guess you all like to put it all out there?" Kakashi concluded.

Sasuke looked up. "Well, I sex what you're saying is breast tell the truth."

As _opposed_ to saying I guess what you're saying is it's _best_ to tell the truth, Sasuke spit out a sentence no one knew he would form.

"Right….breast tell the truth, Sasuke," Kakashi mumbled as he walked on.

Chōji, surprisingly enough, was, dare I say it, _full_! Having had his fill for the current day, he was now trying to smother Ino in an attempt to uncover her bosom. This proved futile, as the girl was moving faster in a drunken frenzy, viciously punching out anyone who dared to stare at her breasts wrongly.

Jiraiya was smoking a pipe, observing the scene as Kiba came rushing past, wearing nothing but his jacket and Akamaru on his head, screaming 'I'm free! I'm naked as the day I was born a little girl!'

"I _knew_ he didn't have any," Jiraiya said to himself.

Teuchi declared it closing time as the citizens of Konoha began staggering out of the ramen restaurant and woozily towards their homes, paying their dues and fees as they left.

Kakashi appeared at Jiraiya's side as they watched Team 7 go off in their separate directions.

"Perhaps I should see Naruto home," Jiraiya offered, Kakashi not even looking in his direction as he watched Sasuke and Sakura collapse on top of one another.

"Guess I'll get the two of them."

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The sound of water splashing against the marble bathtub wasn't enough to drown out the interminable knocks on the door as Tenten grew tired of hearing Hinata beg for her to finish. The shinobi was unable to get home on her own two feet due to the aphrodisiac, so Neji offered that she stay with them for awhile…which would work to his advantage.

"Hinata," Tenten screamed, "I'll be done in a few more minutes! Just wait until later!"

Hinata squirmed and hopped on one foot, seeing double as she grew impatient. "It _IS_ later, Tenten! You told me that fifteen minutes ago!"

Soon enough, Hinata's attention was diverted by Neji, who was wearing….blue pajamas as he stared at the wall. This didn't seem strange, but Hinata realized that this was the wall that separated Neji's room from the bathroom, the area where the shower was. Upon closer inspection, Hinata saw that Neji had his Byakugan activated.

Neji received a slap from Hinata, but it didn't deter his attention from what was behind that wall.

"Did you ever know that Tenten had C sized breasts? And more than that, she has _no_ signs of breast hair whatsoever?"

The bump in the nether regions of Neji's pajamas was noticeable to Hinata, who would've been outraged had it not been for the drug now making it seem as if Neji was Naruto.

"Ne-Neji-san?"

"What is it, Hinata? I was just about to get some tissue and Vaseline, and you interrupt me! What do you want?"

"W-would it be too much if I asked you to transform into Naruto and…give me a lap dance?"

She began warming up to Neji, rubbing his leg slowly and tracing it up to his waist. Hinata found herself soaring across the room as Neji tossed her off of him.

"Hinata, we're siblings! Have some decency, for the love of Benji!"

Suddenly, both Neji and Hinata collapsed to the floor, holding their heads in extreme pain as they stared at the ceiling.

"What the hell was _in_ that food?" Neji muttered to himself.

The two Hyuuga noticed that the ceiling suddenly started to warp. Was this a hallucination?

It wasn't, as Tenten walked into the room to see the two sprawled out, gasping for air. Unable to find a towel in the mist, Tenten walked in naked as a jaybird. Neji didn't need to activate Byakugan to see that.

Tenten hiccupped, the effects of the drug lingering in her, as well. She staggered over to Neji and began caressing his…hair.

"Neji-kun, let's have a three way gangbang between you, me, and your relative over there."

In an instant, Hinata was gone.

"Guess that just leaves the two of us," Neji said, forcefully cupping Tenten's left breast in his hand to the point where he was squeezing.

Tenten smiled. "You got that strange feeling from the food, too?"

Neji only nodded. "Yep, and please ignore the blue pajamas."

But Tenten's vision was blurry due to the drug, and she believed Neji had nothing on at all. She lowered her head to his midsection and began going down, thinking she was doing an unspeakable act, but was really biting down hard on the fabric of his pajamas. The small moan turned into a cry of horror.

And so the first night of sex filled craziness began in Konoha.


	4. Discovering Yourself

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**Discovering Yourself**

Haruno Sakura had Sasuke on her mind. She had a lot of sexual thoughts on her mind. But there was one thing that the pink haired shinobi was certain.

She _had_ to masturbate.

At the same time, however, she'd been questioning herself and how others would see her if they found out she was a clit player. With the effects of the aphrodisiac still fresh, it's not as if anyone would care.

_All you've gotta do is take off your panties and start plunging in and out! It's NOT that hard!_ Inner Sakura exclaimed.

"But what if I'm seen?"

_So the fuck what?__ I do it all the time whenever that Sasuke comes by, and whenever you get that sudden headache…that's when I have an orgasm! I gotta admit, it feels REALLY nice, but it only lasts for five seconds, depending on where your head is at._

****

"You've been _masturbating_ without my consent?"

Inner Sakura put on the sad act. _Oh, I'm sorry, actual me. Did you want to come in and help me take off my skirt, put your finger near my lips and just play around until your fingers got wet and sloppy?_

****

"Is it really _that_ good?"

****

_Are you about to tell me you've never masturbated?_

****

"I'm always busy and all, what, with being Tsunade's apprentice."

_I've seen her walk by you before; she's got a hot rack and she keeps her real age a secret. I bet any guy is willing to fuck her, or that Anko chick, but she's into S&M, so any guy trying to get a quick fuck from her usually ended up dead._

****

Sakura began walking towards the bathroom and locked herself in. "How do you _know_ all of this stuff?"

_Idiot, I AM you! Everything you know, even the little tidbits that you don't want people to know that you know, like how you were checking Sasuke when he dropped his kunai, I know. Now whip off those panties and start fucking yourself!_

****

Rather than put up a fight, Sakura did as her inner self told. She pulled off her lightly moist panties and sat on the toilet seat, staring at her flower.

"Now what?"

_God…damn it, you just had some stuff that made you want to fuck Sasuke in that restaurant, and you don't know how to masturbate? Look, take your finger and push it in._

****

Sakura hiccupped, the effects of the drug now starting to take effect. She took her finger and began rubbing ever so slightly, the tiniest jolt surging throughout her body.

_Just don't scream out anyone's name when you get there? And maybe you should…hey, hey, what the hell are you doing?! Slow down!!!_

****

But it was too late. The aphrodisiac released any restraint Sakura had as she began touching, fingering, and toying around faster and faster and faster until a burst of energy hit her.

"SASUKE, I WANT YOU IN ME!!!"

There and then, Sakura had her first orgasm…sitting on the toilet, strangely enough. She took a few moments to get her breathing back together and her now wet hand away from her womanhood.

Inside, Inner Sakura was pounding the walls of Sakura's mind.

_Holy fuck, I TOLD you not to scream anyone's name!_

"But I had to…it felt GOOOOOOOOD!!! When can I do it again?"

Inner Sakura shrugged. _Depends on how your body works._

****

Sakura shrugged, trying to think of a way to pass the time when she realized she _was_ sitting in her bathroom and _had _just eaten. She began to push. Inner Sakura always hated this ritual that Sakura seemed to enjoy whenever she had the chance to visit the facilities.

_Oh, goddamn it, you're not about to take a shit again, are you?_

****

The answer came when Inner Sakura heard Sakura release a booming fart and follow up with a sigh as she pushed again.

One thought came to Inner Sakura's mind at this time.

_Fuck…fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck!_

****

----------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Uzumaki Naruto was sitting in his room…wearing nothing but his trademark orange pants and staring at his election.

"But what do I with it? Ever since eating that ramen, I've been feeling kinda funny."

Naruto then thought back to what Iruka-sensei, Kakashi-sensei, weird old Gai-sensei, and Asuma had all agreed on when he overheard one of their conversations.

_Flashback_

_"So she got up and left and I was just starin' at it…thinking what I was gonna do next."_

_"Tough," Kakashi said to Asuma, who had just been dumped once again by Kurenai, "you need to do number three."_

_Gai drew another card. "Number three?"_

_"It's a phrase that they used once in Icha Icha when Shigeaki was looking at porno and thought what to do. He talked to his friends and they came to a solemn promise that if any of them came to that predicament, they'd all remember the quote they came up with in case of emergency."_

_The four men placed their hands in the center of the table and stared each other with solemn expressions. Naruto stared from afar, ready to hear the quote._

_Kakashi looked around once more. "You guys ready?"_

_They all nodded with approval._

_"When in doubt…"_

This is it¸_ Naruto thought to himself._

_"…WHIP IT OUT!!"_

****

_End Flashback_

"Well, if Kakashi and Iruka-sensei said it, it must be true," Naruto concluded as he unzipped and unleashed the beast. Naruto was disappointed at how fleshy it was, like it was brimming with anger. "Why's it so mad at me? This doesn't make any sense! I need to talk to Irkua-sensei," he said as he looked to his raging hard-on, "and you're coming with me."

--------------------------------

Uzumaki Naruto walked throughout the streets of Konoha, his pants unzipped his raging member fit to burst wide out for everyone to see. He got some stares, some glares from either jealous or aroused men, and whistles from…Hinata?

The Hyuuga had since left the mansion and watched Naruto…or rather, the thing attached to Naruto that made her feel so hot and horny.

"N-Naruto-kun," she called to the yellow haired boy.

He turned to face her directly. "What's up, Hinata? You out doing some deep exploration, too?"

A sexual pun indeed. The fact of the matter was that Hinata did not reveal her entire self. She only showed half of her face and her right hand, as her left was currently in her panties, growing moister with each passing second as she rubbed her lower regions between her legs.

"Naruto-kun, you…look very strong tonight," Hinata mustered as another spasm hit her, "very…VERY strong!"

Naruto smiled and began doing jumping jacks for no apparent reason. Hinata could only stare in awe as he bounced up and down. As she watched BOTH heads bounce up and down.

The worst possible thing happened; Naruto actually went over to Hinata and gave her a hug; his manhood pressed firm against her shirt.

"Well," Naruto said as he let go after ten seconds, "I gotta go see Iruka-sensei. Catch you later, Hinata!"

As Naruto ran off, Hinata completely lost it all in her underwear as she came. Her hand was a sticky, mucky mess, defiled with secretions of her own body as she blushed heavily. One thing was for sure, Hyuuga Hinata was going to be quite busy tonight. The girl walked back, keeping her hand in her underwear so she could keep the memory of big Naruto in her head.

------------------------------------

Iruka himself had his fill of the food from the restaurant, but it took him a bit longer for it to take effect on him. He was currently watching something on television that appeared to be a video camera of someone taking a shower. It was Tsunade's personal right hand assistant, Shizune.

Iruka-sensei then turned to address us.

"Yeah, I'm watching Shizune taking a shower. It's not as bad as what Jiraiya does."

Kakashi suddenly appeared at Iruka's window.

"Um…Iruka, you can't do that yet."

Kakashi left as suddenly as he appeared when Iruka heard a knock at the door. The sensei opened to see Uzumaki Naruto standing there with that trademark grin on his face and his manhood out.

"Iruka-sensei--"

"No; no, no, I'm not answering any questions, go away!"

And with that, Iruka slammed the door in Naruto's face, leaving the boy to his own thoughts and devices…metaphorically speaking.

"Guess I better go ask Kiba. He'd know about it, seeing as he left the shop naked."

-------------------------------

Kiba was in his sister's room, listening to the song _Puppy Love_ by Donny Osmond while keeping a container of ice cream near his crotch.

"Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts," he repeated, but it wasn't working. The mental image of Sakura over there groping herself at the shop was stuck in his mind.

"What if I stick it in the ice cream? Maybe it'll go down? What do you think, Akamaru?"

If dogs could talk, Akamaru would say that Kiba was a fucking pervert for thinking that and disgusting for wanting to stick himself in ice cream. A strange idea that became more intriguing with each passing moment. The dog simply barked.

Kiba went for it and found his man parts suddenly overcome by frigid cold. He then heard a tap at the window.

"Doggy boy, don't you know ice cream is for eating and not for putting your wang in?"

"You're one to talk," Kiba huffed, "why is yours out like that?"

"What do I do with it?"

"What do you--you're supposed to touch--normal guys--you don't even--how can you not--and Sakura's always there--tissue and vaseline, baka!"

Kiba went on, throwing out colorful vocabulary and swearing to his heart's content as Naruto simply stared. He soon walked out and returned to the streets of Konoha.

As the blonde walked, he realized that his problem still hadn't been solved, so he went to one person he knew would always be there for him. The man who would never leave him behind and would have his back at all costs was his best friend and would never ever think of disrespecting him.

Of course, we're talking about Uchiha Sasuke.

The Uchiha himself was trying to compose himself as he walked through the empty place he'd called his own since no one returned to the mansion. Upon stopping, he fell into a fetal position and began murmuring to himself.

"What'd they put in that food?"

Sasuke came to the door when he heard it knocking and was surprised to see Naruto standing there…out there for everyone to see.

"Help me get it down."

Not answering, Sasuke zipped away and was back with a stack of movies and magazines in his hands.

"Here," he said, passing them to Naruto, "to get it down, you have to embrace this pornographic material." Naruto stared at Sasuke skeptically. "It was my brother's," he said quickly before shutting the door.

Sasuke backed against the closed door and stared at the cover of one of the magazines

-----------------------------------

Back in his home, Naruto glanced over the models of scantily clad women and noticed that the pain wasn't going away. Just then, he saw a page of a guy with his exact problem and he had solved it by…mas…turbating to some popular comic series called _Icha Icha Paradise_. A smile formed on his face as he read the procedure of how to get rid of said problem.

Naruto then read it aloud. "Signed…Kakashi-sensei?!"

Sighing, the blonde boy settled under the covers and noticed something was poking up.

"I'll do it in the morning. Hopefully, it'll be gone and I won't have to by then," he muttered to himself.

But it wasn't going away, and he'd have to do something about it eventually.


	5. Kurenai's Nickname

--------------------------------------

**Kurenai's Nickname**

The dazzling, glaring rays of the morning sun normally meant that all was well and that it was bound to be a splendid day in Konoha for all of the citizens.

Not today.

Lee was immediately awoken by the clanging of garbage cans as he rubbed his head, wondering how he'd gotten home in the first place.

"Ah, Lee, you are finally awake and ready to embrace the power of youth once more!"

It _was _his home, but why Gai-sensei was there he would never know. Luckily, the taijutsu shinobi had his handy dandy ruler ready to do his daily deed once Gai left the room.

Lee placed the ruler underneath the covers and began measuring…measuring…measuring until he had gotten an exact estimate. When he did, pulled his hands from under the covers and opened his drawer to reveal a drawer labeled 'Growth Chart.' Sadly, he had to erase a bit of the line that was extending to the left.

"Damn it, it's getting shorter! But don't worry. I won't disappoint you with mediocre results, Gai-sensei!"

At the same time, Chouji was doing the same procedure, though had a bit more difficulty in doing so.

"Aww, hell!"

"What is it?" Choza yelled from downstairs. "Has it gotten shorter?"

"NO!" Chouji replied. "I can't see it!"

--------------------------------------------

Naruto walked throughout the streets of Konoha feeling proud of himself. He'd gotten rid of his election, though he paid no attention to the strange mark on his pants. He thought about visiting Tsunade, though she was probably busy. Whatever, he figured. Soon, the genin found himself stuck in his steps, body unable to move.

"Naruto, this jutsu is finally gonna do me some good. Finally, I can get back at those troublesome women for the troubles they've caused me."

The word 'troublesome' stuck out, and it was indeed Shikamaru, who had trapped Naruto with Kagemane no Jutsu.

"What do you mean by…fun?" Naruto asked, unable to even turn his head.

Shikamaru chuckled as he released the jutsu and sent his shadow after a random woman who was walking along. He then began removing his top, as did the woman, and then his pants. The woman mirrored his every single moment until she was naked as a jay bird.

"Luckily I wore two pairs of clothes," Shikamaru said. "The others are at the academy, so I suggest we hurry up."

-----------------------------------------

"You WON'T?!"

Sasuke stepped back a bit, tripping over Ino and falling to the ground while Sakura closed in on him.

"What do you mean you won't give me a good one right here and now? I'm hot, I'm horny, my breasts are ample and nice, and you won't even have sex with me?"

"Sakura-chan," Ino interrupted, "you're not even of age yet."

Sasuke let out a sigh of relief, which was replaced with a…gasp of fear when Ino began advancing on him herself.

"But that doesn't mean anything now. You get his legs, I'll grab his ass."

"The hell with that!"

Poof! A cloud of smoke appeared and there standing before them were Kakashi and Iruka.

"Everyone," the latter of them said, "we're still having classes for the younger ones in other classrooms, so I suggest everyone here keep it down to a minimum or else."

Tenten placed her hands on her hips. "Or else _what_?"

Before her eyes could detect it, Kakashi had Tenten in a headlock, a kunai ready at her throat. He backed off even quicker and was back at Iruka's side.

"Never mind," Tenten muttered, shuffling around and trying to act as if she hadn't come in contact with death and lived.

Kakashi walked outside when he saw Jiraiya sitting on the roof with a pair of binoculars.

"Um…J?"

"Shh, shh, it's been two hours since Tsunade got into that food, and either she's on her period or she's really letting someone have the good one, two, buckle my shoe."

The copy ninja shrugged. "She's the Hokage; the worse she could do is destroy her office with that super strength."

-----------------------------------------

Precisely.

Just five minutes ago, Konohamaru had made the mistake of calling Tsunade a lazy old hag when he caught her sipping on sake as opposed to working. This, of course, hit a bad nerve and the Hokage eventually cornered the grandson of the Third.

Konohamaru was breathing heavily, wondering what he could possibly do. On one side was the obvious name he called Tsunade. The other was the amount of days he'd been skipping at the academy. Ironic, seeing as everyone else had learned Bunshin no Jutsu and could create clones of themselves, while he couldn't.

Tsunade hiccupped, her cheeks bright red from overdosing on sake. "There's…there's about a hundred ways I could kill you right now," she said.

It was at this moment that Konohamaru grew nervous, but he tried the _only_ thing he possibly could in a situation. Thinking quickly, the child put his fingers together and formed the reverse ram sign, shouting 'Henge!' as he transformed into an attractive and _nude_ woman.

"You wouldn't hurt me…would you? Let…me…be?"

The effects of the sex drug now got to Tsunade as she pointed towards the naked woman Konohamaru had turned into.

"You, me, the hot tub, now!"

Tsunade grabbed Konohamaru and began dragging him…er…_her_, towards the baths. He put his hands together and tried channeling his chakra to cancel the jutsu, but Tsunade began dragging him by the hands, chakra circulating throughout her hands. In order to turn back into the _boy_ he was, Konohamaru would have to…fight Tsunade.

"DAMN IT!!!!!!!"

------------------------------------------------

Naruto stood alongside Hinata, whose face was red from the aphrodisiac.

"T-t-thank you…for…hugging me…Naruto-kun," she stuttered. You'd think being under the influence of a sex drug would make someone less nervous. Guess it'd take a bit longer for the Hyuuga.

"However…I notice you have some…mark on your pants."

"Eh…heh," Naruto placed his hand on the back of his head and laughed, "a bit of a mishap this morning, but everything's fine."

Jiraiya and Kakashi were at the genin and the one Chuunin through the windows.

"J, they aren't exactly too randy right now."

"Give them a break, Kakashi," he replied, "these things take time, and it's only morning. Besides, we've got bigger fish to fry ourselves."

Kakashi looked over to Jiraiya. "Do we?"

"Yep," he nodded, "you know that rumor about how everyone calls Kurenai 'Lassie?'"

"Sure I've heard about it," Kakashi responded, "Asuma mentioned it to me before they broke up that she had a reputation for being called Lassie, but she never told him _why_ she was called that."

"Well, today's the day that he finds out."

"You mean they got back together?!"

"Not exactly; she doesn't suspect anything yet. Later on, he's going to take her up to the storage area in the academy."

"But…that's all the way near the top level."

Jiraiya turned to face Kakashi directly. "Exactly; that way, they won't be heard."

As the two descended from their current position, they returned to the streets and began searching for Asuma _or_ Kurenai.

"Say, J, why _do_ they all her 'Lassie?'"

Jiraiya only shrugged. "Dunno, but I don't want to be the one to find out."

----------------------------------------

Tenten was stretching in one corner of the classroom. As she bent over, her lower features stuck out to Neji, who could've sworn her ass had grown since he saw her naked. As opposed to speculating, he formed the proper seals and activated his Byakugan.

Suddenly, Neji's vision improved and he could see through all in the room, but he was now focused on Tenten's rotund. He wasn't prepared to see that Tenten was wearing a pair of…his boxers? HIS boxers?!

"Tenten, you're wearing my undergarments!!"

You know those tense moments where it seems as though everyone shuts up at the same time and only your voice can be heard? Well, that's exactly what happened with Neji at this moment. Everyone else turned to the Hyuuga prodigy and saw he had his Byakugan activated and was staring in Tenten's direction. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out…unless you were Uzumaki Naruto.

"You baka! Tenten's wearing pants, not your boxers! You really aren't a genius after all!"

Rather than dignify that comment with a response, everyone stayed focused on Neji. Tenten came over and took Neji's ear.

"What was I supposed to do? My panties aren't dry enough right now. Don't worry; nothing bad will happen."

Kiba was sitting in the same seat he sat in during the Chuunin Exams, but he didn't have Akamaru atop him looking for answers. Instead, the genin still had the tub of ice cream, and no one seemed to take much notice…except for Shino, who, strangely enough, had _not_ seemed to be affected by the sex drug.

"Kiba," said the calm Aburame, "would it kill you to get rid of that ice cream? You've been holding it there for the past half hour."

"Hell no," Kiba responded, "I need it to get it down."

Shino shrugged. "Just think nonsexual thoughts and that'll do it."

"Um…Shino, how do you know all of this stuff?"

Shino walked away.

Just then, Iruka came back in with some random sports equipment and such.

"Everyone come into the main gymnasium. We can't keep everyone cooped up in here forever, so come on down and you can socialize there."

And with that, the rookie nine and Gai's team began walking off. Well, not everyone could walk there. Hinata had to be carried out by Naruto, and Sasuke couldn't move at all. His entire body was bound with ropes, including his hands, so he couldn't use a shuriken, kunai, or even form any hand seals. Sakura carried the Uchiha by his hands to cut off the channeling of chakra so he couldn't get free without using brute force, while Ino carried him with one hand on his legs, the other, his ass. Oh, she was going to lose it before they got downstairs.

All vacated the classroom and headed for the gym, while outside, Kurenai had an unexpected meet with Asuma.

"Come with me," he said, taking her hand.

"What's the meaning of--"

"_Just come!_"

As he dragged her off, Kakashi and Jiraiya watched from the shadows.

Kakashi chuckled. "Bet you ten bucks she's called Lassie because she moans like a ghost."

"You're on!"

"Where are you going?"

"To the bathhouse, of course…to do more research."

"You're just going there to masturbate to the prettiest tease."

"And?"


	6. Lassie Comes Out

**Phazon:** You all asked, and now you shall know the mystery of Kurenai's nickname from the last chapter. This scene and premise is almost directly borrowed from the 1981 hit _Porky's_, but a few of my own changes and added bits.

-----------------------------------------

**Lassie Comes Out**

So Neji was obsessed with Tenten's ass and that was that. What else is there to say?

Seriously, being in the gym made the guys a bit more excited than ever as they spent the minutes pressed up against the wall, Shikamaru's favorite pastime, and watched the girls do their splits. All of the boys except for Sasuke, who remained under constant watch by Ino and Sakura, enjoyed the sights they were singing.

"Look at it, guys," Chouji said, "it's the most beautiful thing in the entire world. You just wanna wrap your lips around it, lick the edges of it and suck on it until it all goes down your mouth and you get that satisfaction."

"Yep…I love the women too," Kiba chuckled.

"Women?" Chouji asked in a perplexed tone, getting the attention of the other guys. "I was talking about potato chips, not these ugly bitches."

Moments later, Chouji was suspended from a cage labeled 'Hater of Kunoichi Bitches of Konoha.'

Gai, Iruka, and Kakashi were immersed in kicking a soccer ball around the court when

Anko walked over.

Cue the cheesy 1980s porno music and slow motion as Anko approached Kakashi.

"Kakashi, would you kindly keep your balls out of my court?"

"OH, GO ON, GIRLFRIEND!!!" Iruka yelled as he put his hands on hips.

"Beg your pardon, Anko?" Kakashi asked, lifting his forehead protector to reveal his left eye.

"The women, Hatake, the women! We're trying to do pilates when the soccer balls keep rolling over to this side! Please keep them on your side of your own bag!"

"Of my what?"

"FOCUS, KAKASHI!" Anko exclaimed, bringing a kunai to Kakashi's throat. "If another one of them floats over here, you'll lose both of them."

"But we have, like, six more of them."

Anko smiled. "Like I said, you'll _lose_ the _both_ of them."

Of course Kakashi got the message; he just wanted Anko to leave. She walked away as Kakashi turned around to see Iruka's nose plugged with large amounts of tissue.

"Yep…I'd love to shower the seminal seeds of youth all over her flower," Gai howled, an obvious bulge protruding out from the crotch of his stretchy pants.

"Eh…Gai, you _do_ know she's a torturer, right?" Kakashi asked. "She ties up men and forces them into horrible, _horrifying_ sex where she plays the dominant one. It's a scary sight."

"Sight, how would you know that?"

Kakashi gulped. He tried to ignore those painful screams of, _"Faster, my Sharingan slave"_ and _"Tell a soul about this and I'll cut the part off of you that God gave you to reproduce."_

"I've…heard things," Kakashi said, stiffening when Anko turned around and winked at him. "I…need a triple sake and my _Icha Icha_ book."

The Copy Ninja took out his handy dandy notebook and drew some bleachers. He then walked over to the bleachers and found a copy of _Icha Icha Paradise_ sitting right there. As Kakashi sat down and began flipping through the pages, he chuckled perversely.

"Let's find out why Shigeaki hasn't been making Nichie feel happy in bed."

He flipped to the first page…which was covered by an enormous blue paw print.

"What the hell…?" Kakashi spluttered. He flipped to the next two pages, also covered by blue paw prints. EVERY page was covered by a paw print, but one thing remained untouched: the _Icha Icha_ on audio portion for those who couldn't stand reading and wanted someone, that someone being Jiraiya, dictating the events. Kakashi took out a tape recorder, inserted the cassette, and pressed 'Play.'

"Finally," he sighed, settling down on a bench as he listened. The first few seconds were those of a woman's voice, saying 'My ass, my ass,' over and over again. "Must be anal rape," Kakashi concluded.

Then, then there was some rhythmic movement in the background, coupled with moaning from two women. One of them yelled 'Itsumi! Itsumi! Slow it down!' Unfortunately, the audio got all jumbled and disoriented until it got dead silent…silent…silent, then Kakashi heard some children's voices.

'We're gonna sing the happy song!' the children said over the recording.

"Oh, hell no," Kakashi said, taking off the earphones and crushing the recorder. He was about to spit out some colorful vocabulary when he saw Asuma walk in with a very nervous Kurenai. "Hey, you guys!"

"I'll be right back," Asuma told Kurenai as he ran over to Kakashi. "What's new, Kakashi?"

"I suppose you've found out why they call her 'Lassie?'"

Asuma grunted as Kakashi held back his laughter. "You're gonna be one dead shinobi if you or someone else doesn't tell me why the hell Kurenai's nickname is Lassie?"

Kakashi said nothing; he simply walked away and made a howling noise as he left. This still didn't help.

Asuma took Kurenai up to the top floor and into a locker room filled with files, papers, dirty socks and jock straps, and some loose tables.

"I assume...you know why we're here," Asuma said as he began pelting Kurenai with kisses. Though the kunoichi remained calm and cool during missions and such, intimacy was a different thing. She took on a whole 'nother persona and responded quickly, tugging at Asuma's lower clothing.

"Asuma! I mean, let's try and be civilized about this."

Please. When it came to sex, Kurenai didn't know the meaning of the word civilized. Asuma was about to find out why. At last, he got her panties off and laid her out on one of the desks. He, in turn, removed his pants and boxers and straddled the kunoichi.

"Please…Asuma…I'm not that kind of ninja…but being in this room…it turns me ON!"

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Yeah…YES, OH, GOD, YES!!"

"Kurenai, calm down," Asuma said, "I haven't done anything yet!"

She immediately stopped when Asuma began penetrating her.

"Why do they…why do they…call you Lassie?"

"I…I…**_I_**…don't…don't…_DON'T_…_KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW_--"

The long and drawn out moan grew into a howling screech as Kurenai screamed for her dear life.

Downstairs in the gymnasium, Kakashi and Gai suddenly looked around upon hearing some woman screaming. Gai was confused, but Kakashi began holding his face to his mask to keep from laughing.

Even the young male shinobi started getting the giggles, Shikamaru the top of them. Talking with Kiba and Shino, he'd heard of Kurenai's…strange obsession with sex by night.

Hinata, on the other hand, held her head down in shame when she realized her sensei was…_doing the do_ once again.

Upstairs, Kurenai was moaning, literally, like a ghost.

_"OH! OH! OH! OH! OH, GOD, HELP ME OUT!!"_

Asuma was growing desperate. "Kurenai, cut it out! Please, before someone hears you! Come on, time out."

----------------------------

Kakashi broke down laughing out loud, Gai still trying to figure out what was going on.

Someone tried passing Shikamaru a soccer ball, but he was laughing so hard it hit him in his personal area. He barely felt it, though.

----------------------------

Kurenai held tightly onto Asuma and wasn't going to let go. She forcefully shoved him into her on her own free will, but against his.

"Shh…Kurenai, this is ridiculous," Asuma tried over and over again, but it was futile. He then tried covering her mouth with his hand, but Kurenai was screaming so loud that she bit down on one of his fingers. "AAARGH, KURENAI, YOU'RE BREAKING MY FINGER!!"

As if she could hear him. Just about anything going on in that locker room was drowned out by Kurenai's moans.

At last, Kurenai settled down and the yelling subsided.

By this time, no one in the gymnasium was doing any sort of exercise, except training their ears to hear far away.

"Yes…" Kurenai whispered to Asuma, whom she still held tightly. He was glad that Kurenai had calmed down.

"Yes…Asuma…yes."

"That's right," Asuma smiled, "let's take this slow."

"Yes, _yes…yes_, _YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, HELL YES, YES, YES_**!!!!"**

The smile faded immediately from Asuma's face. "No, NO Kurenai, NO! NO, stop it! I'm not even doing anything now!"

**"AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"**

----------------------------------------

Even Sasuke had to crack a smile at hearing those yells and moans coming from Kurenai.

"Oh…god…damn it," Kakashi stuttered, finally tired of being seen laughing. He retreated behind a tarp used to cover bleachers and proceeded to laugh his fucking brains out. Even _that_ was drowned out by Kurenai's moaning.

Gai was so busy wrapped up in trying to figure out why his eternal rival was laughing so hard that he never noticed Anko approach him with that stern glare on her face…

-------------------------------------

Screeching, yelling, _HOLLERING, SHRIEKING, HOOTING AND WHOOPING, SQUEALING_, there was NO possible synonym to describe what Kurenai was doing. She had no intentions whatsoever of letting go of Asuma, who was desperately trying to escape.

Christ, Asuma started using his free hands to search for something, _anything_, and I mean _ANYTHING_ that would shut Kurenai up. He found it in the form of bundled up socks and jock straps. Filthy, yes, but it was the only thing that'd shut her up.

_Damn_, he swore, _this is what I get for filling her up on that sake before we got here._

Asuma shoved the items into Kurenai's mouth, and she was surprised to see that she was being shut up, but she wouldn't get them off now. Asuma came down hard on Kurenai, pressing his mouth to the socks so she couldn't scream. There were some audible moans, but nothing compared to what Lassie just howled. At least they could fuck in _some_ form of peace.

------------------------------------------

Kakashi was still laughing his head off behind the tarp, not afraid of letting anyone know that Hatake Kakashi, the Copy Ninja, was actually capable of laughing crazily like a fucking idiot.

"…NOW!!" Anko screamed to Gai as she released her hands from his collar. Gai quickly got the message and went over to the tarp and pulled it down to reveal a very red faced Kakashi.

Kakashi had to come up with an excuse that would hopefully be enough to make up for his laughing. Going deep within his mind, he mustered up an excuse.

"My Sharingan's broken," he said weakly before walking off to laugh some more….and _loudly_ at that.

Asuma then came running Gai, fully clothed and breathing heavily.

"Sorry I'm late, Gai…had a bad case of the runs," he lied, "you probably heard me all the way down here."

Finally, it hit Gai on the head like a ton of bricks. "Yeah…wait, WHAT?"

---------------------------------

Naruto walked into the guys locker room behind Shikamaru and Neji.

"So all you need," Naruto said, "is a watermelon, a hot dog, and two jelly donuts."

"Forget it," Neji said.

"I'm not taking a shower with this guy," Shikamaru added.

All of the male shinobi sat down in the locker room, except for Sasuke, who conveniently came running into the room and was out of breath.

"You guys…" I can't believe I'm saying this, but a perverted smile made its way across Sasuke's face, "the girls had to let me go because they're going to the shower."

Naruto jumped to his feet. "In the buck nude?"

Before Naruto could even get a response, the others were gone.

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Of course, being expert ninjas, there's _no way_ they can be caught…right? Right? Answer me!


	7. Peeping Shinobi

**Phazon:** Well, this certainly took a long time to write, but it's finally done. Thank you all for your positive feedback and how much you enjoyed the story. Hopefully, you won't be disappointed with this chapter, but it's, for the most part, also borrowed from the 1981 hit _Porky's_. There are some original pieces, but those who have seen the movie will know some of this stuff. Others, get ready for some excitement.

_Disclaimer:_ Of course I do not own the Naruto characters. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto and him only. All I own is this fan fiction, and that's it, so don't sue!

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**Peeping Shinobi**

The girls' shower room was well built and well guarded. Why? Anko took it upon herself to personally kill any man who dared to set his eyes upon any kunoichi. She'd missed the several glory holes, though.

_Squeak_ was the sound of several pipes being lifted to reveal well carved holes. Behind those holes were the eyes of Shikamaru, Neji, Kiba, Lee, and Sasuke. Shino decided to stand watch, as anyone could find them if they looked hard enough. There was just one problem.

"Where the hell is Naruto?" Sasuke piped up.

His eyes went back to the glory hole when he heard footsteps. He was ready to get out his jimmy at the sight of a female shinobi taking a wash when suddenly saw Naruto step into the shower area.

"All right, no one's here yet!" Naruto exclaimed.

"NARUTO, what the hell are you doing here?!" Shikamaru exclaimed.

Naruto laughed. "You guys are pathetic; you need a better way of seeing the female anatomy up close, and I'll show you how."

Then, Naruto formed a familiar hand seal as the eyes of the males went as wide as dinner plates when they realized what Naruto was about to do.

"No, no, NARUTO DON'T!"

"HENGE!"

A loud poof and a gush of air came from the shower room as the guys realized that Naruto had transformed into a towel. All he had to do now was wait, but he didn't have to wait long upon hearing footsteps.

In came Hinata, Tenten, Sakura, Ino, and a few other kunoichi among them…only something was different: they were naked.

"Sakura," Tenten called as she eyed Sakura's ample breasts, "you've been eating your vitamins, haven't you?"

"Yep, it's all thanks to the stuff Tsunade's been giving me for enhanced breasts."

"God, it's the damn mother load," Shikamaru whispered.

"Yeah…" another one of them said, "check out that Hyuuga girl right there; she's got the perfect package on her. She's got growing breasts, her bush isn't too thick, so I wouldn't have any trouble maneuvering through it, and would you check out that ass on top of those fine legs of hers? It's like she's got two asses; a bigger ass on top of her regular ass. I wonder if she likes rimming."

The rest of the males' mouths hung agape upon hearing this revelation that _had_ to come from the effects of the drug. I mean, he _couldn't_ have meant that from the heart…right? _RIGHT?_

Shikamaru was the first to speak. "Neji, that's disgusting!"

Neji waved his hand at Shikamaru. "Oh, don't tell me you wouldn't tap that."

"I'd hit it."

The boys would've screamed when they realized Jiraiya was peeping as well, but they would've been discovered, so they held their yells in.

"You're that pervert sage; what are you doing he--"

"Research," Jiraiya said quickly. He was hoping he could get a junior _Icha Icha_ series since Naruto became fond of it.

Ino turned on the showers and was surprised when she was doused by freezing water.

"Damn, it's cold." She then spotted the towel that was actually Naruto in disguise and seized it.

_"Damn it," Naruto thought, "wrong kunoichi."_

Tenten casually let the water fall down her neck and rubbed it over her breasts ever so slowly.

Sakura gasped. "Tenten, you do that too? And here I thought I was the only one."

"Don't you just love that erotic thrill you get from rubbing your breasts with the soap until they get all hard and pointy? Huh, tell me?"

All eyes were on Hinata, who was sprawled on the marble floor while the water rained down over her tender body.

"Hinata?"

"I'm fine," she said, "just getting adjusted first."

When Ino finally returned, sans the towel, everyone gasped at her lower features.

"GAH," Sakura exclaimed, "Ino-pig, get a fucking razor or something! It's the Amazon rain forest down there."

"Pah," Ino replied as she showed her bush off, "jealous, are you forehead-girl?"

Sakura and Ino went to the floor fighting as the males enjoyed the spectacle of two kunoichi fighting…_in the nude_.

Sasuke, the supposed strong silent type, just climaxed when he saw Sakura and Ino holding each other by the breasts, trying to give each other a purple nurple until one of them gave in.

Kiba's eyes widened when he saw Ayame step in and begin washing herself.

"She could use a good razor to the bush, too," he said.

The only one who could complain at this point was Lee, whose vision was blocked by the fattest kunoichi that was in his class when he was a genin: Suzuti Raraka, otherwise known as 'Kunoichi Fatty Fat Fat Fat' by other teams when Team Gai was in the academy. She was useful as a target, but now, she served the purpose of blocking Lee from viewing naked shinobi.

"You gals ever practice fondling and kissing each other?" Sakura asked.

"What for?" Tenten asked, mildly interested. Amazing that a sex drug would make even the most focused kunoichi go topsy turvy.

"Tsunade-sama told me that in the world, us kunoichi are more susceptible to abuse by male shinobi, and she had Shizune simulate the different ways a man would feel up against a female shinobi."

Jiraiya was running out of paper as he furiously scribbled down notes upon hearing this.

Sakura approached Hinata's feet and began working her way up. Hinata felt a shiver when Sakura's fingers got close to her midsection, but Sakura slowly inched her way to Hinata's breasts.

"She said," Sakura continued, "that the breasts were one of the most vulnerable spots, so a guy would just fondle slower and slower…and slower…"

Sakura realized Ino's hand was on her ass.

"You mean something like this?"

"Gentlemen," Kiba whispered as he unzipped his pants, "prepare your pieces for Operation Kunoichi Lesbian-like Rub, Grope, and Feel Up on each other. Well…everyone except for Sasuke since he couldn't hold his in long enough."

The kunoichi began groping one another in pure ecstasy that equated to satisfaction for the men…except for Lee.

"Screw it," he said as he tried moving over to the peephole where Sasuke was, but the Uchiha shoved Lee back.

"To hell with that."

Lee whined. "But you lost yours and I'm missing the youthful sexual experience!"

"Would you shut the hell up and go back to your own spot?" Shikamaru whispered.

Pouting, Lee scooted back to his spot and desperately tried anything that'd help him get a better view, but Raraka wasn't moving at _all_. This kept up and Lee grew tired of seeing the other guys with these giddy looks on their faces. Finally, he got fed up.

"IF YOU DO NOT MOVE YOUR GIGANTIC ASS OUT OF THE WAY, I WILL UNLOCK THE FIVE CHAKRA GATES AND LAY WASTE TO YOUR ASS!!"

Once again, there was a tense moment where everyone shut up…the spotlight was on Lee as the guys glared at him.

The showers were turned off as Raraka ran off, grabbing the towel (Naruto) in the process.

_"No…NO, not a fatass!"_

Hinata stood on her feet and formed a few too familiar signs.

"No…" Shikamaru said, "guys, get ready to run!"

"Too late!" Kiba yelled.

"Byakugan!"

Hinata immediately saw through the marble walls and was shocked to see Neji and some others back there with their hands in…compromising places.

"Neji-san, Kiba-kun, Shino-kun, Lee-san, Shikamaru-kun…Sasuke-kun--"

Sakura and Ino's ears perked upon hearing that. "SASUKE-KUN?!" They said simultaneously. "HE'S ON THE OTHER SIDE?"

"Neeeeeeeji-san…" Tenten whispered through the hole she assumed Neji was behind, "I've got a present for you when we get back to your place."

On the other side, Neji was blushing red and his left hand was glowing with chakra. Kami, he wanted to break down this wall and make hard love to Tenten, but then he'd be caught with his manhood poking out…that was a bad thing how?

"Hey, Sasuke-kun, if Lee really is back there, tell him that he's never gonna get any of this any time soon," Sakura said as she adjusted her breasts to tease the taijutsu shinobi.

Lee was brimming with anger as chakra began leaking out of his body. He jumped in the air, ready to bust down the wall with a kick.

He geared up and yelled at the top of his lungs. "Konoha Senpuu--"

Only to forget that the space they were in wasn't too high and thus, hit the wall and landed on the ground. Of course, having trained under Gai, it caused little pain, but still hurt like hell.

Sasuke decided to make the first move and stick his tongue through one of the glory holes to see the reaction.

Shikamaru shook his head and slapped his knee. "Sasuke…what the hell?"

Jiraiya chuckled. "The kid's got more talent than I thought."

Sakura tiptoed over to the spot where Sasuke's tongue was sticking out and decided to tease him. Suddenly, the Uchiha could feel the nice, plump feel of a breast on his tongue.

"Oh, the hell with this," Sasuke said as he stood as much as he could, trying to pull down his shorts with difficulty because of the…climax. When he got them down, he stuck his manhood through the hole and Sakura was definitely shocked.

_Damn…damn good._ Inner Sakura said.

Tenten shrugged. "Hmm…so that's what Sasuke's penis looks like."

Ayame had seen that before, but where and an even more important question…_why_?

The fun came to an end immediately. The shower room door suddenly swung open and in stepped Anko, a kunai in each hand. She was confused at what the women were staring at and had them leave.

"Uh-oh…" Shikamaru uttered upon seeing the menacing Anko.

Of course Sasuke couldn't see anything in his position. "Wh-what's going on?"

Lee backed up. "Sasuke-kun--"

But Neji saw this as an opportunity for some fun. He looked to Lee, who, from seeing that look on Neji's face, shut up immediately.

"Hang on, Uchiha. Haruno is coming for yours with her mouth wide open."

Sasuke knew it. Of course Sakura would try and go for it from the beginning.

Anko cautiously stepped onto the marble floor, trying to find the disturbance.

"Hello," Sasuke said in a chipmunk voice that others would believe came from his manhood, "I'm the sole survivor of the Uchiha clan and I wish to plant my seed inside of your precious womb so we can create an even more powerful clan. Please, let me travel through your field."

"Oh, yeah," Kiba said, "she _really_ wants this."

Finally, Anko's eyes found Sasuke's pride sticking outside one of the holes. She bent her knees and began charging forward.

"Aaahhhhhhhhhhh--"

Kiba grew anxious. "Here she comes."

Anko's yell grew louder…and louder…

"She's almost there!"

Suddenly, Sasuke realized that Sakura's voice wasn't that menacing. However, he couldn't think anymore when he suddenly felt himself being pulled forward by another source.

"SHE'S GOT HIM!" Kiba exclaimed.

"You little Uchiha bastard, I've got you now, haven't I?" Anko growled as she twisted Sasuke's manhood. "You're going to the Hokage's office this instant!"

All of the males retreated, but Shino gave Sasuke one final piece of advice.

"Don't let her try to cut it off."

Sasuke squirmed, wiggled, turned, tried anything he could to escape the death grip of Anko, but the torturer wasn't to let go. She put her foot upon the wall for leverage, only causing Sasuke even more pain.

"You…fucking…pervert, I'll show you a thing or two about peeping!"

Instantly, Sasuke started forming hand seals and lightning emerged in his right hand. This was about the only way out…he'd have to harm the most dangerous seductress he'd come across. Pulling his arm back, Sasuke aimed towards the wall…thrust forward…and…

**"CHIDORI!"**

Anko was blown back by the force when the wall was blown apart by Chidori. She'd lost her grip and the Uchiha in the process, but she saw the shaft where he and probably the other boys escaped.

"Oh…this is far from over, you little bastard."

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Cut to the Hokage's office where Tsunade sits at her desk, slightly tipsy. Shizune was at her side. Anko sits before her pleading her case. In the background to their side are the giggling Kakashi, Iruka, and Asuma.

"Now…Tsunade-sama, I know this seems strange, but I know this is the only way to catch that perverted boy. That penis--"

Kakashi covered his mask even harder to conceal his laughter after hearing Anko say "penis."

"…had three black dots on it, just like the Sharingan does. I'd recognize those dots anywhere." Anko took a brief minute to compose herself. "In spite of the laughing idiots over there, this is a very serious matter that needs to be attended to for the same of the kunoichi. I know that everyone in this room knows who this perpetrator is; he's a future Jiraiya in the making with his perverted little--"

"Anko," Tsunade cut her off, "calm down here." However, the Hokage couldn't help but find the situation a bit humorous. She didn't show it on her face, though.

"Well…just know that I've got that little creep and I'm not letting him slip through my fingers."

Kakashi, Iruka, and Asuma found it hard to contain themselves. Shizune's mouth kept twitching until it turned into a full blown smile.

"All I need is that you gather Uchiha Sasuke and any other genin you see fit for the situation…as well as Jiraiya. This way, we can…end the menace because it _is_ a dangerous menace."

Tsunade simply stared, bewildered at the information revealed to her.

After an awkward silence, Anko began talking again.

"Well…what the fuck are you gonna do about this?!"

Kakashi and Iruka tried holding their breath to keep from laughing, as did Asuma and Shizune, but it was useless. It was obvious now that this whole thing was funny to them. Their laughter came out audible and clear…Kakashi holding onto a chair to keep from collapsing.

"Five…genin males…in the buck nude? A line up so you can identify the boy's…passion pole?"

A rhetorical question mark appeared above Anko's head. "Passion pole?"

"MORE LIKE HIS FUR-SEEKING KUNOICHI HEAT MISSILE!!!" Shizune bellowed as she broke down in laughter.

"Please," Tsunade continued, "can we just call it a cunt pounder?"

"YOU SAID PASSION POLE!!" Anko yelled accusingly.

"Whatever," Tsunade muttered, "it's still attached to the boy. Besides, penis is so…scientific and seems more personal."

"We'll put hoods over their heads so they won't be identified," Anko suggested.

If Asuma had been smoking a cigarette at the time, he'd have choked on it and died by now…but he didn't, so he wouldn't. He was pounding on the carpet, gasping for breath, while Kakashi wanted to glue his hand to his mask just so no one could hear him laughing like a fucking idiot…again.

Anko grabbed Tsunade's hands. "Hokage-sama, we have to do this…as distasteful and deplorable as it is. I know it's the Uchiha because that…," Anko sighed and rolled her eyes as she tried to come up with another sexual term for penis so she wouldn't be outdone, "rumple foreskin…"

Kakashi and Shizune were on the ground in tears.

"…had three black marks on it, and those marks are the key to this entire thing."

"Anko…do you realize the complexity of your request?" Tsunade asked, as if there wasn't an obvious answer to the question. "I could apprehend the genin myself, but do you know how embarrassed the Hidden Leaf village would be if the other villages knew that I gave you the permission to have a lineup in order to examine the boy's cervix slammer…for three black marks that bare resemblance to that of the Sharingan? For the love of God, Orochimaru wouldn't even try to crush Konoha anymore; he'd be too busy rubbing this in my face."

Anko withheld her anger and put her right leg across her left. "Now…Tsunade-sama--"

"Tsunade-sama?"

Anko and Tsunade looked towards the floor and saw Shizune rise to her feet, tears streaming down her face as she had this giddy little grin on her face. She could barely talk due to laughing so hard.

"I've got a plan that'll make this all go smoother."

The other two women listened carefully.

"We get the ANBU…and we ask them for their most talented sketch artist--"

Shizune couldn't hold the laughter in anymore as she fell alongside Kakashi, who was desperately trying to get up. Iruka, however, beat him to it.

"I know, I know…Anko here can give a detailed description of what it looked like!!"

Iruka went down as well…Asuma taking his place.

"WE CAN PUT UP POSTERS AROUND THE WHOLE DAMN LEAF VILLAGE!!!"

Tsunade could feel a smile begging to come across her face, but she dared not let it show.

"Imagine the sign," Asuma weakly said to the red faced Kakashi, "you'd be like, 'Hey…uh…is this_MY DICK_…heh-heh!' And it'd say, 'Have you seen this Sharingan longfellow? Report it immediately to Mitarashi Anko!'"

Finally, Kakashi felt he could hold his laughter in for about…five seconds…it'd be enough time to say something, at least.

"Don't attempt to apprehend the Sharingan Schlong, as it will hypnotize you if you stare at the dots long enough!"

Shizune didn't even notice when Iruka tripped over and landed in her breasts; she was still laughing her head off and was certain she'd choke if she didn't stop soon. Kakashi was back on the floor, but he raised his hand to make his final point.

"It was last seen…hanging out wide for all the ladies to see…in the kunoichi shower room at the KONOHA SHINOBI ACADEMY!!!"

That was it; Tsunade couldn't take it anymore and she broke down laughing just like the others. Anko took it upon herself to leave in a huff, but the others couldn't care less. The combined laughter of Kakashi, Iruka, Asuma, Shizune, and Tsunade could be heard throughout Konoha.

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Neji walked…no, _ran_ down the streets of Konoha in order to get the present Tenten told him about. He was almost there when Hinata suddenly appeared in front of him, assuming a fighting stance.

"Hi-Hinata-san?"

"Neji-kun," Hinata declared, "you and I have a score to settle. It's time."

"Time for what?"

Hinata whipped out a book. "Time for you to sing your favorite song to all of Konoha."


	8. Neji's Big Day

**Phazon:** I hadn't thought of including Hanabi that much in this fiction, and though she only plays a minor role in this chapter, she'll have more appearances later on. Thank you all for your feedback and reviews in the last chapter, and I hope you enjoy this next chapter. To **Xinthos**, while you may remember a lot from _Porky's_, this isn't exactly just that movie replaced with Naruto characters, though I'm sure that's not what you originally thought. I hope you all are ready, because you're about to see the Hyuuga siblings in a whole new light with this chapter. Enough with the pleasantries, let's get on with the story.

Oh, and by the way. For the record, I don't watch _One Piece_ at all and know little about the sub and dub differences. You all are wondering why I'm mentioning that, but you'll soon find out later on. Also, there is a line very similar to that of the famous line on 'Snakes On a Plane,' though I've altered it and I do NOT own that movie.

_Disclaimer:_ Of course I do not own the Naruto characters. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto and him only. All I own is this fan fiction, and that's it, so don't sue!

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**Neji's Big Day**

Neji sat on the carpet in the living room of the Hyuuga mansion with a dumbfound expression on his face, trying to replay everything that Hinata had just told him he would be doing in a few hours in front of all of Konoha.

Hinata was rubbing her forehead and pacing the floor, occasionally glancing at Neji to see if he would try and run away. She was waiting for him to give her a 'Yes' as his answer, but at the same time, she needed someone to bother. The moment came when Hinata heard the toilet flush and saw Hanabi walking out of the bathroom.

"Hinata-san," she exclaimed, "what are you doing here so early…and why is Neji-san looking so perplexed?"

"Never mind that, never mind that," Hinata said as she rushed Hanabi away from the Hyuuga prodigy, but Hanabi put on the brakes and stopped.

"Hinata…something's…new about you, isn't it?"

Hinata sweat dropped. "Um…um…yeah, something's new all right! Here, smell my hand!"

She held out her hand, which had just been caressing Sakura's breast not less than an hour ago, and let Hanabi sniff it. From her expression, the younger sibling thought it to be the most beautiful fragrance ever.

"Sugoi!" Hanabi squealed. "What is that odor?!"

"That's what you smell like when you become a woman, my dear Hanabi," Hinata boasted.

"Here," Hanabi said, "smell my hand."

And Hinata did so, though there was something…odd about the scent emanating from Hanabi's hands. It wasn't unfamiliar, but Hinata couldn't put her finger on it.

"Hanabi, that's quite an odor you've got there. What is that?"

Hanabi giggled as Hinata sniffed her finger. She couldn't hold back any longer.

"My ass!"

Hinata's eyes doubled in size as she immediately pulled back from the laughing Hanabi.

"I didn't wash my hands and now _you_ smelt my ass!"

Neji saw the confrontation between the two kunoichi begin to develop and used this as an opportunity to sneak out of a window, only to see that Hinata had caught him in the scissor hold by the neck before he could get far. She looked over to Hanabi and growled.

"Hanabi…how many times do I have to tell you to **WIPE YOUR ASS**?!"

Of course Hanabi wasn't stupid, but she knew Hinata wouldn't suspect that fragrance of all fragrances to travel up her nostrils. Even still, she ran, not wanting to incur any more of Hinata's wrath.

Hinata turned her attention to the gagging Hyuuga between her legs. Grinning, she released Neji from the death grip as he rolled on the floor, gasping for air.

"It's gonna take me weeks to get that crap smell out of my hands," Hinata muttered to herself. "Anyway, Neji-san, I presume you've read the words to the song you will be singing?"

"Seventeen times," Neji weakly responded, "and I'd like to know where you got the words for this song, anyway."

"That is irrelevant, Neji-san," Hinata chuckled as she sat down cross-legged in front of Neji. "Now, let me hear you say it."

Neji sighed; the longer he put it off, the more he'd suffer in the long run.

"There's a--"

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Though he couldn't put his finger on it, Sasuke felt like he was being watched from all sides. Aside from Sakura and Ino, who _insisted_ on following him everywhere and groping him every chance they got, Sasuke sensed that someone evil was watching his every move.

"Yo…Sasuke, I see the ladies find you irresistible."

Sure enough, Kakashi was leaning against the side of a building…sans his issue of _Icha Icha Paradise_.

"Kakashi-sensei," Sakura said, "why are you all sweaty?"

"And where's your magazine?" Sasuke added, narrowing his eyes at his sensei.

"I just spent the last half hour in the Fifth's office discussing an…important matter and it just ended. I'm sweaty because it got a bit physical and some words were exchanged."

The words 'Sharingan Schlong' come to mind right about now, don't they?

"And I can't find my issue anywhere," he added. "So now I'm heading down to look for Anko."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Anko? You mean the S&M seductress of the Hidden Leaf Village?"

Kakashi was a bit taken aback at that statement, but Sasuke wasn't done yet.

"From what I've heard, she's easier to fuck than a kunoichi in shackles."

"I don't know about that, Sasuke-kun," Ino intervened, "it's pretty easy to fuck a kunoichi in shackles."

Ino noticed that Sasuke, Sakura, and Kakashi were giving here a 'What the hell' stare when she decided to add to her sentence.

"…is what I've heard from…other shinobi as well."

"That's the joke, Ino-san," Sasuke said, completely oblivious to the fact that he just added an ending. Overjoyed by the sign of respect, Ino instantly had an orgasm, but had to contain it with a stupid look on her face.

"The joke is on Mitarashi Anko and how little effort it takes to fuck her."

If this wasn't an example of the sex drug getting to Sasuke, I don't know what is.

Kakashi was brimming with anger, but let none of it show. He began running off into the distance.

Sakura yelled after him. "Wait! Kakashi-sensei!"

"Gotta go," he called, "it's girl stuff!"

Sakura turned her head around, the sound it made was similar to that of a door slowly opening as her eyes bulged out in horror.

"Girl stuff…girl stuff…who would've known?"

Sasuke snorted. "Pfft, how troublesome."

Instantly, Sasuke, Sakura, and the sticky Ino could hear someone yell from afar 'THAT'S MY LINE!'

Who else?

Lee soon came running up to join the other three genin, though he had a rather large bulge in his pants and his face was bright red.

"This…toso…is the greatest thing ever."

"Lee," Sakura asked, stepping back so she wouldn't be poked, "how many bowls have you had?"

"Oh, a couple hundred."

Lee suddenly felt a hand pressed on his back. "Yes, Lee, embrace the fiery passion of your youth. Take it as if you would never experience it again."

"Gai-sensei…"

"Lee…"

"No, HELL NO," Sakura said as she tore down the fake background of a sunset at the beach and smashed the radio that was playing romantic music in two. "Enough is enough! I have had it with the 'Lee and Gai are kinda gay but not really' game on this damn plane!"

Ino blinked. "What plane?"

---------------------------------

Kakashi stumbled into an alleyway and swore to himself. Instantly, there was a loud pop and gust of air that revealed Anko. Of all the people to Henge into, Kakashi was one she didn't expect to.

"Easier to fuck...shackles…EASY TO FUCK?!"

Oh yes, Sasuke would be her bitch if it was the last thing she'd do.

Anko began jumping from various rooftops until she landed at an installment placed right in the middle of the shopping commerce, though recently, a shop by the name of Victoria's Secret was installed and attracted the attention of many kunoichi.

She landed before the shop and walked to the back, ignoring the various women feeling up on the mannequins. Approaching the back, Anko came face to face with another menacing looking kunoichi.

"Password?"

Sighing, Anko opened her jacket and showed off her breasts to the woman, hoping to Kami that she was a lesbian.

"Nice rack, but we changed the password yesterday."

Anko sighed again as she undid her lower garments.

"NO, NO, not the Netherlands!"

"Oh…" Anko said weakly as she rearranged her clothing. She then leaned closer as if to whisper something.

"Your real name?" The woman asked.

"Kunoichi Slutty Undies Number 390841," Anko responded.

The woman acknowledged that she was correct and followed Anko into the backroom where there was a large variety of S&M items that any seductress would need.

"Ah, yes," Anko remarked as she picked up a bullwhip, "Sasuke-kun _will_ be my bitch."

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Naruto rushed to the front of the colossal crowd where the rest of his chums were to see a huge stage set up. On it were three chairs, Hanabi and Neji each occupying one while Hinata approached center stage and took the microphone.

"Greetings, fellow citizens of Konoha; my name is Hyuuga Hinata and on behalf of the Hyuuga clan, I would like to thank you for sparing some time of your busy day to enjoy the spectacle you are about to witness."

"What the hell's going on?"

Tenten jumped and stopped caressing her breasts when she realized that Naruto was acknowledging her.

"Neji-kun has something he wants to say to everyone, and it sounds _very_ important."

"He's bald?"

"…No," Tenten said in a monotone voice.

"Oh, I get it," Naruto chuckled, a grin on his face, "he's small."

A few moments later, Chouji and Shikamaru were helping Naruto off of the ground. The Uzumaki idiot was now sporting a bruise on his cheek.

"Strange," Chouji said as he downed another potato chip, "Tenten's never been known to punch someone like that."

Tenten snorted. "How dare he say that about the great Hyuuga Neji."

"…has prepared extensively for this event, and now the wait is finally over," Hinata finished. She then looked back to her cousin and grinned, but it wasn't a grin of joy, it was a grin of _evil_. "Neji-kun, please approach the microphone."

Rather than sit there and have to put up with Hanabi repeatedly asking him to sniff her hand, Neji approached the microphone as Hinata backed up a few steps behind him.

"Um…testing…one, two…testing," Neji said weakly.

It's strange that a sex drug would switch the personalities of Neji and Hinata. Hinata was now the confident, outspoken one, and Neji, the soft, quiet, weird genin.

"Hello, everyone," Neji announced, "welcome and please enjoy the song."

Seconds passed and Neji didn't say a word. He could almost feel Hinata's eyes burning a hole in the back of his jacket, figuratively speaking, as she urged him to go on. Once again, he realized that the more he put it off, the longer he'd have to endure this embarrassment, so why not get it over with right now?

Neji took the microphone and began to sing.

"There's….there's…there's a…skeeter…on my peter, beat it off…there's a…sk-sk-skeeter on my…peter, beat…it…off-"

Hinata was growing impatient, as she tapped her foot anxiously in anticipation.

"**SING LOUDER, YOU DAMN BASTARD BEFORE I GRAB MY TWO BY FOUR!!"** Hinata yelled as she began yelling, whooping and clapping her hands like a country bumpkin.

Neji embraced the microphone with a death grip and began singing to his heart's content.

"**THERE'S A DOZEN ON MY COUSIN, I CAN HEAR THOSE BASTARDS BUZZIN', THERE'S A SKEETER ON MY PETER…BEAT IT OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!"**

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

Dead silence until Naruto raised his hand.

"What's a peter and why should I beat it off?"

Before Hinata could respond, a thunderous round of applause arose from the crowd as they cheered for Hyuuga Neji and his bold, bold, bold attempt. Not knowing what else to do, Neji, Hinata, and for whatever reason, Hanabi, all took a bow.

Naruto saw this as an opportunity to gain some bonus points with some of the people of Konoha who had mistreated him. He jumped onto the podium and stole the microphone.

"WHO AM I?" He yelled.

"UZUMAKI NARUTO!!!!" The crowd responded loudly and enthusiastically.

"WHO'S GONNA BE THE GREASTEST HOKAGE WHO EVER LIVED?!"

"UZUMAKI NARUTO!!!!"

Naruto had it in the bag; the crowd was playing into his hands. All he needed was one more question to win the entire audience over for good.

"WHAT'S THE GREATEST DUBBED ANIME EVER MADE?!"

However, Naruto was totally _not_ prepared for the answer he would receive.

"**ONE PIECE!!!!!!!!"**

Everything…just…stopped. It was dead silent; you could cut the tension with a weedwhacker.

Naruto tapped his foot impatiently, just as Hinata, but he then snapped the microphone in two. He could feel red chakra leaking out of his body, but he'd contain his rage no matter what at this idiot crowd. Naruto jumped into the crowd and walked off, Sakura and Sasuke hot on his heels.

"Um…Neji-kun?"

Neji looked down and saw Tenten eying him with a lustful stare.

"Could…I be the one to…beat it off…for you?"

-----------------------------------------

Once again, to clarify, 'Sugoi' is Japanese for 'Amazing, cool, wow,' anything of that nature.

Even tough guys like Neji and Sasuke can fall victim to a vicious aphrodisiac, right? Hope you all enjoyed the chapter and stay tuned for the next installment where Team 7 questions their sensei about that book he reads, Anko prepares to capture her bitch, Tsunade and Shizune have a bit of 'playtime,' Neji and Tenten...need I say more, and Kurenai explains to her team the reasons for her nickname. Tune in next time and keep reading those fictions!


	9. Icha Icha Paradise Exposed

**Phazon:** Well, this chapter mostly focuses on the antics of Team 7 and their Sharingan wielding sensei as they learn just what's in that book he's always reading. I originally wanted to include more antics, but then I'd just be jumping all over the place, which would cause confusion for the readers, as well as myself. Thank you all for your feedback and reviews from the last chapter; they're greatly appreciated, but don't think I'm sucking up and begging for reviews, as that's just a bad ploy in and of itself. We're upping the ante here as far as content and suggestive dialogue, so it's a good thing the story is rated M, otherwise it'd be pulled down.

_Disclaimer:_ Of course I do not own the Naruto characters. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto and him only. All I own is this fan fiction, and that's it, so don't sue!

And for the record, I _do_ happen to own the characters that I give names to in the version of _Icha Icha Paradise_ portrayed in the story, but that's about it. Let's move on, shall we?

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**Icha Icha Paradise Exposed!**

If there was one thing Kakashi wanted, it was some alone time with his favorite book. This was _not_ one of those times.

"OI, SENSEI!!!!!!"

Kakashi inwardly cursed and put his book under his arm after hearing Naruto's voice. The second he turned around, Sakura had already jumped in the air, swooped down, and tackled him to the ground.

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei, what's in that book of yours?!!"

He didn't answer, for Kakashi was too distracted when he noticed that Sakura did _not_ have panties on. He could tell because he would've seen the panty line showing through her pants. Yes, the Copy Ninja had a lot of free time on his hands.

"So…you wanna know about the secrets of _Icha Icha_, do you not?"

"Well, all Ero-sennin told me is that it involves something about a cock like a donkey that's as hard as a rock…whatever that means," Naruto told him, shrugging.

"Yeah," Kakashi said in a dreamily tone, "that was three volumes ago…BUT THIS IS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT!!!"

A double standard, yes.

Kakashi sighed, knowing his students would follow him to the ends of the earth and back. After all, this wasn't the first time they'd tried to uncover some secret of his.

_Underneath this mask…is another mask!_

He shuddered at the thought of them trying to see underneath his mask again, but he figured he could scar them for life he let them view the innards, metaphorically speaking, of the book.

"All right," he said at last, rubbing his hair, "I figure you guys are sexed up enough to actually remember what happened when they did the nasty."

"So…there's hard core fucking in there?"

Kakashi turned to the source of that question and smiled. "It'll be like Pleasure Island all over again."

As Team 7 walked on, Sasuke muttered 'Yes' to himself and placed his hands in his pockets. Was he doing it to look cool and distant, or was it because something had gotten his attention that he needed to hide?

I'd say the latter.

----------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, behind closed doors in the Hyuuga mansion, the unthinkable happened.

"T-Tenten…this feels so wrong," Neji uttered, beads of sweat trickling down his forehead.

"Neji-kun, you know that this is beneficial for both of us: I'll get my fun, and you'll get your pleasure. Stop complaining and just let me keep at it for a few more seconds."

Tenten continued the process, causing the bed to move back and forth while doing so.

Outside, with their ears pressed against the door, Hinata and Hanabi listened as they heard the sounds of Neji moaning in what seemed to be pure horror, while it sounded like Tenten was getting herself off with her index finger.

"Come on, Tenten, pull **harder**!!"

"This would…be FINE…if it wasn't so BIG!!!"

"What you got against guys that have big ones, huh? Would you rather it be small and this take a lot longer?"

"Shut the **fuck** up and let me do my job, Hyuuga! Once I'm done, you'll know how it feels once you experience it with my hands!"

Neji's cries began to escalate higher…and higher…and **higher**…and **HIGHER** until…

"**OOOOOOOOH, KAAAAAAAAAMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!"**

_BAM!_

There was the sound of something smashing against, and presumably, cracking the mirror in Neji's room.

Hinata and Hanabi's eyes were as wide as dinner plates upon hearing this. Hinata was foaming at the mouth and had a sudden urge to masturbate, while Hanabi had half the mind to go and tell Hiashi, but the other half wanted to stay and hear what else happened.

"I guess…they fucked…" Hinata said in between keeping her hand out of her panties.

Back inside, Neji and Tenten lay sprawled out on the carpet, completely exhausted and gasping for breath. The Hyuuga looked over to the kunoichi and smiled.

"Tenten…I can't believe you did that for me, and I didn't even ask you to."

She smiled. "It was no problem, Neji-kun. After all, I've got plenty of experience in that area, but you're the first Hyuuga I was able to try it out on."

Neji looked to his how shoeless feet. "Yeah, no one's _ever_ helped me get my shoes off before because they've been too tight…" Neji paused, looked towards the door, formed the hand signs, and activated Byakugan.

"They're watching us," he said to Tenten.

"They probably think we're fucking."

It was then that Tenten remembered the other reason she came to Neji's.

"Now…drop your shorts and let me see it, big man."

Neji sighed and did as he was told. When the shorts fell to the floor, Tenten's eyes widened as she got closer.

"BOY, HOWDY!!!"

Sure, Neji had never been…stroked before, but how bad could Tenten possibly be?

The kunoichi began slowly, working her way up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, back and forth, while Neji, dare I say it, _moaned_ in ecstasy.

Outside, Hanabi had a figurative question mark above her head. She turned to Hinata, who had since climaxed into her panties already, but did not care.

"Hinata-san? What's that huge muscle coming out of Neji's center?"

Hinata rolled her eyes; Hanabi may have been a bit disgusting, but she still had a lot to learn.

Neji and Tenten, however, were just beginning something good and…long-lasting, so to speak.

-------------------------------------------

"So Itsumi's like, 'You can't take that condom! I need that for Hitoshi when we get to start ass ramming tonight!' And Osami's like, 'But Hitoshi can give it to you hard or soft through your front, not through the rear entrance. Let him fuck you dry before you let him push open your rear doorway!'"

Rather than be sprawled out on the ground, tears in their eyes, horrific nosebleeds and twitches beyond repair, Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke sat attentively as they listened to their sensei narrate one of the forbidden chapters of _Icha Icha_.

Kakashi sighed; he hated having to go into more chapters when he only intended to go into one, but when he noticed the obvious bulges in both Naruto _AND_ Sasuke's lower garments (I kid you not) and how Sakura's nipples began to show through her kimono, he knew he had to go on. He started thinking about one of the better chapters.

"All right," he said, snapping his fingers, "so Itsumi was cheating on her boyfriend Hisoka, with his best friend, Hitoshi. Basically, they were caught in the middle of the horizontal romp. Know what?"

Kakashi trailed off and just took out the volume; opening it and showing a full page that showed said man Hitoshi, tonguing Itsumi's virgin cunt out. "Of course they did the standard fuck and sleep, but Itsumi said she wanted more; she wanted to feel something new inside of her besides a schlong or banana." He continued.

Naruto laughed. "How could a banana fit somewhere inside of a woman besides her mouth?"

Kakashi smiled and pulled out another book. "I'm glad you asked that question, Naruto. Let me show you some of one of J's personal favorite chapters: _Itsumi's First Time: Get a Stinky Pinky_. It's all about Itsumi being introduced to the wonders of masturbation through her friend, Tokiwa, who was a Mexican stripper by night. She told Itsumi about the joys of enjoying one's self and--"

"Wait, wait, wait a minute, Kakashi!"

Kakashi groaned and slapped his forehead. "What _is_ it, Sasuke?!"

"You're going to fast with the characters and just introducing them on the fly, and this dobe," he said, pointing to Naruto, "won't be able to keep up with you."

"Good point, Sasuke-kun," Sakura agreed.

"Well, fine then, I'll start from the beginning," Kakashi told them.

_Sheesh_, he thought. By the time he was done with this drawn out explanation, Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke would probably all be full time subscribers to _Icha Icha_.

_Five minutes later_

Kakashi now had a huge chart out before him, complete with characters' names and their bodies in complex positions.

"We begin with Akutabi Shigeaki, the story's main protagonist, who grew up in a quiet little village not unlike Konoha. He has had a secret obsession with women's lingerie and always went to sniff the panties at the clothing stores after the women decided they wanted them. He was banned in chapter three for practicing CPR on a mannequin."

"He got put out for that?" Sakura asked. "Tsunade-sama has had me practice CPR before and never thought any less of me."

"He wasn't trying to revive them with his mouth."

"Ahh," Sasuke and Naruto said together, figuring out the joke.

"More than that," Kakashi continued, "he always whacks off whenever he gets the chance at home. Therein lies the problem, as he always fears discovery by his roommate, who keeps his door open at all times. The only person that Shigeaki confides in is his girlfriend, Kakyoin Nichie, who, up until now, has always been the playful type. She always wanted to give him a quick job before he went to work, as she figured out how to do the task quite skillfully after practicing on a makeshift pickle at the tender age of nine."

Sasuke gulped as he began rubbing through his shorts.

"Nichie and Shigeaki get along very well, and she always manages to have the skimpiest outfit on. It wasn't a surprise to find out in chapter thirteen that she used to be a G-string diva because she said she enjoyed the bright lights and the men calling her 'Mrs. Big Boobs McDraw.'"

"Mcdraw?"

"Yeah, J still hasn't explained that," Kakashi said to Sakura. "Moving right along, we meet Tsubaki Itsumi, who I've been talking about for awhile now. Itsumi has the breasts of Tsunade and the wildness of Kurenai-san, but she goes both ways."

Figurative question marks appeared above the heads of the three genin.

"You know, she's a box reply, meaning she lets her womanhood do the talking?"

The question marks only grew larger."

"She's a lesbian," Kakashi finally spat out in the most deadpan tone. "By day, she's your average, hard-working waitress, though by night, and probably still by day, she becomes a rampant lesbian that loves fingering other women where the sun doesn't shine."

Naruto raised his hand. "In their pants?"

"Bingo," Kakashi responded. Maybe Naruto wasn't as dense as people made him out to be.

"Her obsession with fingering women started when someone did it to her while she was at summer camp. She was afraid she contracted crabs or something like that, but ever since that day, she _liked_, no, _loved_ the sensation of the front and the back penetration. Umino Hitoshi, her boyfriend, is just as wild and crazy as she is, always flirting around with the latest tease whenever he didn't have his face stuffed in Itsumi's humongous rack. He can give it to her hard, but he can even reach around and get a finger or so in her ass to get double the climax.

"I see," Sakura said, coming to a conclusion, "so he's like that guy from the Chuunin Exam that could mend and bend his joints, and then manipulate them with only his chakra?"

"Not exactly; there is no ninjutsu or anything like that in here; the guy is just really good with the ladies…really good…like **really for really SUPER good**…" Kakashi paused for a second and then continued, "I hate him so much, so very much."

"But what's the premise of the story, sensei? It seems like these are just a bunch of sexed up adults having what they call a good time."

It was at this point that Kakashi showed a scene from issue 56: _It's Midnight in September and I Can't Get My Dick Out of Itsumi's Ass_.

"Need I say more?" He asked. "Sure, they are civilized, rarely, during the day, but other than that, they just look for a quick job. If not, they're beating the crap out of each other, but that's _Icha Icha Violence_ is for. I'm getting off track here. Back to _Paradise_, Itsumi's best friend, Sekihara Osami, always wants to outdo Itsumi in anyways possible, even if she has to tongue the biggest lesbian in their village. Let me give you a scene of dialogue from one of the…_normal_ moments in the series.

_We then transition from the Naruto universe into Kakashi's book that is Icha Icha Paradise_.

Several people sit in the park one day, watching life pass them by.

"So, Hitoshi, seen any good movies?"

"Nope," he responded, "got busted for trying to get myself off in the scene where the actress started caressing herself. You'd think, in this day and age, the average man can pull out his tool and start rubbing the unicorn's horn, so to speak, without getting busted."

"I hear you," Shigeaki agreed as he drank his soda, "I remember when I was in this restaurant trying to order some food, and the lady gave it to me, and it was good."

"What…does that have to do with the matter at hand?"

"Hmm? Oh, nothing, but it's a point of interest you all ought to be interested in."

"So…Shigeaki," Nichie said seductively as she began nipping at his ear, "wanna go behind a tree and help me find my space?"

"The website?"

"NO! My space, the space between my legs!"

"Your underwear?"

It was no use; Nichie got up and walked away.

Shigeaki raised an eyebrow. "What's gotten into her?"

Itsumi laughed at the baka. "Certainly not you, you dumbass."

_We now leave the book world and return to Konoha, where Sasuke has found it even harder to contain himself._

"It only goes downhill from there," Kakashi explained, "because Nichie got so angry, she did something drastic."

"What'd she do?" Naruto and Sakura asked.

"Yes…tell us…what the fuck she did…" Sasuke strained.

"Now, if I were to spoil something, what kind of sensei would I be?"

"You're already a pervert," Naruto shot back, "and it's not like we think any less of you."

_Nice to know I'm appreciated_, Kakashi thought, but they did have a point.

"I tell you what," he said to them, "each of these issues comes with a slip that you can use to subscribe to _Icha Icha_, though since all of you know J is right here in Konoha, it'd be no problem to just go up and ask him."

"He gave me a premium membership for doing the Oiroke no Jutsu over and over again until no more blood could go to his nose," Naruto explained, "so I've gotten to see some of the things even _you_ haven't seen, Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi instantly tackled Naruto to the ground.

"DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE OOC CHAPTER JIRAIYA DID WHEN HE WAS DRUNK WHEN THEY ALL HAD A DRUNKEN SATANIC BLOOD ORGY?!!?!"

"The very same," Naruto said with a weak smile on his face.

The next thing Naruto knew, he was being carried off under Kakashi's shoulder, the two presumably going off to find Jiraiya for whatever reason. This only left Sakura and Sasuke all alone.

The kunoichi sat next to the Uchiha and started petting his shorts. "Sasuke-kun, that book gave me some interesting ideas."

"Get more issues," he said quickly.

"Sasuke-kun…"

"I plan to memorize all of the moves within those pages…with this," he said, pointing to his eye and indicating his Sharingan.

"And…you'll do them to me?" Sakura asked, hopefully.

"Feh...maybe, but Sakura, you'll have to help me back."

She blinked. "Why is that?"

Sasuke covered his face in embarrassment. "Because I just lost it again."

Sasuke's will must not be as strong as it's made out to be.

Instantly, Sasuke saw Sakura's pants and panties drop to the ground.

"Then perhaps I should help you with that before…you get stickier."

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Well, there goes another chapter for you, folks. I know, I promised a lot more in the previous chapter, but I got so wrapped up in _Icha Icha_ that I decided to make that the main premise of this chapter. Anyways, if you wanted different, don't be disappointed, as the day is not over yet. I can't promise what will happen next chapter, for even _I_ don't know what will happen. Will Sasuke and Sakura finally go at it? And what became of Tenten and Neji from earlier? Hell if I know, but I hope you enjoyed the chapter and stay tuned for the next one. Of course, I have no idea what truly lies within _Icha Icha Paradise_, so this is strictly from my point of view, and if it got a bit too graphic for some…well, you probably shouldn't be reading this in the first place, okay? Later.


	10. Origins of Lassie

**Phazon:** I don't think anyone besides myself and Xinthos know about the whole _Porky's_ scene that's used in chapter six with everyone discovering _why_ they call Kurenai 'Lassie.' This chapter won't exactly clear things up, because it's a bit farfetched, for the most part. I won't spoil it, though, you'll have to find out. This chapter won't involve Team 7, so we get to focus on the other shinobi teams for awhile.

_Disclaimer:_ Of course I do not own the Naruto characters. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto and him only. All I own is this fan fiction, and that's it, so don't sue!

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**Origins of Lassie**

"Kurenai-sensei!!"

The genjutsu expert froze upon hearing the voice of one of her pupils, and her fears were confirmed when she whirled around to see all of her team walking towards her.

"Or rather…should I say Lassie?" Kiba laughed.

"Sensei…you will tell us the mysteries of your nickname," Shino demanded. There was no choice; she pretty much _had_ to do. Shino had a weird way of getting what he wanted when his threats of bugs getting into _every_ space of the body were made clear.

She backed up; trying to think of possible escapes. "Shouldn't you all be with your little friends?"

"Shouldn't _you_ be somewhere screaming with your legs spread wide open like a model from Paris?" Hinata shot back.

Kurenai realized that this would get _very_ old _very_ fast and if there was one thing Kiba knew how to do, it was how to coax Shino and Hinata into following him anywhere. The only difference is that the other students actually _wanted_ to find out why their sensei screams like a banshee, and they would follow her to Suna and back to find out.

"Better now than never," she said aloud. "Come with me, all of you, and I'll tell you the mysteries of my nickname.

Hinata broke out of her drunken stupor for a brief moment. "Sensei, if it is a mystery, why does so much of Konoha know about it?"

"_Just come with me_," she replied icily, giving Hinata a mean glare.

-------------------------------------

"I think we can probably go at it again."

She frowned; it was good at the beginning when it was a new experience, but enough was enough, as she'd probably used much of her chakra just to do _that_.

"Demo, I don't have that much chakra left and I think you can do that without my help."

He snorted at her lack of energy. "Certainly you didn't just forget what moment we just shared together not that long ago."

"Five minutes ago…well, four and a half, according to where the sun is."

He started advancing on her, something he'd _never_ normally do, but the influence of an aphrodisiac can make you do crazy things.

"Ah…but my little bishoujo, how can you resist me?"

He then began cupping her left breast and took her nipple between his ring and index finger, giving her the slightest jolt of excitement.

"N…No-no, you're making me jittery like your siblings usually are. Ah! Please at least let me get my panties off first!"

"You'd have to struggle with getting those tight pants off first," he said in between fondling, "so I'll work with what I've got. Now, are you gonna help me do it again with the next time or what?"

Tenten decided that this was enough.

"Neji-san…for the last time…"

The Hyuuga prodigy withdrew his face from Tenten's ample bosom to hear what the weapons kunoichi had to say.

"…**TAKE YOUR OTHER DAMN SHOE OFF YOURSELF!!!"**

Because Neji was in such close proximity, he heard every word in spades as he quickly backed off.

_Sheesh_, he thought, _Tenten screams loud enough to wake the dead_…

He paused and then put two and two together.

_This means she must MOAN loud enough to wake the dead, too!_

"I GOTTA BUY A RUBBER!!!" Neji yelled, _completely_ out of his normal persona. He was a bit peeved that he hadn't thought that instead of saying it aloud.

Tenten narrowed her eyes toward the prodigy.

"Go ahead."

Neji turned around and began walking towards his window. Opening it, he heard Tenten call his name before he left. She had the naughtiest grin on her face that you'd ever seen.

"And get the big ones."

He smirked. "Damn straight."

But before Neji could leave, Tenten decided to have a little fun with the Hyuuga and possibly scar him for the rest of his natural life as a shinobi. She was only kidding, but Neji had taken in so much toso, he would never notice.

"Not for you Neji-san…I meant for me."

And with that, Neji was gone, hopping and running across rooftops, talking to himself.

"_I'm_ Hyuuga Neji, everybody knows who I am."

Hopping through the forests, logic shot to the front of Neji's mind as he realized what the last thing was that Tenten had said. The truth hit him like a sack of potatoes wrapped in cement.

"WAIT…WHAT THE FUC-"

It was too late, though, as he'd already run into a tree due to not paying attention.

----------------------------------------

"Now do any of you have to go to the bathroom? I don't want you walking into the forest while I tell my story?"

Kiba scoffed. "My story of how I got Akamaru is better; it has tigers."

"No it doesn't."

Everyone's eyes swelled to gigantic proportions (well, except for Shino, who remained surprisingly calm) and looked towards what was sitting on top of Kiba: Akamaru.

"Did you just talk?"

"No."

Kiba's eyes returned to a normal size as he looked back at his sensei and crossed his shoulders.

"Now, you were just about to tell us about why they call you Lassie."

Kurenai closed her eyes as her fingers began moving swiftly through hand seals.

"Look into my eyes as I show you the mysteries--"

Of all the things Kurenai expected Hinata to do, kicking her in the face abruptly while she was forming seals was _not_ one of them. Kurenai went flying into a tree before Hinata exploded onto the scene.

"YOU'RE GONNA USE SOME STUPID GENJUTSU ON US SO WE FORGET WHAT YOU TELL US, BUT REMEMBER--"

She pauses, her own fingers beginning to move through hand seals.

"I've got the Byakugan."

Kurenai is back on her feet, but she settled on the grass and crossed her legs, not to keep Kiba from guessing what color panties she wore, but out of respect.

At least, I think that's why.

"It all began sometime before Gai's team entered the academy; Asuma and I were tying the knot on each other's shoes, I was licking the very top and body of his ice cream cone, his tongue was constantly going in and out and in and out of the cone to see if there was any ice cream left, I always had my hand down his pants in order to get the money I dropped whenever I was whispering something in his ear, I took a firm hold of his long, hard joystick--"

"Eh-heh," Kiba nodded.

"AND I SNAPPED IT IN BLOODY HALF!!!"

Unknown to the others, the color suddenly drained from Shino's face as he edged _away_ and made a mental note to take Kurenai-sensei off of his 'Send bugs to spy on' list.

"And then I put it in a coffee cup."

"His…joystick?" Hinata asked, her right eye slightly twitching.

Kurenai blinked, unmoved by her team's reaction. "Yes, the joystick from his crappy Atari 2600. I literally chewed the scenery."

She sighed brightly at the memory and got lost in her thoughts before Kiba brought her back to reality.

"Um…Kurenai-sensei, what does this have to do with your nickname?"

"Oh, yes, of course. Well, when Asuma and I decided to…rock the casbah, he took me to his place and he had this really cool ceiling fan. You could hear the 'Whrrrrrrrrrrrr' noise when you turned it on."

"And?"

"We were watching Asuma's video he made years ago."

In order to become a Jounin in Konoha…besides the Jounin _Exam_, the candidate had to create a video of their qualifications and why they were best suit for the job.

"And he said he was the best because he could teach his students how to smoke a six pack."

Kiba's eyes lit up. "Of sake?"

"…cigarettes, Kiba, cigarettes. You can't _smoke_ a bottle."

"Not the ones I've seen."

Kurenai had Hinata shut Kiba up so she could continue.

"He gets me to my room and I tell him that I haven't gotten any hanky panky for a week, and he swore off masturbating so he could save everything up for this day and this day only. We start going at it, but he kept smoking that damn cigarette. Every time he went in, the cigarette was touching my left cheek."

"Go on."

"I'm about to hit my climax; shinobi such as us can tell when that happens because we feel like our personal areas are full of pent up chakra."

"If that's what you wanna call it," Kiba laughed.

"Kiba, I swear, if you interrupt me again, I'm give you the illusion that you're having a vasectomy."

Kiba _hates_ vasectomies.

"So I tell him that when he's going for the final thrust, not to push too hard, because he may throw off my chakra flow and I'd end up having multiple orgasms."

A rhetorical question mark appeared above Hinata's head.

"Sensei, I thought you said this was a _bad_ thing."

"You'll see where I'm going, Hinata-chan. Asuma threw his cigarette out the window and didn't heed my words; he only went faster and faster like a choo-choo train does when you press 'Rapid' on the speed meter. All of a sudden, **BAM**, and he breaks the flow of my chakra. This means that in the confines of my flaming inner walls, red hot chakra is just floating around, circulating throughout my body and making it feel like I'm on fire. I was told that the only way for the fire to be cooled--"

"…is to have the man plant his seed in your hole."

"That's…right, Shino…thank you…I think," Kurenai slowly said, her eye twitching just a bit.

"So I'm screaming for my dear life like there was no tomorrow; I started scratching Asuma, biting him, head butting him, **BEGGING** him to climax into me already before I killed him. After five minutes…I'm still waiting. Obviously, Asuma had been a little rusty, but I could tell he was getting close. All the while, I'm screaming loud enough to wake up the Yondaime Hokage. But before he could release--"

She paused, taking a moment to recompose herself. Her squad saw that was clearly anger on her face and decided to find out why.

"Before he released…what happened?"

Kurenai lifted her head. "Ugh…Kakashi just _happened_ to be walking across the wall and _happened_ to see us in the buck nude, Asuma in the withdrawal position, and yours truly in the 'laying there like a dead lox' position. 'Hey, guys,' he told us, 'I was just going to check on Anko when I just randomly passed by. Ain't that the strangest thing?'"

Kiba was silently praying for a three way gangbang.

"He stood there upside down and watched us, but he was nice enough to close his eyes when Asuma finally hit it, his little men splattering all over my cavern walls, marking their territory, swimming like vanilla flavored."

She stopped again.

"Good times…good times." Kurenai saw the confusion on her team's face; she hadn't really told them _everything_ they wanted to know, and wasn't the entire story of where her nickname came from. Even still, she felt she had done enough.

"So…can I go now?"

"We're the students, sensei, it's not up to us."

Kurenai sighed; standing to her feet as she began to form seals.

"I told you not to interrupt."

"But I didn't--"

Before Kiba could finish, Kurenai placed two fingers on his forehead and he instantly was knocked out. She looked to Hinata and Shino and took out some products.

"Leave the scissors near his pants, dip this napkin in red paint, and put these gummy bears in his hands when he wakes up."

"Wait, Kurenai-sensei!!"

Kurenai turned back around and faced the _former_ timid kunoichi.

"A question, Hinata?"

"How...do you…seduce other male shinobi?"

Now there was a problem; Kurenai knew of Hinata's crush on Naruto since he beat Kiba back during the Chuunin Exams, but she _never_ believed that she wanted to take initiative.

"Why do you ask?"

Hinata began doing that shifty finger movement she always does.

"B-Because…I want to make N-Naruto-kun mine."

------------------------------------------------

Once again...must clarify, when Tenten says 'Demo,' that'...at least I think, is one of the ways to say 'But' in Japanese. I may be wrong, though.

**Phazon:** And there you go; classic case of overcoming your fears and facing your destiny…I think. Anyway, I'll have to go deeper on the history of Kurenai's nickname, as there's much I plan to add to it, but for the time being, we'll leave them alone. Next chapter will probably center around Tsunade and Shizune's reactions to the drugs as night begins to fall on Konoha once again, but if any of you have ideas, I'd like to know them. I won't ask you for reviews, as I'm not trying to make this some story that's got thousand of reviews, but somewhere where I can get good feedback from regardless of how many have read and reviewed it, so the decision's yours. Tune in next time and I hope the chapter didn't disappoint.

Later.


	11. Tsunade's Private Time

To reviewer "-- not impressed," why do I have the strangest feeling that you're also the same person who posed as the reviewers "Yuri?," "Kunoichi," and "Yaoi Fangirl"? Whether you are or aren't, I'm gonna set the record straight: I don't intend on including any same gender sexual situations. Now, there may be incidents were two characters of the same sex are involved in some sort of predicament, but nothing that would lead to sexual situations.

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**Tsunade's Private Time**

Even though Tsunade had never touched herself before, she figured it was time she did some experimenting now that she was alone. After shutting the windows and creating a Kage Bunshin to guard the door, Tsunade leaned back in her chair, stretched her neck, and let her hand move up and down her body.

Being the Hokage had its rewards and disappointments. On the one hand, the Hokage had the duty of protecting all those who looked up to them as great leaders of the country they were responsible for. They have dedicated themselves to the safety and sanctity of their village and were usually known as the most powerful ninja in their village.

However, the disappointment was that there was never any privacy. And if there was one thing that Tsunade didn't get enough of, it was alone time. Nearly every day, Shizune would file in with more important documents or IOUs that the Godaime needed to live up to if she didn't to get visited by debt collectors. Not that they could do anything to Tsunade in the first place, though.

"Fuck…damn it all to hell…"

Tsunade was by no means lazy. She would always work hard for the citizens of Konoha, but she needed an occasional fix every now and then, which today came in the form of a bottle of sake mixed with the aphrodisiac. As a result, Tsunade was now opting to do what Sakura had done not that long ago.

Masturbate.

When she was finally ready to begin her voyage, Tsunade grunted in length as her right hand found its way coursing down her blouse and down her pants. It quickly reached the forbidden zone, for Tsunade chose not to wear panties on this particular day. That didn't matter, since anyone who attempted to catch a peek would be dead before they realized it.

After slightly breaking the barrier, Tsunade was broken out of her pleasure zone when she realized that she'd never masturbated. She had her sources, though; Anko told her that the sexual pleasure was different for each and every woman out there.

Tsunade was not about to go out of her way to 'set the mood' by drawing a hot bath, and considering the writer of _Icha Icha_, she wouldn't dare read that smut. Like Shikamaru, she just wanted to get the thing done with as little effort as possible.

But masturbation took more than just a little effort.

"If I could…get the…nipple just…"

Tsunade, in the midst of rampant swearing and groaning, realized she was fondling her left breast with her left hand. As a jolt of excitement surged through her body, Tsunade cringed, unintentionally bringing her fingers together and pinching her nipple.

Experimentation was another good thing to try, Anko had told Tsunade once, such as using one or two fingers to rub one's self or even using lotion. Tsunade didn't have lotion with her at the current time. Anko also explained that it was always better if the woman was laying flat out on her bed with her legs spread apart, the right hand always kept near the vulva, but trying to _tighten_ and _relax_ the muscles at the same time.

"Dear…God…fuck…this…shit…"

Tsunade was now rocking back and forth in her chair, beads of sweat beginning to form on her eyebrows, arms, and even between her breasts. She was careful, however, not to lean so far back that she'd go flying out the window. Tsunade found it suddenly getting hotter when the sun was going down, but that was the result of touching her womanhood.

Removing her hand from her nipple, Tsunade looked over at the clock and saw that at least seven minutes had passed and nothing happened. More than that, the bunshin hadn't been destroyed yet, as Tsunade would've noticed.

"The hell…with it…"

Tsunade began focusing chakra to flow between her legs in order to hopefully heighten the sexual experience. She began stroking her vulva a bit faster and was breathing _deeply_ as opposed to holding her breath, as breathing deeply would help release some sexual energy, or rather, sexual _chakra_, as Sakura had once called it after she tried it. Tsunade felt a warm sensation all over her abdomen as she undid her blouse and worked her hand all over her breasts.

"Oh…God…dear…God…"

At this point, Tsunade didn't care if Shizune had disposed of the Kage Bunshin with a simple strike and burst in on her. All she wanted was to reach this undeniable pleasure that would soon disappear if she didn't get it to surface quickly.

Tsunade now went as far as to gently slide two fingers into her womanhood, breaking the barrier in order to tell if she was relaxed or not. She moaned in pure ecstasy, bliss, and satisfaction as the chakra between her legs began moving even faster. However, she couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed. If she didn't reach the climax of sexual pleasure soon, something as simple as masturbation would become _work_ and we already know she didn't like working a lot.

Even still, those feelings of anger were masked by feelings of pleasure and festivity when Tsunade suddenly felt the waves of excitement getting a bit rough and bumpy…_very_ bumpy…so bumpy that she accidentally jumped up in her chair and let something foul smelling and _loud_ fly from her behind. A faint blush appeared Tsunade's face as she realized that for that split second, she lost control of a bodily function. Luckily, no one was present to smell it. That she could be grateful for.

Tsunade was now sweating as bad as Tonton would be after being carried in the hot sun all day by Shizune. She felt her heartbeat increase, her eyelids slowly dropping, the slight tinges now felt like electric shocks, and her hips jerk altogether. She could slowly feel her nipples becoming stiff and erect, while her areolas enlarged slightly.

Soon enough, Tsunade felt the tense feeling in her stomach, breasts, chakra flow, and between her legs that all threatened to erupt …but she _wanted_ it to happen. Slowly but surely, secretions were gathering within the flaming walls of her oozing nub…her dripping cherry center as the labia slowly opened.

Tsunade's breathing got heavier and heavier until the pleasure overcame her.

It's said that during a female orgasm, there's the stimulation of the clitoris, tension built up within the pelvis, series of contractions, the emission of a slight fluid from their urethra, the woman's facial expression becomes distorted as if she were in pain and the pelvic muscles and uterus go through very rhythmic contractions.

Like a volcano erupting or a rocket reaching its pinnacle and bursting in the sky, Tsunade's orgasm came with a shock. She found herself short of breath and her legs were jerking forward without her command.

While her right hand was still down her pants, Tsunade jerked her left hand away from her breasts and punched her desk in two. She'd made sure not to scream; just because she was the Hokage didn't mean she had to be seen with her hand down her pants.

Tsunade felt…drained, as if all of her chakra had suddenly left her body and was coming back slowly. She was sweating a good deal as she slumped against her chair…withdrawing her right hand from the realm of her pants that had a _very_ small stain on the front, almost like she'd had an accident.

As if on cue, the door opened and in stepped Shizune, who clearly had disposed of the shadow clone. She walked over closer to Tsunade and paid close attention to the wrecked desk. Tsunade sat in her chair adjusting her green robe as if nothing had happened.

Shizune raised an eyebrow.

"Tsunade-sama, pardon my harshness…but what the hell happened here?"

Tsunade stood on her feet and began walking towards the door.

"Take over for awhile, Shizune. I'm going out to go finger myself to a mind numbing orgasm and then have a long bottle of sake before I come back and give you a spanking for refusing to rub my feet two weeks ago."

Really, all Tsunade was going to do was walk around Konoha for awhile.

Shizune instinctively went into her apprentice mode.

"Yes, Tsunade-sama!"

As Tsunade left, the door shutting behind her, Shizune had some jounin come and dispose of the wrecked table while she made a mental note to leave a Kage Bunshin with Tsunade from now on.

_Then_ she realized what Tsunade had just said she was going to do.

The jounin removed the remains of the table as one of them stepped over Shizune's writhing and twitching form.

-------------------------------------------

Sex was not uncommon in Konoha, but prior to a few days ago, it was something that you didn't talk about in front of the kids, especially if they were part of a prestige clan.

As Neji walked through the aisles with a peculiar box in his hand and a peculiar bruise on his nose, he couldn't help but feel the stares of others watching the proclaimed Hyuuga walk down the aisle of a pharmacy with his eyes towards the ground.

"Say no more," the clerk behind the register said before Neji came within proximity of the counter. "From that look on your face, that box in your hand must be of condoms, am I right?"

To say that Neji blushed would be a bit farfetched; he downright started twiddling his thumbs like Hinata did as he placed the box on the counter. After giving the correct amount of money, Neji grabbed the box and ran out of the store.

"Wait!" The clerk yelled. "You forgot your change!"

"Keep it!" Neji called back. "It's on me!"

-------------------------------------------------

At the restaurant where Asuma's team would meet, Ino continued to pester with requests for activities similar to a game of Twister.

Ino threw her arms over Shikamaru's shoulders and brought his face close to her tongue. "Shikamaru, can you resist me?"

"I'm trying pretty hard to," Shikamaru muttered as he strained to bury his head in his hands.

Ino snorted. "If I was Sabaku no Temari, you'd have my dress off and would give it to me good."

"Yeah…a…at least," Chouji added.

Since Shikamaru was promoted to Chuunin, he had Temari on the brain and thought how he could've used Kagemane no Jutsu to make her take off her clothes so he could see that rack she was hiding.

"She was a meddlesome kunoichi if you ask me."

A jolt went through Shikamaru's body when Ino's hand began tracing its way up his right leg.

"I-I-Ino?"

She grabbed a firm hold of the jewels.

"Come on Shika-kun; do me like Asuma-sensei did Kurenai-sensei."

Shikamaru screamed, but he was too lazy to put any effort into screaming, so it was more of an "eep."

-----------------------------------

Sasuke was in his room, currently going over various "techniques" and "strategies" that he could copy with the Sharingan.

While the Uchiha was slowly turning himself into a master of sexual procedures and methods…

…outside his bedroom window, with a whip in her hand, Anko was waiting.

"This is gonna be so much fun," she chortled to herself before realizing she had forgotten to go to the bathroom before she left her home and now desperation had hit.

Now she had _two_ problems to worry about as she kept one hand on the whip, the other between her legs.

"…shit," Anko swore.

------------------------------------

Kage Bunshin- Though I'm sure most people know what this is, for those who only watch the dub, this pretty much translates to "Shadow Clone."


	12. Anko and the Horny Hyuugas

_Disclaimer:_ Of course I do not own the Naruto characters. They belong to Kishimoto Masashi and him only.

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**Anko and the Horny Hyuugas**

Despite having all of the night to himself, Sasuke had only gotten as far as the "piledriver" position and still had a few letters of the alphabet to go over before he became something he didn't think he'd become…a sexual master.

"Uchiha…Itachi," he whispered, "you may surpass me in a lot of areas…but this isn't one of them."

After all, as far as he knew, Akatsuki was all dudes, save for the one person with the blue hair and the flower, but he hadn't figured out their identity.

As Sasuke contemplated this, he heard a tap at his window. He stood up, tucking his shirt into his shorts so no one would notice the bulge. Once Anko felt his presence getting closer, she went on the offensive.

"**YOU FUCKING PERVERT!!!"**

_Shit_, Sasuke thought. He'd forgotten about the incident not that long ago in the kunoichi locker room where he unintentionally attacked Mitarashi Anko with Chidori, but hey, she grabbed his passion pole, and _no one_ grabbed Uchiha Sasuke's passion pole and got away with it!

Unless they were Mitarashi Anko.

The purple haired seductress, after a few minutes of struggling and trying not to have the bulge touch her, subdued the Uchiha and had him tied up in a special rope made of chakra.

Sasuke twisted and groaned as he tried to free himself from the ropes, but it was no use. Having watched a series of sexual videos and read a handful of manuals _with pictures_, Sasuke tried to convince Anko to let him out.

…when that didn't work, he wanted to see if she knew about any of the positions.

"Tell me," he began, getting the attention, who was still searching the home for a bathroom, "what do you think of an Uchiha pulling off a 'Crazy Criss Cross' on your fertile virgin garden with my-"

Before Sasuke could finish his sentence, Anko had kicked him in the face with her _brutal_ high heeled shoes. As the Uchiha's head rumbled from the extreme pain, he felt a hand grab him by the shirt as he found himself staring face to face with Anko.

"**WHERE'S YOUR BATHROOM? TELL ME NOW!!!"**

Sasuke's left eye began to twitch (not good for a ninja with a kekkai genkai that depends on the eyes) as he pointed in the _direction_ of the doorway, since he couldn't use his hands.

"Out that door and to the left; first door."

Anko ran off and Sasuke tried to grab the nearest thing he could to cover his hard-on: a pillow. Unfortunately, it was too far away and if any rabid Sasuke fan girls were around to hear the Uchiha utter the smallest of moans, they would've collapsed.

Meanwhile, Anko let her eyes wander around the bathroom as she sat on the toilet. Soon, her eyes narrowed on what _appeared_ to be a makeshift vagina.

"The…fuck?"

Anko leaned forward a bit and picked up the flimsy model of the female anatomy. Oh, yes, the Uchiha may have been heralded as a genius, but he needed to learn a thing or two about women before he attempted to penetrate one.

Empty, Anko left the restroom and saw the Uchiha still lying there. For no reason whatsoever, she went over and kicked him in the face yet again, this time getting a growl from him.

"Look here, you little pervert," she began, pulling out a kunai and licking the tip, "I haven't forgotten about what you did to me back in the kunoichi shower room and it's time you paid for your punishment."

Sasuke was a bit confused, but he didn't let any of it show on his face.

"And how am I going to do that?"

Smiling, Anko retreated to her jacket pocket and pulled out a whip. After giving it a good snap, she looked to the stunned Sasuke.

"You're gonna be my bitch for the night, how else?"

Anko grabbed the immobile Uchiha as she left through the window. All of the items which Sasuke had used to…_enhance_ himself still lay strewn about the room for anyone to see.

Sasuke groaned to himself. "Why couldn't we just settle this with a game of slap happy?"

"Oh, but we are," Anko replied, giving the Uchiha a menacing glare, "but we're gonna play it Mitarashi Anko style."

---------------------------------------

As opposed to off doing his research, Jiraiya was sitting atop the Hokage's office on this scenic night, trying to get the right scenario for what would be his next volume.

"And as the brassiere fell, the well rounded nipples were at the center of such luscious breasts. Her hand made its way-"

"**YOU BASTARD!!!"**

Jiraiya couldn't recognize the voice immediately, but from the tone, he figured it was Tsunade. However, the sage was surprised when he turned around and saw that the fist that had connected with his face wasn't Tsunade's, but that of Kakashi, who had Naruto under his shoulder.

The toad hermit went tumbling down the side of the tower, but was able to hold onto the ledge. Peering into the office, he was a bit shocked to see Shizune was still sprawled out on the floor with drool running down the side of her mouth. Before Jiraiya could lift himself back up, Kakashi did it for him.

"I take it you didn't like the issue or something?"

Kakashi snorted behind his mask. "The boy here says that you showed him 'out of character' chapter when all of the characters in _Icha Icha_ had the drunken satanic blood orgy."

"The one you wrote when you were intoxicated, remember that, Ero-sennin?" Naruto chuckled, earning a swift punch from Kakashi.

Jiraiya sheepishly scratched his head in bewilderment. "Kakashi, when you can pull off an Oiroke no Jutsu in an instant and on command, then we'll talk about getting secret issues."

Kakashi rapidly waved his arms up and down, unintentionally dropping Naruto. "The Oiroke no Jutsu? You wanna see me transform into a beautiful woman?!" He then turned to address Naruto. "WHO WANTS TO SEE HATAKE KAKASHI TRANSFORM INTO A WOMAN?!"

Kakashi's outburst was enough to wake up the Kyuubi itself and it even stirred Shizune out of her slumber.

"I DO!!"

"SHUT UP, GAI!!" Kakashi yelled to the night. "NO ONE'S TALKING TO YOU!!"

"_Eww_" was the thought that went through Jiraiya and Naruto's minds at the thought of Gai wanting to see Kakashi naked, but they assumed it had to do with their long rivalry.

_Assumed_.

"Look, Kakashi," Jiraiya said as he began thumbing through a crumpled up scroll and getting out a book, "here's the raw edition that I never showed Naruto. Go home, enjoy it, and let us never speak of that issue in public ever again."

Kakashi absentmindedly flipped through the pages. "Why wouldn't we…oh…all right, J, if Tsunade saw this, she'd kill you."

The sage smirked as he took out a pipe and went back to sketching the environment for a steamy scene. Kakashi and Naruto took this as their cues to leave, which they did.

---------------------------------

Hinata is drunk.

Hinata is horny.

Hinata is drunk _and_ horny.

All right, so since meeting with her team to talk to her sensei, Hinata had a one on one conversation with Kurenai about how to make Naruto hers…for the time being, at least. All it required was getting into his home before him, and if there was one thing Naruto _didn't_ do half of the time, it was close his windows.

Now, hanging from the ceiling by focusing the chakra to her feet, Hinata was not only drunk and horny, she was _bored as hell_.

"When's Naruto-kun going to get here?" She muttered to herself before she took out a bottle of sake. _Not_ toso, the stuff that the younger ones are supposed to drink, but a full bottle of sake given to her by her sensei.

_Sake_, not toso, the stuff that the younger ones _should_ be drinking.

She began guzzling it down without taking time to stop.

Except for when she said this.

"Naruto-kuuuuun, you're gonna be _MINE_ tonight."

Suddenly, Hinata heard a click and slowly, the door opened and she saw the blonde hair and the orange jumpsuit.

---------------------------------------

Of course, we can't forget all about Konoha's more…secretive couple: Neji and Tenten!

"OI, NEJI-ITOKO!!"

Neji was looking forward to figuring to using this contraption with Tenten, but if Hanabi was sure of one thing, it was that she'd delay that as long as she could. He came to a halt and turned to face his ever curious cousin.

"Neji, what are you and Tenten onee-chan gonna do now? It's almost time for bed and you know how cranky Otou-sama would get if he heard a noise."

Walking over to his sibling, Neji got on one knee and whispered so no one would hear him.

"Listen up, Hanabi, I don't want anyone coming into my room for the remainder of the night; not you, not Hinata, not Hiashi, not _anyone_!"

Hanabi listened attentively, but she crossed her shoulders when she realized something could come out of this for her benefit.

"And what do I get out of this?"

Tenten poked her head from Neji's room…_only_ her head, as she was probably naked behind the door.

"I'll tell you what you won't get: a kunai to the neck if you refuse."

Neji didn't have to be a genius to know that Tenten was stark naked behind that door, fully dressed in her birthday suit.

"Hanabi, if you leave us alone, I won't tell Hinata about the time you were throwing shuriken and kunai at a cardboard copy of Naruto after he beat me in the Chuunin Exam."

Wait for it.

"Deal."

As opposed to shaking hands, they just gave each other the nod and went off their separate ways. Stepping into his room, Neji was immediately trapped in a bear hug by the luscious Tenten. Dear God, he could feel her breasts pressing against his shirt.

"Neji-kun, rather than make a sexual joke about what I'm feeling in your shorts, did you get the protection?"

Neji took out the condom and they both stared at it…mesmerized at its awe. Then, the hornier of the two realized something.

"How the hell do you put this on?"

_Baka_, Tenten thought to herself. Neji was as good at sex as Naruto was at…well…everything else except fighting.

Tenten snatched the rubber, removed it from its holder, and stared at the ever growing bulge in the Neji's shorts.

"Sugoi, Neji-san," she whispered, "look at your stiff woody."

"Tenten?"

"Your tallest steeple in the chapel of love."

No response.

"Your boner the barbarian."

"_Tenten_?"

"Your monty tall."

Neji began to get just a _wee_ bit nervous as the excited kunoichi began pulling at his zipper.

"Your _pixie stick_ of perverted enjoyment."

"Are you hearing me, Tenten?"

The zipper was down.

"Your leaning tower of penis."

"**TENTEN!!!"**

Any and all sexual thoughts instantly vanished from Tenten's mind as she came back to reality and saw that she was standing before Hyuuga Neji with both of her hands caressing his pride and joy…and she was _blushing_.

"Tenten…you're scaring me," he said sheepishly, then paid attention to the _agonizing_ pain his member was in, "AND YOU'RE HURTING ME!! LET GO!!"

"Demo, Neji-san, we _must_ have sexual intercourse!"

"Damn it, Tenten, can't we just make out like normal people do?!"

"THIS ISN'T NORMAL, HYUUGA! IT'S A DAMN FAN FICTION! THE LAWS OF THE REAL WORLD DON'T APPLY!!"

By this time, Tenten was squeezing Neji for her dear life and wasn't going to stop now. Every word she increased the pressure by…a lot. Neji wasn't sure how he'd faint first: from Tenten screaming full blast in his face or from the pressure she was putting on _him_.

"But, if you want to, we can just make out madly like rabbits in a…rabbit hole."

Since Neji didn't respond, Tenten continued.

"How could I have been so foolish, Neji-san? It's just that I've heard a bit more about…sexual things from other kunoichi while in the shower room and that-"

Tenten was cut off when Neji stepped forward and sniffed her breath.

"You've been drinking more toso, as well."

She laughed timidly, rubbing the back of her hair. "Well, Hanabi did do me the pleasure, the real pleasure, the awesome so-satisfying never want to take back pleasure…"

_Come on, kunoichi lesbian rub, grope, and feel up on each other orgy_, Neji thought to himself as he crossed his fingers and closed his eyes.

"…of showing me where the refrigerator was," Tenten sighed heavenly.

Meanwhile, a metaphorical dark cloud had formed over Neji's head.

Tenten leaned in closer and stroked Neji's hair. "Now, as per my suggestion, what say we stop the talking and get straight to the lip locking?"

We'll come back to Neji and Tenten later.

---------------------------------------

Naruto walked into his home whistling a familiar tune. He'd pissed off Kakashi-sensei, something that didn't happen too often, so he was feeling pretty pleased with himself. Before he could turn on his light, however, he immediately stepped back in order to avoid a bottle of sake connecting with his head.

Hinata landed on the carpet and walked towards Naruto. Well, sort of. She was downing yet another bottle of sake and this altered her movement for the worst. When she couldn't stagger over to Naruto, she tried stopping in place. After a few seconds or so, she mastered the technique of standing up while intoxicated.

"Naruto-**fucking**-**KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!**" The Hyuuga slurred as she stared at her sake bottle for a few seconds before finishing it off. "I've got a few choice words for hiccup you, like…like…like 'You' and… 'Me' … and 'FUCK ME DRY!!'"

Oh, Hinata's face was red, all right, but not from embarrassment. Let's just say that if she were to take a sobriety test tonight, she would not pass. It was hard to tell whether she was blushing from bashfulness or from being just plain sloshed. Either way, it wasn't like Naruto could tell.

"Um, Hinata-chan, you're blushing even more than usual _and_ it looks like some of Shino's bugs bit you on your chest."

Yes, Hyuuga Hinata's nipples were becoming stiff and erect, but to Naruto, he thought that her chest had been bitten.

"Don't mind me, Naruto-**fucking**-kun," she assured him, dropping that 'F' bomb again, "please lay down with me before I get lonely."

Naruto's expression changed for the better. _So_, he thought, _Hinata-chan_ _is lonely. Don't worry, I'll make it so there's more of us._

And with that, he made an all too familiar seal. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Several clones of Naruto materialized, all of them surrounding Hinata. If guys had nosebleeds around women when they were excited…well, I don't want to guess what will happen to women. Nonetheless, Hinata didn't faint; the alcohol was keeping on her feet as she took out each of the clones one by one until only the original remained. When Hinata had a clear view of him, she began removing her jacket.

A light bulb went off in the Kyuubi brat's head. _I saw this in one of those Icha Icha scenes that Ero-sennin told me about. The guy and woman do the bad thing and the guy makes sure that she gets it good. Well, guess it's my turn._

Naruto began advancing towards the tipsy Hyuuga and lifted his right hand. He slowly began tracing it up her shirt until he hit the bra. When his index finger got inside of that, Hinata decided enough was enough. If drinking sake would let her face her fears with a clear (sort of) conscience and allow her to think straight (also sort of), then damn it, she'd have her Naruto-fucking-kun in no time. She lifted him up with all of her strength and threw him onto her bed.

Then, after removing her sandals and placing them in the corner ever so neatly (face it, Hinata's always gonna be a good girl at heart), she sprang into action and jumped into the bed.

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Meanwhile, Uchiha Sasuke slowly awoke from his slumber. He weakly opened his eyes and surveyed his surroundings. Something was wrong: he was upside down, his arms and legs were being restrained, and the normal flow of his chakra was _way_ off. When Sasuke fully opened his eyes and sprung to life, his breathing quickened and he began trying to channeling chakra to various portions of his body so he could break free, but a cold, baleful voice told him that such actions would be costly.

"Nice to see that you're finally awake, Sasuke-_kun_," Anko slithered as she walked into view. "After all, I wouldn't want you to miss out on all of the fun we're going to have."

Dear God, that _tongue_ of hers always freaked him out. Back when it had been shown to Naruto during the second part of the Chuunin Exam, it wasn't so bad because the Uchiha wasn't being victimized, but _this_ time he had reason to worry. Adding to that was the fact that Mitarashi Anko was dressed in leather, not too tight, but just comfortable to show the upper portions of her breasts and rump.

Sasuke groaned slightly as the Sharingan sprung to life in his eyes, but that didn't faze the enticing Anko, especially when Sasuke noticed the strange whip she had in her hands and was clenching tightly.

"Sasuke-kun," she purred as she licked the end of her kunai, "I want _you_." She emphasized that last word by pointing the weapon at him.

But the Uchiha snorted. "Orochimaru said the same thing, but you don't see him binding me upside down and-" He looked down to see that, "WHY AM I ONLY IN MY BOXERS AND WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?!"

Anko suppressed her laughter as she stepped forward and began tracing her finger up the Uchiha's shirtless chest. "Now, now, Sasuke-kun, you used to be so calm, cold, and obedient. Not to mention you had one hell of a physique. I think that you've gotten a bit soft in the past few weeks."

This was just a way to bug Sasuke.

And it worked.

The Uchiha began struggling even harder, but he stopped when he felt a stinging pain on his chest. Anko sighed as the whip came back to her side.

"Now if you're going to act like an ass, then I'm gonna have to get rough. And when I get rough, I get horny. And when I get horny…I get thirsty for sake."

Reaching into her pocket (how the hell do you fit a sake bottle into leather pants pockets); Anko pulled out a bottle of sake and downed the entire thing in a matter of seconds. She then threw it at the wall where it shattered, bits of the remaining liquid splashing over Sasuke's face.

"Well then," she began as she cracked the whip, "shall we begin?"

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Itoko- Cousin  
Otou-sama- Referring to the father in a very respectful manner.


	13. Naruto and Hinata: Sex Isn't Easy

**Phazon:** All right, I'm thinking some of you were expecting a lemon between the Uzumaki and the Hyuuga, but I want to say that for the record, even though Konoha is under the influence of a powerful aphrodisiac, Naruto and Hinata _are_ only genin and aren't as daring as say, Neji and Tenten. Heck, Naruto and Hinata are virgins and despite what they know already, the process and subtleties of human sexuality would still be new and confusing to them. As such…let me stop rambling and let you just read the damn thing.

Oh, and I made the mistake last chapter of having Hanabi say that Hiashi was her uncle; he's Hinata and Hanabi's father, so sorry if I threw off anyone there.

_Disclaimer:_ Of course I do not own the Naruto characters. They belong to Kishimoto Masashi and him only. All I own is this fan fiction, and that's it, so don't sue!

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**Naruto and Hinata: Sex Ain't Easy**

Let's get something straight right off the bat: when you're in you pre teens, sex isn't exactly how it's made to seem from the movies, television, and the books. More than that, if you weren't sexually active and you didn't know how to go about the…process, you were in a world of trouble.

However, when you live in a village that has overdosed in sake and toso laced with a powerful aphrodisiac that'll make you do things _way_ out of your normal persona, well, then we can actually make some progress.

"You know, Hinata, you've gotta hold _still_ if you want this to work right."

Naruto had trained under the tutelage of his Ero-sennin, the famed writer of _Icha Icha_, while Hinata…well, Hinata had a long talk with her sensei who was now known by all as Lassie for her screaming throughout intercourse. As a result, they had to have _some_ sexual knowledge.

"Demo, Naruto-**fucking**-kun-"

Naruto sighed as he struggled to get Hinata's pants off; he wasn't particularly fond of the normally quiet Hyuuga dropping the F bomb every time she said his name when they hadn't done anything yet.

"Hinata, it wouldn't hurt to stop with the swearing, and _stop looking at me_ when I'm getting your clothes off." It was silent for a few seconds, but that didn't last. "All right, I need you to lift up and spread your legs."

A devilish smile made its way across her face. "With the _utmost_ pleasure, Naruto-fucking-kun."

He sighed again as he brought Hinata's pants down her legs. He didn't want to make the mistake of getting her panties down already, so he had to get the pants slowly. After a few seconds of calming down a horny Hinata, Naruto got her pants off, but the Hyuuga's foot got caught in one of the ends, slowing the whole thing down by another two seconds.

"Erm…Hinata, pull back a little bit so I can get it out."

She blushed, taking that sentence in the wrong way. "Why, Naruto-kun, isn't it the job of the female to say that to the male?"

Well, she had a point _and_ she hadn't dropped the F bomb again. Nonetheless, she wiggled and wormed her foot out of the pant leg and Naruto casually tossed the pants off in some random direction. Unfortunately, said random direction happened to be where his lamp was sitting, but Naruto was sure Hinata's pants weren't flammable.

For a few long seconds…all Naruto and Hinata did was stare at each other. This wasn't a staring contest or a test of wills, and the most that Naruto did in that time span was remove his jacket.

Naruto sheepishly placed his head on the back of his head. "So…now what?"

"Naruto-kun, you trained under Jiraiya-sensei and you don't have a clue what to do?"

"That was _fiction_, Hinata. You don't just pop up on day and suddenly you're an expert on sex and can go through all of the moves, positions, and techniques in the course of a night. What the hell do you think this is, a fan fiction?"

"Yes," she responded as she pointed towards us…the audience.

"Oh, what the hell," Naruto figured as he dived forward in an attempt to kiss Hinata on the lips. She mirrored the move and she instead came face first with his chest, he only ended up kissing the air.

Naruto rubbed Hinata's back ever so gently. "_This would be a lot better if I had landed in **her** chest_," he thought to himself.

Hinata retracted her face and when she moved her face forward this time, her lips met Naruto's. Taking a bit of initiative and throwing some moves that she'd seen Tenten do, Hinata began moving her tongue up and down, side to side, diagonally through Naruto's mouth. He tried to copy the move and as opposed to this being something magical or even remotely exciting, they ended up biting each other's tongues.

Instinctively, Naruto tried pulling back, but Hinata only pulled him in closer to her so she'd be able to keep that feeling of his mouth on hers. She put her hand on the back of Naruto's head and forced them down onto his bed.

Hinata kept moving her tongue around and, for whatever reason, began thrusting her hips up and down like she was on a horse. There was no horse and Hinata was not a G-string diva.

When Naruto finally pulled free, he began wiping his tongue with his tee shirt because Hinata's breath _reeked _of sake.

"Oi, Hinata-chan, how many bottles did you drink?"

"Only three, Naruto-kun, but trust me; I'll be more than happy to have you fill me with something different." After slowly removing her jacket, she sat on her knees and turned her back so she wasn't facing Naruto. "Undo the bra for me, please?"

_Now_ we have another problem.

Naruto looked at the brassiere and began fiddling with the clasp and doodads, but the more he fiddled around with it, the more Hinata began moving around. Then, it happened…

"Um, Hinata, I'm stuck."

"Don't worry, Naruto-kun," she replied as she waved her hand, "you can clean it off with some tissues and just put on a clean pair of boxers when you've picked all of the tissue off of the tip of it."

Though Hinata couldn't tell since her back was turned, Naruto's face was as bright as hers normally would be.

"I don't mean THAT, Hinata!" He spluttered as he waved his arms up and down. "I meant my finger is stuck in your bra strap and it's not coming loose."

"Well…that _could_ be bad, but you're strong enough to get it out. Knowing you, Naruto-kun should be able to get out of anything."

Sure, Naruto could have gotten out of this with relative ease, but if he were to do _anything_ in the course of this…session with Hinata that pertained to going fast, others would assume he did everything else fast, meaning that he just wanted a quick bang and to be done with it.

Either way, Naruto began pulling on the bra strap with all of his might, while Hinata got on all fours and tried to help out by thrusting her ass up and down.

"You know, Hinata," Naruto pointed out as he continued to struggle, "this would look very homosexual if you sprouted one between your legs and grew a deeper voice."

Perish the thought.

About several long minutes into the process, Hinata grunted as she felt her breasts groaning from the pressure put on them by the bra being pulled so far back. Sooner or later, it would either come off through sheer force or the two would end up flying into each other.

Naruto got a rude interruption when Hinata thrust her ass a bit _too_ far up and found that his face made direct contact with her cheeks. He was sent flying across the room, but he finally had a firm grip on the bra. When he was launched and shot afar, so was the bra.

She turned around, keeping her bosom covered for the moment. When Naruto was still dazed on the ground, she took the opportunity to quickly down another bottle of sake and stuff it inside her jacket pocket. Wiping a bit of sake off of her mouth, Hinata let her hands drop to her side.

Naruto, on the other hand, removed his pants since he was already on the floor. He wasn't exactly turned on or horny at the moment since nothing erotic or fascinating had happened yet. Sure, Hinata was naked save for her panties and it was nice for him to see that she had an ample rack, but what good would that do? He wasn't like the main character in _Icha Icha_ and he certainly wasn't the Fonz.

He _was_ Uzumaki Naruto, however. That had to have _some_ merit.

"This is a bit awkward, Hinata," he said as he cautiously stepped forward, "I've never seen a female's breasts before…at least, unless you count the women in _Icha Icha Paradise_."

"I don't."

"Then no, I've never seen a female's breasts before."

He kind of didn't want to look; Naruto may have had a lot of problems and he _did_ spend a large portion of his time as a genin swooning over Sakura, but she was dead set on Sasuke. Sure, Hinata was on his bed and naked save for her panties, but there just wasn't anything to get excited about.

Hinata must have noticed this, as she walked over and grabbed Naruto _hard_ on the behind. She then took him over to his bed and laid him out on his back. Then, she got on top of him and rested her knees on his legs, staring at him seductively.

"Um…how does this work again?" She asked.

"I saw this in _Icha Icha_," Naruto told her, "but I don't think it works in real life. If I could just-"

Naruto attempted to climb off of Hinata, but the string of his boxers was trapped between one of her toes. She began pulling harder, tightening the boxers and increasing the pain in his crotch.

This wasn't exactly what Hinata thought sex for the first time would be like.

The strap never came from between Hinata's toes; she ended up pulling it so hard that all of the string came flying out of Naruto's boxers. Eventually, the boxers simply came down and Uzumaki Naruto found himself naked as the day he was born…right before the eyes of Hinata.

Instinctively, Naruto grabbed a pillow and covered his exposed manhood. "I think that Ero-sennin has had a lot of experience if all of his characters do _this_, "he pointed to himself and Hinata, "every day."

The Hyuuga herself wasn't advancing, however. That small glimpse of Naruto's manhood was enough to bring her back to reality and realize that the two of them had absolutely no idea what they were going to get themselves into.

"Is that," she leaned in closer and easily grabbed the pillow, "what it really looks like, Naruto-kun?"

Naruto slowly nodded as Hinata looked to her left, then right, then back to Naruto. She reached out without looking and tried touching the jewels. When she grabbed something fleshy and soft, Naruto quickly retracted to the far side of his bed and let out a yelp.

"HINATA-CHAN, not with the touchy-touchy," He exclaimed as he made sure to check that he hadn't contracted anything from _a girl simply touching him in the jewels_.

"What if we just tried kissing?" Hinata suggested.

All right, so which of the two would pucker up first?

Naruto leaned in ever so slightly and Hinata mirrored the motion. Their lips actually connected this time and they weren't swirling their tongues around. They _had_ kept their eyes open, however.

After about fifteen seconds of having their lips pressed together, the two separated. Naruto remained looking at the Hyuuga, and she to him.

"Are we supposed to close our eyes?" She asked.

Naruto's response was a nod, but Hinata saw the confusion in his face. "But if we do that, we won't be able to tell what we're doing with our hands. We can't just chalk that up to instinct, Hinata," he said.

"Maybe…if we went with one eye open, it won't look as bad," she suggested.

Or you two won't look as stupid.

Their lips connected once again, and they were both sure to keep one eye open so they would be able to watch each other's movements. Naruto made the first move as his hand began digging around _forcefully_ in the Hyuuga's panties. This, in turn, caused Hinata to pull back and blush instantly.

"Naruto-kun, what _are_ you doing?!"

He's grinning and laughing now. "Sorry, Hinata, but I owed myself a free feel since you got to feel mine."

"I only went for the goody bag," she chuckled.

"Did you make that up yourself?" He asked her.

"Nope; I heard Tenten saying she was going to grab Neji-san by it whenever he got back."

Naruto let out a loud wolf-whistle. "The buns kunoichi and the Hyuuga prodigy…an item? ARE YOU CRAZY?! THEY WOULD NEVER WORK OUT!"

"That's what I thought," she replied, shrugging, "but that was until she helped him take off his shoe."

"They got sexual pleasure out of removing something that belongs on a foot?"

"Don't look at me, Naruto-kun," she said as she moved in closer and began removing his t-shirt, "but let _me_ look at you."

Hinata's tongue slowly protruded from her mouth and began moving up and down Naruto's built chest. While Hinata wasn't exactly expecting a _fresh_ or even tolerable taste, she wasn't pleased when she found that Naruto's chest tasted suspiciously like he'd been wrapped around a kunoichi's ass in the hypothetical situation that he transformed into a towel.

Now Naruto was beginning to 'rise up,' and he didn't have a pillow to keep it concealed this time. While he enjoyed Hinata on his body, her licking him wasn't exactly high on his list of priorities this night.

"Hinata, what…the hell?"

"I'm most certainly trying to taste your chest, Naruto-kun," she slurred slightly before giving him that weird smile of hers.

"Well, could you not? You know I spent some time awhile ago transformed…well, let's just say that there are some kunoichi I prefer not to be around anymore."

"The fatty?"

"The same."

So, at last, Hinata pulled back.

And there they were: Uzumaki Naruto and Hyuuga Hinata, both stark naked and lying on the fox boy's bed. Clearly, sex was not going to happen and the idea of a smashed Hinata was out the window.

"I don't like using Shikamaru's word a lot," Naruto finally spoke, "but something like _this_ would be defined as troublesome."

"I suppose…" Hinata trailed off, slightly rubbing her shoulders.

Naruto sighed and looked at his clock. It was about one o'clock and they had plenty of time to make up for what could have been a steamy night full of sexual goodness.

Seeing as they were still naked and the night was still young, Naruto and Hinata did what any rational thinking person would have done.

"You wanna stay up and just watch television until the morning?" Naruto asked as he picked up the remote.

Hinata slightly turned her head in his direction so she was looking directly at him.

"Yes…yes I would."

So the two quickly settled under the covers and got ready to drain whatever brain cells they had left by watching television.

"Um…Naruto-kun, is that a flashlight under the covers?" She pointed to his midsection.

He grinned. "Nope."

"Good to hear that, Naruto-kun," she leaned in closer and laid her head on his bare chest, "good to hear it.

Now, the only radiant glow that was in Naruto's room was coming from the television.

You see that, kids? TV, not sex, always brings people together.

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**Phazon:** And on that note, we end another night in a sexed up Konoha. All of those who were expecting a Naruto/Hinata full fledged lemon will have to look elsewhere. I'm hoping, however, that I didn't make this too boring for readers since it only focused on two characters.

Anyway, we'll have to wait and see what happens…tomorrow morning.

Until then, later.


	14. Precautions

**Phazon:** Welcome back and I hope you enjoyed the last chapter. I won't apologize for those who think I took too long because I've other pressing matters besides fan fiction, but I'm hoping you can enjoy this one. I haven't really done a lot of things involving Team 10: Asuma's squad, so they're getting a bit of the spotlight today.

Shippuden is finally starting and a new chapter recently came out. What else is new?

And, for the last time, for those who just don't seem to understand it, there will be NO yaoi or yuri in this fan fiction WHATSOEVER! I honestly don't see how long it takes to comprehend that, but if you want to read something like that, go search for it, but don't complain and whine to me, because it'll do you no good. There may be jokes or hints, but no involvement of it that is concrete to the plot of the fan fiction…if you still consider that there is one.

Let's get started, shall we?

_Disclaimer:_ Of course I do not own the Naruto characters. They belong to Kishimoto Masashi and him only. All I own is this fan fiction, and that's it, so don't sue!

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**Precautions**

Ino woke up and felt an abominable pain on her stomach. Vomit? No, the girl couldn't remember eating before she went to bed. Bathroom? No, her motto was 'when you leave the table, hurry and lay your cable.' A baby? No, perish the thought of having something growing inside of her. So what the hell was it already?

Unaware of how she got back in her home and into bed, Ino kicked back the covers and was aghast at the sight of Shikamaru dead asleep on her belly…and he was _drooling_.

Ino did what anyone else would have done while under the influence of a powerful aphrodisiac: she kicked Shikamaru off of her and sent him sailing into a wall.

The shadow shinobi hit the wall with a 'clump' and was instantly awakened when he registered the throbbing pain in the back of his head.

"Ino, what the heck are you kicking me for first thing in the morning?"

She's now standing on top of her bed despite not having any lower garments on, her bare bush exposed.

"YOU DON'T LIVE HERE!!" She bellowed. "SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

A third voice entered the conversation. "Would you guys keep it down? I'm trying to figure out which pair of panties I'm taking with me."

The two turned their heads to the image of Chouji thumbing through Ino's drawers of seductive lingerie, and actually sniffing the garments.

"Say, Ino," he called as he turned to face her, "how come there's a red dot on almost all of these panties?"

Ino's left eye began to twitch. "Chouji…Shikamaru…how did you two get here and how'd _I_ get here, for that matter?"

Chouji stood on his feet, stuffing three pairs of panties in the process. "I dunno. All I remember is that Asuma-sensei force fed each of us some domburi with this weird sauce on it and said that if we survived, we were true masters of the sexual shinobi life."

"Domu-what?" Ino asked, a figurative question mark above her head.

"A bowl of rice with a bunch of other food on it, like beef or eggs."

"Oh…so what happened to Sensei?"

"You know he probably went off to go score with Lassie." Shikamaru muttered. "Besides, what was the weird sauce on it, Chouji?"

Chouji shrugged. "You got me, but all I know is that after my third bowl, I got a big one…bigger than any one I've ever had."

Ino let out an over exasperated as she flopped onto her bed, staring at her very dry feet. Sure, she enjoyed spending time with her team, but _never_ like this.

"You're naked from the waist down," Shikamaru pointed out.

Captain Obvious.

After a tense moment of silence, Shikamaru got up and walked over to Ino's bed. The blonde kunoichi could only blink as Shikamaru, nervously and raunchy at the same time, lifted up her shirt and began tracing a finger over her flower between her legs.

Her eyebrow furred and she clenched her feet. "Shikamaru, what the he-"

"SHUSH!" He yelled before going back into his calm demeanor. "You're spoiling the moment for both of us…and Chouji, if he wants to get involved."

Chouji's ears perked up and the blue bra that had been in his mouth the entire time instantly fell out. "You mean it?" He asked like a kid on the morning of a snow day. "We're gonna have a three-way!"

"I _said_, 'if he wants to get involved,'" Shikamaru repeated, slightly annoyed.

"SWEET!!" Chouji exclaimed as he rushed over to where Ino was and lifted up her shirt.

"Um…wouldn't this classify as rape, you guys?" Ino inquired as she felt herself being restrained by Chouji.

Shikamaru took out and slipped on a pair of rubber gloves. "We prefer the term 'domination.' Now spread your ass cheeks so I can see how deep the rabbit hole really goes!" He paused for a moment. "What the heck caused me to say that?"

"Does it matter?!" Chouji exclaimed as he tried to keep Ino down.

"Nope."

The color drained from Ino's face when she realized where that finger would be going. Luckily and thankfully, in Ino's case, there was a tap at the window; it was Asuma.

"You know, if you guys were going to have a three way romp, I could've given you some pointers. Now rise and shine! It's time to see how horny that 'special stuff' can get you!"

With that, Asuma happily pulled back the blinds and revealed to the three shinobi the gorgeous, yet blazing sun. Their pupils expanded widely: Ino backed up and tried covering her eyes, but instead fell off of her bed, Chouji shielded his eyes with his forehead protector, and Shikamaru walked used the gloves to cover his eye.

Well, one glove. His other gloved hand was steadily caressing what he hoped was Ino's ass since she had fallen off of the bed.

Asuma noticed the change in attitude of his normally lazy student. "Erm, Shikamaru, I never knew you were so forward. What's with the gloves?"

Before Shikamaru could answer, his sensei placed a hand over his mouth.

"Never mind, I'd rather not hear about your yearning to…wait, is that even a certified rectal glove?"

Chouji unshielded his eyes and squinted at the relative luminosity radiating from the sun and into the room. "There's a certified glove for that kind of stuff?"

Asuma took a seat on Ino's bed and beckoned his entire crew to join him. Ino did so, eventually, when the ass wasn't being caressed…much to Shikamaru's disappointment.

"It's basically a glove device used in medical procedures with lubricants in order to ensure smooth entryway into the…well…Ino."

The blonde blinked. "Me?"

"Well, you're the only one naked from the waist down, so I can only use your name."

"You're saying you had to use my name because I'm the only one with my bare butt exposed?"

"In a word, yes."

After a few seconds of an intense staring contest between the two, Asuma stood to his feet. "Well, come on, then, you guys. This day isn't gonna waste itself."

"Asuma-sensei," Chouji called as he stepped forward, "if you're here, where's Kurenai-sensei?"

Asuma gave his team that grin that told them something was up, and it wasn't what was in his pants.

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In her home, Kurenai was getting her breath back as she staggered back and forth throughout the sound proof room Asuma had prepared.

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While Hiashi was off with important matters, Hanabi crept silently across the floor, being careful not to step on any strange looking floorboards as not to make much sound. She licked her lips with swelling anticipation as she fell on all fours and slowly crawled over to the wall that separated the living room from Neji's room.

When Hanabi arrived at the wall, she peeped through a carefully constructed hole that had been whittled with one of Hinata's kunai. From her perspective, she could see slight rustling under the covers of Neji's huge bed. She squealed cheekily when she heard the unmistakable voice of a female slowly moan Neji's name.

_In_ Neji's room, Tenten lay sprawled out under the covers. As expected, she and Neji's lustful thoughts were a bit over exaggerated and they hadn't gotten past extreme fondling and making out. Still, that didn't explain why the two were naked.

"You know Tenten, Shippuden is finally airing," Neji mumbled from beneath the covers as his left hand cuddled Tenten's breasts.

The buns and weapons kunoichi nodded. "Yep…it sure is. Maybe that means I'll finally get some air time."

"And you won't punch Lee out any more just because you weren't invited on that last mission with Gaara." Neji stopped when he remembered something important. "Um…Tenten, who exactly _is_ this Kotarou, anyway?"

Tenten felt the slightest twinge of excitement for two reasons: Neji had actually pinched her nipple _and_ he was showing signs of jealously.

"He's just some character the guys at the anime team made up so they could justify me being left out."

_Good_, Neji thought as he began moving forward towards the pillow. Tired of being deprived of clean oxygen long enough, the Hyuuga prodigy emerged from the sheets and sighed quietly as he lay his head on the pillow.

_FUCK HER!_

"Neji-san, do you think that we should go out eventually? I mean, we haven't been out in who knows when."

"You're talking," he muttered, a hand running through her hair, "ever since that night at the restaurant and back, all I've gone out for is getting a condom that we didn't use." His eyes narrowed over to the strange device that had been thrown onto the floor. "More than that, when we were…locked by the lips…your breath reeked of sake. I don't know how much you drank, but promise me you won't overdo it next time."

-

-

-

-

-

-

"Tenten, are you listening to me?"

Her head shot up. "Hmm? Sorry, I thought I saw something move in the wall."

"That's just Hanabi spying on us, but…Tenten," Neji's voice took on that confident, demanding tone it normally had, "I'd like you to go out with me tonight. There's something I've wanted to say to you and I can only do it formally."

"Can't you do it now?"

"I said _formal_, and naked isn't exactly the best way to go."

Tenten weighted her options: she could either remain in bed all day with Neji, which wasn't plausible, get out and possibly stalk the male shinobi to see what they hid underneath their clothes, or stay here by herself and do nothing except what normal people do when they're by themselves and horny.

"Fine, you're on, but there better be something romantic about this date, Hyuuga Neji."

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And then there was Inuzuka Kiba, who had taken in some more toso last night and now found it impossible to stop howling at the top of his lungs and speak of doing things to females that dogs do to other dogs.

"KIBA!" Hana called from downstairs. "STOP ACTING LIKE YOU WANT TO FUCK A GODDESS AND COME DOWN FOR BREAKFAST!!!"

Immediately, Kiba regressed to his normal form. Though he didn't fear his sister that much, she _was_ a lot stronger than he was and she wouldn't hesitate to kick his ass.

"Sheesh," he groaned to Akamaru as he began walking out of his room and towards the staircase, "can't a guy yell sexual obscenities and pleasurable thoughts to the sky without someone getting angry?"

Akamaru only yelped in response, which Kiba believed was a 'yes.'

"Say, Akamaru, do you think girls find me attractive? I mean, they'd have to think pretty low of me since I lost to Naruto during the exams."

…Continue.

"But I've got a dog, and girls love that type of stuff…unless…Akamaru, maybe if I dress you up like a bitch, the females will want me."

In a flash, Kiba felt something hard and heavy, preferably a frying pan, connect with his head and cause an immense amount of pain to jolt throughout his body. He hit the floor immediately and felt bad for his chin, which was the first thing to connect.

However, lying on the floor didn't last long, for Hana grabbed Kiba by his hair and brought him up to eye level.

"Look here, dumbass," she snarled as she gave him a few more minor whacks with the frying pan, "don't go around using that word for any circumstance or I'll castrate you."

Kiba's form didn't falter. "But it's the proper term!"

And if there's anyone who knew everything that needed to be known about dogs, it was the Inuzuka clan. Nonetheless…

"I don't want to hear you say it, and that's it," Hana continued as she waved the frying pan mockingly in her brother's face.

"MOM!" Kiba groaned.

Over tending to the other dogs, Inuzuka Tsume turned around and scoffed at the show of violence between her offspring. _She_, unlike most kunoichi, hadn't been taken under the effect of the aphrodisiac, meaning that if Kiba had the smallest sexual interest in her interest…well, he wouldn't be so happy later on.

"Don't use the word, Kiba," she said quietly as Kiba snapped to attention. Tsume was cold…ice cold and hard to get along with, and if you were a member of her family, you had even more problems. Despite this, she still cared for her family.

"Kiba," she continued, "I know all about your wild little night at the ramen shop and you running out screaming that you were naked."

"But I WAS nak-"

A sharp blow across the neck from the frying pan was enough to silence Kiba again as his mother continued.

"As I was saying, if I ever find out that you have a female in this house…I'll castrate you myself."

The Inuzuka clan is very fond of castration, isn't it?

"But mom," Kiba protested, "isn't it my privilege as an Inuzuka to show off the best of what our family has to offer.

The Inuzuka clan was well known for having hair…_lots_ of excess hair…in places even where it _wasn't_ needed.

"Yes, yes," Tsume agreed, "I myself have gotten many a looker because of my thick bush that one time when I was a chuunin…I was out with this man who had just become a jounin and he said he…" Tsume's eyes wandered over to her son, who was furiously scribbling, "KIBA, ARE YOU TAKING NOTES OF MY LOVE LIFE?!"

"NO!" He yelled as he tossed the paper to Akamaru, who promptly devoured it. "Trust me, the last thing I want to hear is about my family's sexual encounters.

Hana stepped up. "When I got my first pubic hair--"

Kiba bolted, and Akamaru followed.

------------------------------------

"BITCH!!"

"SHUT UP, YOU'RE _MINE_ NOW!!"

Uchiha Sasuke did not get whippings, lashings, spankings, or any sort of disciplinary instruction before, at least, not to this extremity. Basically, Anko had him strung up by his hands and was proceeding to hit him hard with what he assumed was a whip.

He assumed correctly, but Anko was fortunate enough to only give him five lashes. The rest of the night had been spent with her chasing him around and trying to viciously attack him with sexual items. Thanks to his Sharingan, Sasuke was able to avoid them, but Anko had Kakashi, so she knew the ins and outs of the Sharingan.

Uchiha Sasuke hadn't felt fear like this in awhile: he did _not_ want his anus to be penetrated by an anal or jelly vibrator, he did not want to have a plastic ball inserted into his mouth, he did not want to have sex with Mitarashi Anko…maybe, and he didn't want to have someone as threatening as her take him over her knee and treat him like a child.

Then again, Sasuke _was_ only in his preteens and Anko's…well, not.

She had only managed to twist the Uchiha's nipples ever so tightly when he had backed himself into a wall. As a result, there were incriminating marks on both of them that he hoped wouldn't show through his shirt.

"Does Kakashi-sensei know about you doing this type of stuff?"

For speaking with such insolence, Sasuke received a slap on his bottom from a very hard paddle.

"You are to address me as Anko-sama from now on, Sasuke-_kun_," Anko said as she walked around to face the boy.

"You've gotta be--"

"DO IT!!" She exclaimed.

"I won't."

Giving Sasuke the impression that she'd taken defeat, Anko walked off into another room and came back with a strange collar.

"You're going to make me a dog and catch that like a frisbee?"

Anko shook her head. "I'm letting you go, Sasuke-kun. However, before I do that," she, after constant struggling and fighting with the Uchiha, got the collar around his neck, "I'm making sure I can keep an eye on you everywhere you go. There's a monitor on it and if you attempt to pull it off, it'll give you an electric shock, and that really hurts."

Sasuke groaned as Anko let him down from his binds. "I feel like Inuyasha, you know."

"Yes, but the difference here is you won't go crashing to the ground if I say 'Osuwari.'"

They waited a good ten seconds to see if anything would happen, but nothing did.

"Damn," Anko muttered, "I was hoping it would work."

"Only you would, Kagome," Sasuke said as he jumped through the window and into the bright sunshine…only to realize that he was wearing a tight pair of black underwear. He peeked his head back into the window as Anko began putting her gear up.

"GIVE ME MY CLOTHES BACK!!"

------------------------------------

Sakura, having already done what needed to be done to satisfy herself for the morning, had arrived in the main office of the Hokage tower and found both Tsunade and Shizune there.

"Sorry I'm late," Sakura said, out of breath, "but I got lost and I had some problems getting my-"

Tsunade raised her left hand. "Save it, Sakura. Don't let your excuses become as bad as Kakashi's. You're seriously getting on my last nerve today."

"When did I get on your _first_ nerve today?"

You'd think that training under Tsunade so long would teach Sakura to never test the blonde Sannin, _particularly_ when she was sober and wrathful as a god.

Don't worry; the black eye would surely be a reminder of that.

"Sakura," Tsunade began, "recently, my desk has undergone some…construction and was destroyed by an unnatural force of nature…_really_ unnatural force of nature. Seriously, Sakura, when I finally-"

Shizune gave Tsunade a questionable glance out of the corner of her eye.

"Er…I mean, when this force of nature reached its peak, it couldn't control itself and it broke the desk. The new one will be in here momentarily, but as of now, I need you to do some medical work for a few hours."

Sakura cautiously raised an eyebrow. "Who's the patient?"

"Rock Lee."

_Lee?_ Sakura thought. "What's he doing here?"

Tsunade sighed and massaged her breasts, but she realized that she wasn't alone like before, so she massaged her vulva through her pants with her index finger…also saw that her two apprentices were watching her.

"Oh, the hell with it," she muttered, "Lee's here because he overdosed on toso and we found him passed out in the middle of the street."

"You found him?"

"Yes, I went out for a little walk last night after the force destroyed the table. Anyway, Sakura, you're to check to make sure that he hasn't succumbed to alcohol poisoning since toso is essentially spiced sake."

And who better to know that than our Godaime herself?

"So I just check him and leave," Sakura shrugged, "that's not too hard."

Now Tsunade was shaking her head and scratching her thigh furiously. "Not exactly; you're to remain with him until I relieve you of your duty as a medical shinobi and until then, you can only leave if you need to speak with me or use the facilities."

Sakura just wanted to be off doing whatever, preferably masturbation with her Sasuke-kun, but hey, watching Lee, as annoying and strange as he was, couldn't be as bad as being set off on a mission.

Maybe.

The pink haired kunoichi snapped to attention. "Hai, Tsunade-sama!"

But before Sakura grabbed the doorknob, she did a 180 and turned back around.

"Tsunade-sama, what exactly was this unnatural force that destroyed your table?"

Her eyebrow furred and fists clenched, Tsunade rose out of her chair and stood on her feet.

"Hai, Tsunade-sama!!" Sakura screamed as she ran out of the office and made her way towards Konoha Hospital.

-

-

-

After a brief moment of silence between the two, Tsunade broke the ice.

"Kids can really be a pain, can't they?"

Shizune could only nod, she enjoyed Sakura's company, but she _was_ a bit clingy at times.

"By the way, Shizune, don't I owe you a spanking?"

Shizune's left eye twitched as her head slowly turned in the direction of her teacher. "Tsunade-sama, you couldn't have been serious when you said that."

But Tsunade only grinned as wide as Naruto normally does- the smile spread across from cheek to cheek.

"Shizune, over my knee, right now."

The apprentice cautiously backed away. "Tsunade-sama…please…"

"Shizune, don't make me chase you and get you down by force."

"Keep AWAY from me!!" Shizune warned as she began feeling for the doorknob. "I promise I'll rub your feet today!"

------------------------------------

Elsewhere, Naruto and Hinata, having watched enough television, went their separate ways.

Hinata was surprised, yet glad to feel a gentle breeze sweep through her body until she realized it.

Naruto had kept her bra as a memento.

Stopping on one of the rooftops, Hinata contemplated whether or not she should go back or just let Naruto keep them. It's not like Neji, Hanabi, or, Kami forbid, Hiashi, would go thumbing through her drawers to see if she had every piece of clothing bought, but after seeing Neji's awkward behavior lately, Hinata couldn't believe that _this_ was the same person who nearly killed her during the Chuunin Exams.

"Best to get them back," she said at last as she began jumping across rooftops back towards Naruto's window.

_At_ Naruto's window, the blonde shinobi proudly held up Hinata's bra and let it flow with the gentle breeze of the newfound morning.

"LOOK AT THESE!!" He yelled to…no one in particular. "I'VE GOT A WOMAN'S BRA!!!"

But Naruto paused and considered what he just said: it made him sound not only like a pervert, but a strange, lonely little boy who wore and modeled in women's lingerie.

"I RETRACT THAT STATEMENT!!" He yelled again. "I MEANT TO SAY--"

"I need my bra back."

"I NEED MY BRA **BACK**!!!"

Hinata let out a slight chuckle whilst Naruto began contemplating suicide since his reputation, however big it was to the people of Konoha, was now ruined thanks to the ears of anyone within a two mile radius.

Naruto really needed to learn that when you're doing and saying perverted things, do it responsibly _and_ quietly.

Mostly quietly.

------------------------------------

**Phazon:** And there we have it folks, the beginning of another day full of rambunctious, life-scarring moments in horny little Konoha. Thanks for taking the time to read the chapter, however much of it you did, and…before I end, let me clear some things up:

What Neji and Tenten discuss corresponds with the Naruto anime that's airing right now in Japan: the fillers have ended and Naruto: Shippuden- which chronicles the events that take place after Naruto leaves Konoha to train with Jiraiya, has finally aired, and the thing about a mission involving Gaara and such is about the last filler arc that aired before Naruto left in the anime. They're technically not breaking the fourth wall since they're not acknowledging the audience, but they are talking about their own anime series, so I guess it is. Sorry if you're not a fan of self-referencing, but I've always enjoyed it.

And for the short Inuyasha bit, for those who only watch the dub, 'Osuwari' is basically 'Sit.'

Until then, later.


	15. Guy Talk

**Phazon:** This update may be a bit quicker than I would have wanted it to be, but, oh well. May as well get right to it.

_Disclaimer:_ Of course I do not own the Naruto characters. They belong to Kishimoto Masashi and him only. All I own is this fan fiction, and that's it, so don't sue!

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**Guy Talk**

Per Kakashi's instructions, Team 7 was to meet at their normal training spot for a bit of Q&A about what had happened to them last night. As expected, their sensei was late and Sasuke was growing more and more irritable.

This was mostly due to the collar.

If what Anko had said was true, then Sasuke trying to pull off the collar would give him an unnecessary jolt. In any event, all he could do was wait for his slowpoke team to arrive, but he got to thinking…about a certain pink haired kunoichi.

Suddenly, Sasuke heard a loud buzzing sound coming from the collar. He couldn't do anything about that since he was now shaking violently on the grass, clutching the collar.

Ten seconds later when the buzzer stopped, Sasuke got off of the ground and realized that the collar was programmed to shock him whenever he thought of an attractive female.

Wait, is he saying that he considers that meddlesome kunoichi attractive?

"OI, SASUKE!!!!!"

For once, Sasuke was pleased to hear Naruto's blaring voice resonate throughout his ears. The blonde appeared to be in a good mood, but rarely was there a moment when he wasn't.

"Bah…Kakashi-sensei's late again!" He pouted and was about to go off into a rant when he realized this would be a good time to test the Uchiha.

"I did something nice last night."

Sasuke didn't blink; his focus was still on the collar around his neck and he didn't pay Naruto any attention.

"To make it clearer," Naruto continued, "I had sex with a girl."

Sasuke's head shot up in an instant, but he had to make it look like he still didn't care. He casually raised an eyebrow.

"You…and a female? That'll be the day."

_Looks like I've got his attention_, Naruto thought.

"I got Hinata to scream my name last night."

_Now_ Naruto had Sasuke's attention, judging from that strange mix between a grunt and a gasp for air.

Rather than talk, Naruto sat down on one of the logs and watched Sasuke put himself together again. After all, he hadn't _entirely_ lied. At one point, Hinata did scream out his name…though it was in pain more than anything else.

At least he'd gotten further than Sasuke had, or so he hoped.

"Baka, you expect me to believe that you of all people could achieve penetration?"

Naruto blinked. "Penetration? Well, I didn't stab her or anything, if that's what you're talking about, but we did do a lot of touching. It wasn't like I wanted to torture her."

A light bulb went off in Sasuke's head as he realized that he also had done something with a female. Granted, it was degrading, but damn it, it was a woman, so it had to matter somewhere.

"Don't think I haven't done anything like that with a girl, dobe. I don't mean to boast but--"

Sasuke stopped when Naruto began poking at the Uchiha's forehead. "So now little Sasuke-_chan_ wants to boast because the dropout trumped him again."

"You idiot," Sasuke retorted as he slapped Naruto's hand away, "I won't make you believe me, but I think Konoha would take my word over yours any day. Besides," he added, "you're not familiar with the structure of a female."

Lowering his eyebrows, Naruto took a step forward.

"What the hell did you say?"

Inwardly, Sasuke smirked at how he got Naruto furious. "You wouldn't be able to tell a clitoris from a kneecap."

Sasuke made a mental note to try not using so many sexual puns after reading _Icha Icha Paradise_.

"You've never seen a real breast before!!!"

"You never will!"

"You want to take this outside?!!"

Sasuke slapped his forehead. "We ARE outside!!"

The two had been so into their argument that they didn't notice Kakashi's arrival.

"All right, all right, you two," he said as he pried the two apart, "it's time we had man to man to man talk. Stop this horseplay, and Naruto, as much as I enjoy seeing the two of you beat each other into submission, and I do, the thought of you naked is frightening and I'd prefer to keep my thoughts pure."

"And _when_ does your subscription to _Icha Icha_ expire, again?"

Moments later, Sasuke reluctantly helped Naruto off of the ground. The blonde, now sporting a bruise on his left cheek, soon sat on the ground and faced his sensei.

"As I was saying, the three of us should have some male bonding since Sakura won't be here?"

Naruto's head perked up at the announcement and Kakashi decided it'd be better to explain.

"Godaime has her kept up in the hospital, so she'll be busy for awhile. Anyway, getting back on topic, what has happened to either of you in the past twelve hours? Naruto, you start."

Naruto's grin only widened as he chuckled smugly. "As I was saying before you arrived, sensei, I achieved a great milestone in shinobi history by becoming the first of the rookie nine to have sexual intercourse!!"

Kakashi blinked. He hadn't expected Naruto to do anything just yet, but knowing Naruto's carefree spirit, it was inevitable. Even still…

"So you're saying that you and a female were able to achieve successful penetration?"

"Why do you two think I want to kill Hinata? I don't have a reason to penetrate her with my kunai."

Sasuke's face became a bit more impassive, while Kakashi began shuffling through his pockets for a note.

When he finally found the note, he began reading off certain parts to Naruto. Hell, Kakashi may have been a pervert to some extent, but there were things that even _he_ didn't understand, and he and Jiraiya were closely knit.

"So if I'm hearing you correctly, Naruto, you and Hinata had sexual intercourse in that you were able to insert your manhood into her womanhood?"

-

-

-

-

-

-

"…um…well, about that-"

"He didn't do it," the other two said in unison.

"Well, I GOT TO SEE A NAKED GIRL UP CLOSE AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME!!"

Kakashi told Naruto to get into the details later while Sasuke told his story of his nightly antics.

"Well, she's in Kakashi's age range and isn't the friendliest of people you'd want to run into at night."

"Anko…you and Anko?"

Who'd have though?

Naruto quivered upon the thought of that woman who had fooled around with him during the second part of the Chuunin Exams.

Sasuke clenched his fists and activated his Sharingan. "She hung me upside down and tried to make me play her games. Apparently, she's had plenty of practice. Am I right, Kakashi?"

"Just get on with the story," Kakashi muttered.

"She chased me around with a bullwhip, tried twisting…anyway, it was a sexual hell that I don't want to go through again."

"But you didn't have intercourse with her, so you fail!"

"In _any_ instance," Kakashi interrupted as shoved Naruto to the ground, "why are you wearing that collar?"

"It's some stupid device that gives me an electric shock whenever I try to take it off or think of a female. That…_woman_ is some kind of torturer and she made me-"

"Feel like less of a man, Sasuke-_chan_?"

Kakashi held Sasuke back to keep him from killing Naruto, even though he did like their play fights.

"Naruto," Kakashi began, "now that you have been in bed with a female of your age group, you need to understand that there are obligations you must abide by: You mustn't speak of it in public, you can't get an erection around her-"

"It's _election_," Naruto incorrectly corrected.

"And you," Kakashi paused and checked the paper, "you aren't allowed to touch her for twenty four hours."

"Why don't you just lop off my head while you're at it?"

During Kakashi and Naruto's brief staring contest, Sasuke's grip on a kunai he was holding tightened.

"I don't make the rules, Naruto, but I do report them. Now, because we're all males, I'd like to go off and discuss your kunoichi teammate."

Naruto sighed dreamily and closed his legs while Sasuke just deactivated his Sharingan.

"She's got these two things on her chest called breasts that can be used as a cushion when you feel the need to 'faint' upon seeing her and-"

Sasuke raised his hand to cut Kakashi off. "We already know about the male and female reproductive organs."

"I wonder which of you knows the most," Kakashi wondered aloud. After all, Sasuke had probably been watching sexual videos and reading…things…for quite sometime, but Naruto hung out with the man who wrote _Icha Icha_.

"Sasuke-_chan_ here thinks I can't tell a clitoris from a kneecap. At least I've seen _and_ touched a woman's special area. I'll scream it to the entire world if I have to!!"

"And then Neji will kill you, not to mention probably the entire Hyuuga clan would be out for your ass."

The exuberant smile on Naruto's face instantly vanished, but it reappeared when he thought of something of even more importance.

"Sensei, what's masturbation?"

Kakashi tried to pretend he hadn't heard that question, so Naruto asked him several more times. It wasn't until Naruto pulled out the magazine that had the short paragraph of a certain Copy Ninja talking about the same thing did he pay attention.

"It looks like the technique specialist of Konoha has a bit too much free time on his hands," Sasuke said as he pulled his hands out of his pockets.

When Naruto pulled the magazine away from Kakashi's face, the copy ninja cleared his throat.

"And we wanna know how to do it both ways!!" Naruto loudly added, elbowing Sasuke in the ribs.

"We're not kunoichi, dumbass."

"Yeah, but if we did know, we could be part of an intellectual conversation between women and actually feel involved."

Not entirely sure where to begin, Kakashi thumbed through his pockets _again_ and was looking for anything that could be a visual aid.

"This is tissue."

---------------------------------------

After a struggling contest, Tsunade had subdued Shizune. The Godaime was sitting at the end of her desk with her apprentice laid out on her lap. Shizune's robe had been flipped up and her panties were now around her ankles. Just as Tsunade began to bring her hand up-

"TSUNADE-SAMA!!"

Gai rushed in. Completely oblivious to the scene before him, Gai rushed forward and sat in the Hokage's chair.

"Lee never came back last night and I'm concerned that some woman may be holding him captive because of his superior charm and looks."

We're talking about Rock Lee, right?

Tsunade cleared her throat and let Shizune fall gracefully to the floor.

"Gai, Lee is fine. We found him passed out in the street and he's in room 205 under the watchful eye of Sakura."

Gai let out a sigh of relief and got out of Tsunade's seat as he walked to the door.

"Good, but promise me that she won't try to persuade him to leave with her because of her charms and firm breasts. My Lee is a bit tougher than that."

"Is that why he almost had to give up being a shinobi…or was it because women just find him _so_ irresistible?"

Shizune poked her head up. "Lee?"

But Tsunade forced her apprentice back to the floor. "I'm sure that Lee gets a lot of attention from the females, does he not?"

"Yes, but they mostly just give him weird stares. I need to go and check up on him, so ladies, and good day to you!"

And with that, Gai was out of the room, leaving a perplexed Tsunade and Shizune behind.

"Don't you think you're only giving Lee more confidence that'll be wasted when he's crushed, Tsunade-sama?"

Tsunade sat back in her chair and pulled out a scroll. "Certainly, but as the Hokage, it's my duty to fill the spirits of the citizens with hope and promise for a better tomorrow. Now could you please step out? I need to work on some important documents."

Shizune stood to her feet and pulled her panties up. "Is that the code for you're going to do something degrading and naughty to your body?"

Not answering, Tsunade picked up the nearest random blunt object, a book, and threw it at Shizune, who was already out the door.

---------------------------------------

"Ayame, explain to me why our profits have tripled in the past few days?"

Ayame looked to Teuchi, who was scratching his head at the multitude of customers who had been visiting the ramen shop recently.

"Because we're partly responsible for releasing a wave of sex-crazed Konoha citizens who are doing anything and everything to get laid?"

"Exactly."

---------------------------------------

Hinata, now feeling a bit safer with her panties _on_, walked down the streets of Konoha in search of her Naruto-fucking-kun, when she heard Tenten call out her name.

_Oh, great_, the Hyuuga thought. She was hoping not to give away any signs that she had just been in another guy's bed even though she hadn't done anything at all.

"Hinata, where'd you go off to last night?"

"Um…I had to…visit Kurenai-sensei about advice on romance."

Tenten knew something was up when Hinata didn't stutter one time, so she questioned her even more.

"And you were there all night? So if I were to find Kurenai and ask her, she'd confirm this for me?"

"Tenten, don't you need to go off and do Neji-san?"

The buns kunoichi was fuming now, and she was complete with steam coming out of her ears.

"As a matter of fact, I'll be going out with him tonight! What have _you_ accomplished in the last twenty four hours?"

"I WAS IN NARUTO-KUN'S BED!!!"

Tenten tackled Hinata to the ground and placed her hand over the Hyuuga's mouth.

"If anyone hears that you and Naruto were involved with anything together, _especially_ Neji, actually…only Neji, you won't like what happens."

Hinata forcibly removed Tenten's hand and stood to her feet.

"So…" Tenten began, "how big was it?"

The Hyuuga smirked and began extending her arms in complete exaggeration.

"It was this big…**THIS BIG!!!**"

Tenten immediately stopped the flow of blood that would've come spurting out of her nose at what she'd been told.

"How does he fit it into his pants?"

Hinata shrugged. "As much as I'd love to talk, Tenten-san, I need to head to a teahouse and maybe you should do something about that nosebleed. See you sometime, later."

With that, Hinata was off into Konoha, while Tenten was left with a huge nosebleed.

"Well," Tenten began as she set off in the opposite direction, "he _does_ have excellent stamina. So I guess it's obvious that he'd have a big…big…"

Unfortunately, Tenten was able to finish her sentence due to being overcome by her orgasmic thoughts and she fainted.

She was later found by Neji.

---------------------------------------

After a long explanation, Kakashi was hoping that his two male students had a firm understanding of what masturbation was. They had to, judging by Naruto's frantic screaming 'I DID **THAT** TO MYSELF?!'

Sasuke…well…Sasuke just sat there.

Kakashi shrugged and opened his volume of _Icha Icha_.

"Maybe I overdid it on the semen versus sea_man_ explanation, but they _had_ to know the difference."

After a few seconds, Kakashi called Naruto over to rejoin them for yet _another_ lesson. The copy ninja pulled out another scrap of paper that had the word 'forbidden' written across the top.

"See, and then there's _mutual_ masturbation-"

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**Phazon:** If Kakashi does not scar Naruto and Sasuke for life with that explanation, then I don't know what will. I hope everyone enjoyed the chapter and wasn't too grossed out by the content, but as I announced from the beginning, I'm not pulling any punches…except those that may get me banned. But, thanks for reading and I'll see you next chapter.


	16. Shizune's Day Off

**Phazon:** Tsunade got private time to herself, so let's spend some time with Shizune, shall we?

_Disclaimer:_ Of course I do not own the Naruto characters. They belong to Kishimoto Masashi and him only. All I own is this fan fiction, and that's it, so don't sue!

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**Shizune's Day Off**

"All you have to do is spit out the words: 'Tsunade-sama, can I have the…the-'"

Shizune mentally slapped herself as she walked down one of the empty halls of the Hokage tower. Since being with Tsunade, Shizune was always the sober one. This meant that she often missed out on enjoyable and possibly pleasurable events for the sake of being the one to drag her master out of some bar or casino.

"She may kill me if she even realizes I'm thinking of it, but I think I deserve it."

Who in the hell was she talking to?

Shizune may have been…the more organized of the two, but as a female, she needed to loosen up, but she couldn't do that if she was cooped up in the tower or hospital all day long without a breath of fresh air. Therefore, Shizune was prepared to ask for something that no one who had worked under Tsunade since she became Godaime had asked for:

Three simple words:

A day off.

Sure, it sounded simple enough in her thoughts, but Shizune, as level headed as she was, was no idiot and knew that when you spoke to Tsunade, particularly when she was under the influence of alcohol, you were gambling with your life.

"Heh…gambling….Tsunade-sama," Shizune chuckled to herself as she quickened her pace towards the Hokage's office.

---------------------------------------

No, Tsunade was not masturbating again. She was now reading over the details of a straightforward mission of escorting a prominent lord from Kirigakure no Kaijin. Whoever accepted the mission would not pass through enemy territory.

"It'd be so easy to assign this to Team 7," Tsunade mused, "but then again, that brat will just start another argument."

A knock on the door had Tsunade bringing her legs from off of the desk and back onto the carpet.

"Enter."

Tsunade went back to reading the briefings and paid no mind to whoever came in when the door slowly squeaked.

"Tsunade-sama?"

She looked up to hear the voice of her first apprentice. "Yes, Shizune?"

Shizune slowly approached the desk where Tsunade was sitting. She wasn't sweating bullets, but she did feel a bit queasy at this thought. She pondered whether or not she should dawdle over minute details or just get to the main point.

What the hell. You only live once.

"Tsunade-sama, can I have the day off?"

Tsunade's left hand inadvertently became a fist and went sailing through the wall behind her. Strangely enough, she was able to mask it with the grin on her face.

"Could you repeat that a bit louder, Shizune?"

"I asked if I could have the day off."

Tsunade placed the scroll on the desk and leaned back in the chair, tenting her fingers. "Well, I'd love to help you out, but I don't see what's in it for me."

A bit miffed, Shizune placed her hands on the desk. In her mind, she was screaming 'Fuck you, Tsunade-sama.' Well, maybe a polite 'Forget you, Tsunade-sama,' but there was still malice behind it.

"Excuse me," the apprentice resumed with the _tiniest_ bit of a growing temper in her voice, "but there are some issues that I wish to attend to on this day."

Tsunade raised an eyebrow and stood to her feet. "I-I'm sorry, Shizune. Is it a…" Tsunade's gaze quickly flicked between Shizune's legs, "female issue?"

"Yes, yes it is."

Taking her hands off of her apprentice's shoulders, Tsunade slowly began to pace around the office and started speaking an entirely improvised, or prepared, who knows, monologue. If Shizune wasn't listening to her, who would?

"Oh, why," she sighed solemnly, putting a hand to her breasts, "why is it always the female issues? Those rapid swells of emotions that threaten to disturb the life of a woman as she goes through her personal crisis. How long until these damned feelings of despair, hunger, desperation, lust, and woe are put to rest?"

There was a long pause until Shizune took over the conversation.

"Sarcasm noted and appreciated, Tsunade-sama. Can I have the day off?"

Tsunade crossed her arms. "Pick a number between one and one million."

"Do we have to go through th-"

"Guess I'll get back to that mission briefing."

With Tsunade's back turned, Shizune made a series of exaggerated facial expressions to show her disgust. She took a deep breath and made the best guess she could.

"Four hundred and fifty-three thousand, seven hundred ninety-five."

Tsunade froze.

Goddamn it.

"Get out of the office, Shizune. You can't have the day off."

Shizune shifted into an impatient stance and placed her hands on her hips.

"I was right, wasn't I?"

---------------------------------------

"So you just felt the need to touch her between her legs? Is that what I'm hearing?"

Shikamaru just rolled his eyes and looked in the opposite direction. Asuma's Q&A session had gone on for over thirty minutes, and the squad wasn't fond of the peculiar stares they were getting from citizens who passed by.

"A woman's flower is her special area, her pride and joy, and for someone such as yourself to just go and touch her on her…Ino, stop picking your nose!"

Ino had gotten bored.

"I don't believe that the three of you are in any position to begin experimenting with _threesomes_ of all things!"

Chouji shrugged. "Can you really blame us, sensei? We've all been pretty…engaged in the past few days, even you."

At that point, Shikamaru howled.

Asuma, trying to ignore references to Kurenai, turned to Ino. "Ino, would you stop it?"

The first time Ino had heard it, she hadn't taken her finger out of her nose, and she certainly didn't the second time around.

"What would you propose?" She asked her male companions. "I can always insert my finger into another opening if you'd prefer that?"

"You're gonna stick a finger up your ass?"

"Yes--**NO!!**"

Ino's fist connected with Chouji's unprotected face and he was sent sailing into a convenient store.

"Besides, Shikamaru already tried that and if it weren't for sensei showing up…"

"You wouldn't be able to sit down."

"I wouldn't…yes, that's right, Shikamaru."

Chouji came running out of the store with bags of chips under his arms. The store owner was screaming obscenities at him, but what could he do? Chouji _was_ a shinobi and this guy…well, wasn't.

Before anyone could acknowledge Chouji, they saw Shizune walking down the road with a carefree smile on her face.

"Isn't that…"

"Tsunade's assistance?"

"Out on the town?"

"With the permission of the Godaime herself?"

They all stared at one another and came to a collective 'Nah' before going about their business.

---------------------------------------

"Oh, the hell with what Tsunade-sama says," Shizune mumbled to herself…rather loudly so that everyone within a block's radius could hear her.

She tried to ignore the stares that people were giving her when they realized that the main apprentice of the Godaime Hokage was actually doing something of her own free will without her consent. While none of them _knew_ that Tsunade hadn't given the order, they could always assume.

"I'll just be gone for an hour. An hour's long enough for me to do what I need to do."

There happened to be a small bar not that far from the Victoria's Secret that kunoichi of Konoha would frequently attend before going off to buy lingerie.

Shizune stepped in and pulled some money out of the inner fold of her robe. It wouldn't do any good to charge it to the Hokage's account since said person was already up to her breasts in debt.

As Shizune sat down on one of the stools, a bottle slid past her at lightning speed and went into the hands of a kunoichi with a mask on.

Shizune tried not to make eye contact with the ANBU member for obvious reasons: she could be discovered and reported back to Tsunade.

"I _said_ 'What will it be, jou-chan?'"

Shizune snapped back to reality when the sweaty bartender, currently cleaning a grimy mug, was standing before her. Before Shizune could say anything, the man's cigarette fell limp.

"Say, aren't you that woman who works for-"

"Three bottles of awamori, and fast!!!"

Awamori is an alcoholic beverage indigenous to Okinawa, Japan. Shizune knew that if the bartender had it, he must have done his fair share of smuggling.

"You want those in a row, jou-chan?"

Shizune's left eye twitched. She leaned forward, grabbed the bartender by his collar, and brought him down to her eye level.

"Do I look like an attractive piece of woman for you to fool around with?"

No one came to the bartender's aid or even cared when he cried out for help, so he was helpless when Shizune's right hand was palming a kunai.

Shizune released the bartender, who went off in a huff to find what he hoped was the finest bottle of awamori available. She seized the bottle and downed it in a few seconds, as opposed to savoring every drop like Tsunade did.

"Another," she muttered, not feeling the least bit tipsy yet, "and make it faster or I'll sever your reproductive organs."

She'd do it.

"Jou-ch…ma'am," the bartender sighed as his hand glided over the multitude of bottles, "might I ask why someone like you is outside of your job when that woman you work for doesn't even allow for a lot of leisure time?"

Shizune hiccupped, but covered her mouth to block the sound.

"You want to know what I think of Tsunade-sama?"

Over the course of only five minutes, Shizune had gone from being a sweet, lovable apprentice to a…less lovable one.

"Sure, she doesn't know when to give someone a break, but who is _she_ to criticize?" Shizune slurred as she banged her bottle on the table…shattering it. "I mean, I've been with Tsunade-sama for a very long time, and even though she likes to get into confrontations, she's not so good at getting out of them. That's why I never get any time-"

Shizune halted when she felt a painful pressure in her aching bladder. Clearly, if she was going to pull off her big stunt, she'd have to leave before the stunt occurred of its own volition. She dug through one of the folds of her robe and took out exactly fifty ryou, which was more than enough to cover for how much alcohol she had consumed (including the bottle she swiped while walking out).

"Hn," the bartender sneered, "that sure was one strange jou-chan."

"Better move your hand."

"Huh?"

The ANBU said nothing more and walked out of the bar in pursuit of the medical shinobi, while the bartender contemplated how he would remove the kunai that had somehow been lodged into his hand.

It was pretty hard for Shizune to hide her blushing cheeks, lowered eyebrows, and constant hiccupping. Because she wasn't a frequent drinker and she'd downed more bottles of alcohol than she needed, she succumbed to its effects.

"Whoa," Shizune said aloud as she almost tripped and fell, "what a rush. So _this_ is the feeling Tsunade-sama gets whenever she gets drunk."

Once outside, Shizune began staggering towards her target: the Hokage monument. A stunt this big would probably have been performed by someone like Naruto, but since he couldn't drink, only someone who had been as cooped up as Shizune could pull this off.

"Gotta go…gotta go _now_," she muttered as she shoved her hand between her legs to stop anything from happening. Butterflies were dancing in her stomach and the need to relieve herself only intensified as she downed another bottle of sake.

The ANBU kept a close eye on Shizune from the rooftops.

Shizune came to a halt her legs quivered when she arrived at the foot of the Hokage monument. Her focus would be distracted since she was focusing on keeping from wetting herself, but now she had to focus the chakra to her feet.

After counting to three, Shizune sprinted as fast as she could up the rugged cliffs of the monument. With her expert chakra control, it took no time at all to arrive at the top, but because she was so focused on this now, she paid no attention to her aching bladder.

"Oh, NO, not _now_," she grumbled. She stuck her free hand into her robe and felt her underwear. They were moist and that warm wetness would only increase unless she got to the top of the monument.

Shizune grabbed Sandaime-sama's rocky nose and catapulted herself on top of the great Hokage monument where the rest of Konoha was now visible.

Glad that the time had come for her plan to pull off in one hour, Shizune reached into her robe and began to yank her panties down.

Rather than follow the medical shinobi and possibly embarrass her, the ANBU secured herself on the closest rooftop and was looking through a pair of binoculars.

"Where the hell did she get to?"

The binoculars were filthy, so they weren't the best of help, but despite that, the ANBU searched on and on until she could find that goddamn…

"Hey, is that…what is she…of all-"

The ANBU had honed in on Shizune's face, and she saw that Shizune had the most carefree, joyous smile on her face. It was what Shizune was _doing_ that explained the smile.

"Oh, Tsunade-same will never believe this."

---------------------------------------

At the office, Tsunade buried her head in her right hand as she read over the ridiculous amount of money that had been spent trying to buy new medical equipment for the hospital.

"And we call ourselves shinobi," she moaned, "yet we have to spend every single cent of this village's resources on new equipment and supplies of all things."

It wasn't entirely their fault. Most hospital victims were a bit too irritable and would proceed to wreck their room if they could not be kept down. As a result, many rooms had to be rebuilt from the ground up and the hospital went under constant renovation.

"And if someone like Sakura is with that Rock Lee kid…they better not screw anything else up. The village's budget is already tight enough."

Tsunade's lamenting was interrupted when a loud _poof_ brought her out to attention. Thinking quickly, she snatched a kunai out of her robe and threw it towards the smoke. There was no other noise.

"The hell are you?"

When the smoke cleared, the ANBU stood there with the kunai inches away from her mask. She was quick enough to throw her hand forward and grab it before it hit its mark.

"Still not used to us popping in every now and then, are you, Tsunade-sama?"

Upon seeing the ANBU, Tsunade leaned forward and placed her hands on the desk.

"Report! Is there something wrong in the village?"

"Well…you could say that the history of the village has just received a…rather unfortunate shower," the ANBU shrugged.

"Just what exactly happened?"

Before the ANBU could open her mouth, Tsunade spoke again.

"Wait. Before you speak, have you seen Shizune?"

The ANBU took a step back. "Well…about her…"

---------------------------------------

"Sakura-san?"

Sakura had been in the hospital room with Lee for what she thought was two hours. Lee hadn't complained about anything, not even when Sakura flipped off the light switch because she couldn't stand the illumination.

"What is it, Lee? I've already done a thorough scan on your body and the readings," she paused and held up a sheet of paper she printed out, "show that your body isn't ready to take in so much toso at one time."

"I realize that, but because I am immobile, there is something I need you to do for me."

Sakura shifted in the uncomfortable armchair she was sitting in. "Forget it, Lee. I don't do sponge baths in _those_ areas."

Yes…she does.

Lee fumbled around under the covers and pulled out what appeared to be an inch ruler and a chart.

Now it was getting weird.

"Every day I measure the growth," he paused and stared out the window, "and decrease of my manhood to see if I am truly becoming a man. In such a compromising position, I am unable to do so, and so-"

"What you're asking me to do is to take that ruler, put it and my hands down your pants, and measure your fellow down there to see if it's grown or not?"

Lee nodded.

"Fuck."

"Yes, we may engage in that as well, if you wish, Sakura-san."

Sakura just stared at him.

---------------------------------------

The ANBU escorted a meek Shizune to the main office where Tsunade (who had taken the news without showing any rage) was waiting for her apprentice.

"You may leave us," Tsunade said to the ANBU, but her eyes never leaving Shizune, who had kept her head down the entire time.

The ANBU vanished in an instant, leaving Shizune alone at the mercy of her master. She'd probably get a royal thrashing, but in the end, she figured it was all worth it after relieving her body of that agonizing flow that had been begging for escape.

"Take a seat, Shizune."

She did as instructed, but kept her head down. She began twiddling her thumbs and hoped that this punishment would be swift, because she now had to go again, but this time, in the place designated for that.

Tsunade sighed and rolled her eyes. Better to get it over with now and not let Shizune have to suffer.

"Shizune, we've been friends for quite some time and I think that we can rely on one another whenever we need to get each other out of a jam or if there's something on our mind. I know much about you and vice versa, so I believe that we can always be open and not have to keep any secrets, regardless of how we feel the other person may react."

Shizune nodded, but still kept her head down.

"Listen to me, Shizune. I know that we're in a bit of uncharted territory, but I'd like to lay down a ground rule."

_Now_ Shizune raised her head.

"Taking an unauthorized one hour break…is….not so bad."

Shizune felt as if a great weight had been lifted off of her shoulders.

"But using that hour to get drunk and take a leak off of the Hokage monument _is_. We have things called _bathrooms_, Shizune, and I don't care how tipsy you get, that's not the thing to do in public."

Tsunade paused and rethought that after remembering some personal experiences of hers.

"Sometimes."

"Demo, Tsunade-sama," Shizune protested as she leaned in closer, "I almost hit Nidaime-sama's nose."

"Shizune, I don't care if…wow, are you serious?!"

But how?

"Nevertheless, Shizune, I'll admit that it's partially my fault because you did guess the correct number and I didn't give you the day off. However, I don't think the citizens of Konoha will be happy when they look up at the monument and see that the sculpture of the second Hokage's face has a big dark stain on it from a woman who was too drunk to go to the bathroom. Personally, I don't see how you could consume so much alcohol that you'd be able to cover a section of the face with--you're getting me off-topic, Shizune!"

"Erm…hai, Tsunade-sama."

"Look, I'll be a bit more lenient, but I'm watching you closer from now on. I'm sorry to be a bit harsh on you but," Tsunade paused and slammed a fist onto the table, "Shizune, you're taking a leak on the carpet now, aren't you?"

"No, but I _do_ need to go, again. So, if I might-"

"Shizune, this isn't exactly the type of talk I want to have again. I don't want to have to hear again that you can't direct yourself to the bathroom even when under the influence of alcohol…but that's because I'll be wondering about how you hit the nose."

Well then, Shizune stood on her feet.

"And _where_ are you going?"

Shizune smiled. "To find a nice potted plant where I can take a-"

Tsunade's eyebrow furrowed. You don't kid around with the Godaime when it's not appropriate.

"I'll be going to the bathroom now, Tsunade-sama."

Shizune was gone in an instant and Tsunade walked back to her desk. After propping her feet on top of the desk, she began looking through various mission assignments and began thinking about what had occurred in the past few days…that she knew of.

The boys had gone peeping, Anko wanted to have a lineup of naked males to look at their…passion poles, Hyuuga Neji had sung his heart out like a bastard, she had masturbated for the very first time and _enjoyed_ it, Rock Lee ended up in the hospital because he overdosed, and now her apprentice was taking one hour breaks to get drunk and take a leak that somehow managed to hit the _nose_ of the second Hokage.

Sighing, Tsuande leaned back in her chair and turned to address us...the audience.

"See, this is why I hate being Hokage.

---------------------------------------

**Phazon**: Jou-chan, to clear things up, loosely means "little missy," "pretty lady," and a way to address someone of importance, but not like royalty. It stems from "ojouchan," which is a rude way a thug or someone would address a woman.

I tried to get away from the raodm scenes and show some production in the village because Konoha, no matter how randy it may be, should still be progressing as a village.


	17. Not So Personal Space

**Not So Personal Space**

Hinata had gotten accustomed to getting on her knees. No, not for the rare fantasy when she was kneeling before Naruto's unzipped pants, but for the times she, Hanabi, and Neji had eaten together. It was no different for the teahouse she was in, but something wasn't right. In a teahouse, one was normally suppose to be, I don't know, respectful of their environment and not cause a ruckus? To Hinata's right, one man was speaking to two of his guy friends about…what was it?

"Don't blame her. It's not her fault you have a waning libido. You just need something to give it a good jump."

Hinata, not currently under the influence of an aphrodisiac, tried to tone out the conversation, but when the man began to speak of giant eruptions that turned up short, a drop of blood fell from her right nostril.

"Excuse me, ma'am?"

Hinata let out a quiet shriek as the man before her set her cup next to her. Before he could go anywhere, however…

"What is this?"

"That, ma'am, is the best mecha tea you'll ever find in Konoha. We were lucky to receive help from a benevolent gentleman who was willing to offer his services."

Jiraiya and benevolent do not go hand in hand.

"He told me never to reveal the secret ingredient added in order to give the tea its special spice because the entire village would be in-"

"A hell of a lot of trouble?"

Surprise number two for Hinata came in form of Kurenai, who removed her sandals and kneeled next to Hinata.

"I'll have one mecha tea, please. I'm in the mood for something that'll give me a bad aftertaste."

_"How about my penis?!"_

Remember the man who'd been talking about his waning libido?

Yeah, he didn't leave.

Kurenai eyed the man's midsection and before the man had realized it, a kunai had landed _just_ shy of his manhood.

"If you want, I can throw another one and remove your goody bag for you."

The three of them bolted.

"So, Hinata," Kurenai began as she sipped her tea, "did my advice work any wonders for you yesterday?"

Hinata nodded. "I spent the night at Naruto-kun's bed and we were able to see each other naked. I think I was too forceful and knocked his lamp over."

"I'll…try not to imagine what context you're using the word 'forceful' in, but the two of you didn't try anything risky, did you?"

"I _did_ grab him for a few seconds and he let his hand go around in my underwear, but he's kind of innocent when it comes to relations."

"How so?"

"He had trouble removing my bra, he'd never seen a real woman's breasts before, kissing was awkward, and I could have sworn I saw him try to cover himself up when his boxers were off."

Pausing, Kurenai tried to sniff out the foreign substance in the tea she and Hinata were drinking, but she didn't have an Inuzuka's nose, so it was pointless.

"Hinata…the two of you didn't actually engage in sexual intercourse, did you?"

"No. We touched one another in various parts of the body, though Naruto-kun's seemed to react a lot more to touch than mine did."

"It means that he enjoyed it, Hinata. I thought I explained this: the manhood is the most sensitive part of the male's body and if caressed or fondled, it will react by coming to direct attention."

"More like erect attention."

Kurenai nearly spit her tea out at her student's filthy mouth. She had to punch herself two times in the chest in order to regain control of her breathing. After several seconds of coughing, she'd regained her sanity.

"Hinata, first off, where did you learn such vulgar language?"

"I…I don't know, Kurenai-sensei. I was mildly thinking of sexual thoughts, but after drinking this tea, my thoughts have been on…more extreme things."

"Such as?"

Hinata pointed directly in front of her. "It's not something I can say in front of them. Please come a bit closer."

Kurenai leaned in and listened to what she assumed was the nastiest thought ever conjured up by a Hyuuga. Surprisingly, her eyes never widened in shock and she took the whole thing as indifferent as Sasuke would. When Hinata was done, Kurenai backed off.

"Is that all? Hinata, those are amateur thoughts. I've done that with Asuma…dozens of times and we never got disgusted by it. As your sensei, I'd advise that if you're going to think raunchy, think big. Now finish your tea before you and I start flashing our breasts. I think the same stuff that's in the ramen is in this tea here."

Hinata nodded and finished off her serving of tea. As she waited for the waiter to come back so she could pay for her drink, she couldn't help but think about what else Kurenai needed to cover.

"Um…Kurenai-sensei, why are we in such a rush to leave?"

Kurenai placed her arm around Hinata and brought her closer. "Hinata, I think it's time that you learned about the birds and the bees."

"I already do."

"Yeah, well, now you'll hear the story of what happens when the birds and the bees start having sex."

The waiter accepted the money from Hinata and handed Kurenai her requested bottle of awamori.

Hinata blinked. "You mean vaginal intercourse?"

The waiter only took two steps before suddenly stumbling and dropping the plate with the cups.

Kurenai only smiled as she beckoned Hinata to follow her out of the teahouse…though they were walking a bit awkwardly.

"Is there any other type of intercourse?"

Yeah, I think I can name a few.

---------------------------------------

"So do the bugs ever get on your man hair or not?"

For the seventh time, Shino gave no response. Kiba, in dire need of attention, asked Shino about what parts of the body his bugs did and did not travel on.

"Come on, Shino! It'd be something different if I said I let Akamaru's fleas breed on my skin."

At first, Shino was about to ask whether or not that did happen, but to ask that question meant that he was showing interest in whatever point Kiba was trying to make. To do _that_ meant that Kiba would never shut up.

"They travel where I travel. Intercourse between insects is not a topic worth discussing."

Kiba leaned back on the bench and took another swig of toso from the bottle Akamaru had stolen for him (though the dog wouldn't get anything to enhance his sexual desire).

"I'm just saying, man, that if I were you, the bugs would have to stay above the equator. Anything down south is only accessible by my hands, a female's hands, or a dog's paw."

Shino chose his words carefully and tried to avoid starting a prolonged conversation.

"You let a dog's paw touch your areas?"

Kiba scoffed. From what Shino could tell from Kiba's expression, he thought that Kiba felt that whatever he and his dogs did was wrong.

"Hey, it's _my_ dog! _My_ dick! I can do whatever I want. All the dogs do is help me when I'm alone and don't have something I can get off to."

Shino raised an eyebrow. "So you let your dogs help you? Kiba, I know that a dog is supposed to be man's best friend, but doesn't that go too far?"

"It's better than having fleas bite you when you're trying to jerk off, right?"

Shino got up and walked off. Either the conversation had just ended for him or something Kiba said had hit a nerve.

Shino forced himself to believe that it was neither of those.

---------------------------------------

In Suna, the topic of snow was like Gaara's penis: it just didn't come up.

Therefore, Kankuro would have to come up with a better explanation as to what happened to his sock.

"Kankuro?"

"What?"

_"Kankuro!!"_

"All right, all right, don't get your panties in a-"

Kankuro didn't get a chance to finish his sentence since Temari knocked the wind out of him with an unexpected punch. She didn't enjoy repeating herself, except to Gaara, of course.

"What the hell did you hit me so hard for?!"

The response was a kick that narrowly missed the groin.

"Would you mind explaining how _this_," she paused and held up the sock that seemed to be leaking from the bottom, "happened. And I suggest you answer carefully. If your response is what I think it is, I'll be using your puppets for target practice."

Kankuro shoved his hands into his pockets. "I left it in the freezer…halfway…with only the end of the sock sitting inside."

Temari wasn't that stupid. "Right, and I suppose that the refrigerator is so cold that it causes the liquid on the sock to be so sticky and moist?"

"Damn it, Temari! Can't I do what I want in private?!"

"Not if you're gonna leave behind your socks after you've wasted them. Your little men aren't gonna like having to live in a sock from now on."

"You know, if you feel like violating yourself, the least you could do is do it on something that's _not_ a part of the house! You think I enjoy finding stuff like this on my daily snooping."

"If it's such a big deal to you, just wash the sock. That's what I always do and I've never complained."

"When you're doing this to yourself, the last thing you want to do is complain. That'll be the last time I let you overdose in Konoha. Ever since we got back, you've been acting like a freak that hasn't gotten any."

"Well, can you blame me?!" He went over and pushed his window open, showing Temari something she'd literally seen millions of times. "Look at this village! There's sand every which way! You tell me how someone in this village could get any if they tried! If there's no sex around here, I need to do something to suppress my urges."

Temari shrugged and threw the sock into the hallway. "Why not just watch pornography?"

"I said _suppress_!"

---------------------------------------

Couples were openly discussing their sessions from the previous night, various kunoichi were trying to insert the dull end of their kunai into insertion slots that were more suitable for other items, Ichiraku Ramen had more customers than ever, and Anko was currently walking through the streets of Konoha, feeling very pleased with herself. Not only had she punished Sasuke for what he'd done, but she had a few ideas of how to combat the Sharingan when Kakashi's turn came.

"You look happy."

The kunai Anko was twirling on her finger went spiraling into the air at the sound of Genma's voice. He, like Kakashi, had a habit of popping up at completely unexpected moments.

"Genma, what the hell? If you're looking for Shizune, I haven't seen her around."

The senbon nearly fell out of Genma's mouth. "Huh? No, it's not that. Anyway, word has it that Shizune got a bit crazy and shot her stream all over Nidaime-sama's face."

Anko tried to ignore the blistering pain that came from the kunai landing her right big toe. She'd get someone to look at it, but this current issue had to be resolved. Because Anko wasn't a sensible person and didn't know how to lightly approach topics, she responded the only way she knew how to.

"What the fuck did you say?"

"Yeah, news spreads quickly. Anyway, I've gotta find Kakashi. I just wanted to let you know that so you and Shizune don't go off in pairs anymore."

"_Anymore?_ Who the hell have you been talking t-?"

Genma was off, and even though Anko could have chased after him (and caught him by extreme force), her foot was now top priority, so off to the Hokage's tower she went.

---------------------------------------

Since tonight would be Neji's big night, he had to go off and…ask for advice on how to please a woman on what he referred to "a social gathering where two or more persons of the same or opposite gender come together to a meeting that was arranged in advance."

"…so Neji-sama is going out on a date with Tenten-san?" was always the response.

And since Tenten had fainted before Neji found her, she had no recollection of being brought to the Hyuuga mansion, but she _did_ know one thing: someone had been constantly calling her name. Someone who had too much free time that could be spent making themselves stronger, someone who needed to uphold the proud title of their clan instead of coming off like a little pervert.

Someone like Hanabi.

"Tenten-san? _Tenten-san_? Come on, I know you can hear me. Do I have to show you my behind?"

Dear God, no.

Tenten shot forward and nearly knocked Hanabi off of the bed. By the look on her face, the threat of someone's behind being shoved in Tenten's face brought her back to reality. It took her a few seconds to realize that she was back in the Hyuuga mansion and not talking to Hinata, as she originally thought.

"Huh? Hanabi? Where's Hinata?"

"She was never here, remember? I was just hoping that Neji-niisan would bring her home like he did with you."

Tenten rolled her eyes. _"So I _did_ faint."_

"But Neji-niisan told me to tell you that you have to be ready for your little date in an hour. He wants to get their early to beat the rush, but he wants to leave late so he can get into your underwear."

"He said that?"

"No, but it'd be funny if he did. That's just what I think he wants to do."

Tenten just stared at Hanabi for twelve seconds before leaning back to rest her head on the pillow.

"You know, Hanabi, for a member of the Hyuuga clan, you aren't exactly the most civilized person to talk to."

"I know…I know"

Hanabi trailed off and looked out the window while Tenten got out of the bed.

"It may be a bit late for me to go home and find something to wear. The only formal thing I can think of is what I wore to the Sandaime's funeral."

"You have to have more than that, Tenten. How's Neji gonna feel if he finds out that he has to rip through a two layer black skintight suit in order to see you in the nude?"

Tenten slowly turned her heads towards Hanabi and stared at her awkwardly.

"Hanabi, do you get out often?"

"No."

"Do you talk to anyone here?"

"Just Hinata-sama and Neji-niisan."

"Have you had anything to drink since you showed me the refrigerator?"

Hanabi didn't have an answer for that one, but Tenten knew from Hanabi's breath that she'd had a bit more toso than she could handle. Thankfully, she hadn't shown any signs of increased hormones yet.

"I need you to show me what Hinata has to wear. Knowing her breast size, half of what she has wouldn't fit me, but it's worth a shot."

"But where are you going now?"

"If it's in an hour, I need to get freshened up."

Hanabi catapulted herself off of the bed and landed before Tenten with a huge grin that could rival Naruto's.

"Oh, that reminds me, Tenten-san!"

She held out her right index finger.

"You wanna sniff my finger?"

Of course Tenten didn't know about Hanabi's…lack of personal hygiene, so she gave a great whiff and…

"Gah! What the hell is that stench?!"

"My po-"

Tenten clamped her hand over Hanabi's mouth and shushed her.

"Never mind, I don't think I wanna know."

And with that, Tenten kicked Hanabi out of the room and went into the bathroom to get herself ready for her big date tonight.

While _in_ the bathroom, however, Tenten stared at her panties and wondered if it'd be possible to sneak a bottle or three of toso in there in order to spruce things up.

Tenten's train of thought was interrupted when Hanabi unexpectedly burst into the bathroom. Hanabi wasn't at all fazed by the sight of Tenten sitting on the toilet with her legs spread because she'd burst in on Hinata dozens of times (though she could do without the sight of Hinata's hand between her legs).

"ARGH! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!" Tenten screamed as she made an attempt to cover her exposed body.

"I forgot to mention that Neji says that for what you two plan to do after the date, he wants you to shave your buns."

Tenten took her hands away from her private area and ran them across her two well groomed buns in her hair. She gasped at the thought at having to lose them just because she and Neji were going out, but if they were going to do something after the date, like have sex, she was willing to make a few sacrifices.

Even so…

"Hanabi, why would Neji want me to cut my hair?"

Hanabi rolled her eyes and walked out of the bathroom _without bothering to close the door_ orspray air freshener Before she walked out of Tenten's sight, however, she gave her another cheeky grin.

"He didn't mean _those_ buns."

-------------------------------------

**Note: **About the mecha tea, it is an actual tea that's mostly popular in sushi restaurants and has a bitter green aftertaste. I'm saying this because I don't just want to throw random bits of information in there that a Naruto reader wouldn't know about, but to provide some facts for what's included and add a bit of realism to the story since this is something that people would drink as opposed to something generic.


	18. Big First Date

**Note:** This chapter came out _way_ longer than I expected it to. I hope it doesn't put anyone to sleep because of the length.

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**Big First Date!**

"Neji's going to sleep with me tonight!"

Oh, what Tenten wouldn't give to see the true pride of the Hyuuga Clan. Tenten took a good look in the mirror and sighed. The first date _had_ to be the best one.

"Maybe if I stuff my bra a little bit," Tenten whispered as she looked at her breasts.

Tenten didn't have a flat chest, but she wasn't as ample as Tsunade or as small as Sakura. She grabbed some tissue out of a nearby dispenser and stuffed some clumps into each cup of her bra.

Hanabi walked with a cup of toso in her hand and a nice blush across her cheeks. Her movement was off due to the amount of alcohol that was now making its way through her system.

"H-Hey, Tenten, why not just do this without a bra? That way, if Neji-sama uses his Byakugan, he won't have to look hard enough."

Tenten snorted and tried to lightly brush Hanabi aside, but instead knocked her down. "Neji is _not_ a pervert."

Hanabi snorted and brushed some hair out of her face. "Tenten, the Hyuuga Clan has the ability to see through walls. How are we _not_ perverts?"

"Neji is an exception. Besides, if he really wants something, he'll be glad to know that I'm not wearing any panties."

Hanabi hiccupped and slapped Tenten on her ass so hard that it sounded like a whip cracking. "Don't wo…worry about it, buns. Neji-sama will take care of everything," she said, extending her arms as far as she could to emphasize her point.

Tenten clenched her teeth as she felt the fires on her behind grow. "All right, then. I'm going, but don't pass out on the floor."

Hanabi grinned and held out her right pinky, one of the fingers that had spent a considerable amount of time near Hanabi's behind.

"Let's pinky swear on it."

Tenten put her hands on her hips. "Does that pinky smell like shit?"

Hanabi looked at her pinky, then to Tenten, then the nearby refrigerator, and finally, to the discarded piece of toilet paper with an all too familiar streak sticking out of her room.

"No."

Based on that alone, Tenten accepted as she and Hanabi locked their pinky fingers.

"You leave Neji-sama in one piece."

"And you don't get drunk and pass out."

"Hey, no promises," Hanabi said as she went off to something to occupy her time.

Tenten slid the door open, lifted her breasts a bit, and made her way towards the restaurant where she'd have her first big date. Nothing could ruin the moment since Tenten knew that she and Neji were a match made in Heaven. Since couples in Konoha were turning in early nowadays, Tenten knew she and Neji would be alone. After all, nothing's worse than having a secret put out into the open.

---------------------------------------

"Iruka-sensei, do you masturbate?"

The piece of chalk Iruka had been using to write on the board began to run diagonally in squiggly, spaghetti-like curves and lines. After ten seconds of that agonizing screech, Naruto grabbed the piece of chalk from Iruka and broke it in half.

"I asked you a question, sensei."

Iruka narrowed his eyes and slowly looked at Naruto. "Naruto, where'd you learn that word?"

"I read about it in a magazine, but Kakashi-sensei just gave me and Sasuke the full explanation."

"Naruto, this isn't the right place to ask that question."

"Like hell it is!" one of the students of the class yelled as he stood up. "If our teacher masturbates, it's perfectly fine for us to do it." The student turned around to address the class. "Don't you guys want to know if Iruka-sensei does it?"

The class responded with an enthusiastic "Yes" as Iruka found himself backed into a corner.

"It's happened involuntarily, but it's happened," Iruka finally said as his students sat back in their seats. "I was about twelve at the time and I had a pillow between my legs one morning. I kept shuffling back and forth until it felt like I ran out of chakra. But that was the only time, I swear. I've made an oath to myself to never do it again."

Finally, one woman in the front row stood up. She didn't have on a top, so she used her forehead protector to cover her nipples.

"Um…Iruka-sensei, that's a _female_ masturbation technique, not male."

Iruka knew that, but he was hoping that Naruto didn't. From the flabbergasted expression on Naruto's face, he seemed to have arrived at a conclusion.

"Iruka-sensei, you were a cross dresser and you forgot your gender, didn't you?! I knew it when you-"

Naruto's attention was diverted when one of the handouts caught his eye. He walked over to the desk, grabbed the sheet of paper, and held it up right in front of his eyes. On the paper magazine cutouts of a man and a woman, but they weren't asleep, they were _naked_. The man was laying on his back with his leg spread and, from what Naruto could see, he had his _election_ inside the woman. The woman was sitting up a bit with her feet between the man's elbows. Across the top of the paper read "The Head to Toe Position."

"You're supposed to pull the string on the back of the paper!" another student yelled.

When Naruto pulled the string, the woman's legs extended past the man's face as his election went deeper into her. Naruto pulled the string over and over and over until Iruka came over and snatched the paper from his hands.

"N-now, listen Naruto, I know that this may seem a bit scary for you, but I want you to know that I'm here to-"

Naruto was still mystified by the positions. "Wow…I want to do _that_ to Sakura-chan!"

One woman stood up and looked at Naruto.

"I can help, but it'll cost you."

"But I don't have any money."

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Neji, dressed in a black suit and white tee, was walking back and forth in the kitchen of the sushi restaurant where he planned to meet Tenten. Aside from the steam, yells, and banging of pots and pans, Neji was perfectly calm…somewhat. Nothing made Neji falter, but he had to make this date absolutely perfect if he was going to uphold the name of the Hyuuga Clan, and possibly get to know Tenten a little better.

"Look here," Neji called to a nearby chef, "everything better go right tonight or you'll have to deal with the entire Hyuuga Clan. Understand?"

The chef, a sweaty looking man with a bottle of sake in his hand, snorted as he seized Neji's throat and filled him with precious alcohol.

"Shut up and drink your fill, you damn Hyuuga!"

Neji's responses were blocked by the bottle between his lips. Slowly, but surely, Neji began to lose all of his inhibitions and felt no fear. As his eyes lowered and face blush, Neji realized the unthinkable had happened.

He was drunk while wearing a suit.

A chef from the main floor kicked in the door to the kitchen, sweaty and gasping for breath.

"Neji-san, the woman has arrived. Shall I have her take her seat?"

The sake bottle flew out of Neji's mouth, causing some of the leftover alcohol to spill onto the floor. "Seat her and tell her to prepare herself."

"Immediately!" the cook responded, but before he left, he turned back around to Neji. "Um…Neji-san, have you been drinking?"

Neji nearly tripped over a stack of pots, but he leaned onto a shelf and caught himself.

"Drinking?! Me?! Sir, shame on you!"

"I'm over here, Neji-san."

"Oh…of course you are. Never mind, I'll tell her myself."

Neji pushed the cook and a shelf aside and slowly made his way towards the kitchen door. At first, he leaned on it and was about to drift off into dreamland, but one of the chefs tapped him on the back of his neck with a hot spatula and he was sent careening out of the kitchen with a high pitched yell.

The first chef looked to the second. "A drunk Hyuuga; this is a once in a lifetime opportunity."

"Yeah…so what did his girlfriend look like?"

"She's underage!"

"I know, but…that makes it easier."

---------------------------------------

Tenten noticed that all of the patrons in the restaurant were giving her odd stares as they made their way to their seats. Tenten sniffed herself to make sure she didn't offend and figured that they were just jealous of her full chest, even the males.

"Maybe I could use a little more lipstick," she mumbled to herself.

A cold hand slammed down on Tenten's shoulder, scaring the hell out of her. She grabbed a few emergency shuriken off of the bottom of her shoe and was about to throw them when she realized that Neji …was leering at her chest.

"Tenten…you look very formal tonight, but I think that clothing may be too tight on your body. Perhaps if you removed a few layers…or two…or hell, you could take it _all-_"

"Um, Neji," Tenten interrupted as she scooted closer to the table, "I think the dirty talk is bad for the restaurant."

"No, it isn't!" one woman two tables over yelled. "Neji, use your Gentle Fist on my breasts!"

"Well-"

Tenten leapt across the table to and gripped Neji's ear, causing him to wince. "Neji!"

"Aaargh…can't do it."

The woman put her breasts back into her dress and sat back down, letting out a defeated sigh. Her presumed husband gave Neji a deadly gaze, but Neji reinterpreted it as affection and just smiled back at him.

Tenten twiddled her thumbs in her lap. If this date was going to be a success, there had to be interaction, but she wasn't about to make the first move. Neji organized this, so let him start talking.

"Tenten, I want to thank you for coming out and I hope that Hanabi didn't give you any trouble."

_He's sober for now,_ Tenten thought. "It's fine, Neji-kun, but I'm surprised that you wanted to do this. You barely talk when we're in our team and claim that you don't relate to people. Well, I'm proud of you for coming out of yourself."

Neji, for once, was not being the cynical, heartless bastard people had made him out to be and people could see the nice boy that he really was underneath that so-called tough exterior. If Neji was like this more often, maybe people would like him for who he is as opposed to his reputation as a Hyu-

"Yes, we'll both have the tempura appetizer. I don't _know_ if she likes fried shrimp or vegetables, but what girl like her doesn't?"

Neji hadn't heard a damn thing Tenten said. He was talking to a bubbly, attractive looking waitress with flowing blue hair that matched her eyes.

"So," the waitress began as she pushed her glasses up and ran her pencil over her pad, "you'll both be having the tempura as your entrée, correct? And the young Hyuuga here will have chirashi sushi, what will you be having?"

Neji saw Tenten sticking her finger in and out of her mouth. She was teasing him, damn it! Well, at least, that's what the effects of the alcohol were telling him. Neji fought back by slipping his right hand up the waitress' skirt, causing her to shudder and hunch her shoulders.

"I'll have the sashimi boat," Tenten finally said, much to the surprise of the waitress.

"You plan on eating thirty five pieces of raw fish in one night? Do you _want_ to run everyone out of your home?"

Tenten shoved her menu into the waitress' hand. "_Fine_, then I'll have sashimi _dinner_."

"Is that with orgasm soup or rice?"

Neji's hand came right out of the woman's underwear as Tenten stared incredulously at the waiter.

"What?"

"I-I meant miso soup or rice."

"Rice is fine."

Hoping to get Tenten in the mood, Neji called over the violinist, stuffed some money in his suit pocket, and whispered something before he called everyone's attention.

"_EVERYONE_," Neji screamed as he broke a nice crystal glass against the table. "I have an announcement to make: Tenten is a powerful kunoichi with talent and undefined beauty. I wish to sing our song tonight.

Tenten blinked. "We have a song?"

They have a song?

"Maestro, if you please."

The violinist played an ascending beginning tone.

Neji didn't smile, he smirked. He didn't laugh at things that were funny; he scoffed at the misfortunes of others. He didn't get all crazy whenever a woman walked by, like Kiba or Naruto would; he just stared with total indifference. Fortunately, Neji, now blushing from the sake, began singing the one and only song that described Tenten and _didn't_ describe him.

"If…you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."

Tenten, as well as the rest of the patrons in the restaurant, clapped along with Neji.

"If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!"

Neji then clapped his hands in a way that people do to say "job well done."

"If you're happy and you know it, stomp your feet," Neji continued as he, Tenten, the patrons, and even the violinist, stomped their feet. "If you're happy and you know it, stomp your feet! If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, if you're happy and you know it, stomp your feet!"

One woman stood up. "Mix it up a little bit!"

"If you're happy and you know it, lose some clothes!"

Into the air went Neji's vest, along with several other articles of clothing from the patrons.

"If you're happy and you know it, lose _more_ clothes!"

This time, Neji's shirt went into the air, but it didn't come back into his hands. Instead, a black bra found its way into his hands. Tenten joined in and tossed her shoes into the air.

"If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, if you're happy and you know it-"

"EVERYBODY GET NAKED!"

A split second later, the kitchen door swung open. The head chef got more than an eyeful when a pair of panties landed on his face and a couple was trying to make love on the table.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" the chef demanded as more glasses broke from his thundering voice. Everyone grabbed what little clothing they had left and made their way back into their seats. "This is a restaurant…not a KARAOKE BAR FOR ORGIES!"

"Can't it be both?"

The man scurried under his table in time to dodge the butcher knife that would've taken his head. The waiter, livid as ever, went over to Neji and Tenten and dropped both their entrées _and_ main dishes on the table.

"Wait, shouldn't these come separately?"

"You want the food or not?"

Tenten watched the chef disappear before looking back at Neji. "What's his problem?"

Neji was rearranging his shirt. "I don't know. Some people have real problems. Anyway, ignore him and let's eat before the food gets cold."

Tenten's mouth almost sprung a leak, though this was due to a special sauce that had been added in her rice, complements of Jiraiya.

Tenten picked up her chopsticks and started with her rice. "Neji, how come you aren't this vibrant? You're quiet and antisocial." Tenten let her chopsticks move around in the rice before picking up a clump and putting it in her mouth. _Who would've thought that it would take a bit of alcohol to make him a likeable person to more people?_

Neji stared at a piece of fish he was holding between his chopsticks before eating the morsel.

"I don't know, Tenten. Maybe it's because of the alcohol."

Neji dug into his tempura and waited until all of the sauce stopped dripping off of his shrimp.

"Well, I can't change who I am just for the sake of others."

"That's a bit selfish, isn't it?"

Neji and Tenten ate _and_ debated for a good twenty minutes and when that time expired, each of them still had half of their meals left.

Tenten swallowed a piece of fish before drinking a bit of water. "I think that you're a jackass at heart, Neji, but that's only because you force that personality on other people."

Neji nodded. He wouldn't deny what both he and Tenten knew was true.

"But at the same time, you have a better side. The whole singing bit? The Neji I know never would have done that."

Tenten reached her hand and across the table to grab Neji's hand, but it landed in a clump of rice that Neji was eating out of. Neji lifted his chopsticks and found a hand in his rice.

"Tenten, your hand is in my food."

Tenten pulled her hand back and started eating her food. The two of them continued their meals in silence for the next fifteen minutes and Tenten began to regret not wearing underwear when it got a bit chilly down south.

-

-

After ten minutes of an intense staring contest, Neji and Tenten looked up when the same waitress from before came over to their table and gave them what appeared to be complimentary chocolates. As Tenten picked hers up, she saw something sticking out from underneath.

"What's this under the chocolates?"

The waitress pushed her glasses up. "Yes, you take care of that whenever."

Neji blinked at the price. "The cost is cheap. It's not even a solid hundred ryou and I asked the violinist to play a song."

"The chef said that after your little clothes stunt, he heard some of the people say that they were going to come back because they enjoyed taking their clothes off while they ate _and_ getting free music at the same time."

Neji and Tenten nodded at one another. After all, who wouldn't want to enjoy the luxuries of eating half clothed?

"So if there's anything else that you want to do before you leave, go right ahead."

The waitress whispered something into Neji's ear, causing him to grin perversely, before walking off and tracing her hand down her right thigh.

"What did she say?"

Neji shrugged. "Something about how she'd pay me to come back and do a private strip for her."

"As a Hyuuga, would you really do that?"

"No. There's not enough money in it." Neji then got out of his chair and pushed it in, then walked over to Tenten and got her out of her seat. "In the meantime, would you like to dance?"

Tenten was nervous not because she didn't dance, but she was afraid that Neji was going to grope her, or possibly the other way around. They were both sober for the moment, so why the hell not?

"All right, but no ass grabbing."

Neji led Tenten out to the center of the dining hall where several other couples were already dancing, or something close to it. Neji wrapped his right hand around Tenten's waist and took her left hand.

"Do you think that Gai-sensei would approve of this?"

Neji scoffed. "Gai approves of wearing green jumpsuits in public. I think he could let this slide."

"Good point."

---------------------------------------

Outside the restaurant, Jiraiya chuckled. He'd been recording the entire date between Neji and Tenten with a camcorder, but he had to turn away when he saw either Neji or Tenten pull…a certain move on each other while they danced. He was going to make a lot of money off of this sex drug as long as he wasn't exposed.

A sudden poof from behind scared the daylights out of Jiraiya as he scrambled to keep the camcorder pointed towards the restaurant.

"Kakashi, don't scare me like tha-"

Kakashi held up his hand. "J, we gotta talk. I think we're in serious trouble here."

---------------------------------------

**Note:** Uh-oh. Looks like someone's possibly been found out! Does this spell doom for Kakashi and Jiraiya?

Thank you for reading.


	19. Yuppies From Hell

**Chapter 19: Yuppies From Hell**

"They're going to kill us, you know."

Night had fallen on Konoha and Kakashi bit his finger as he thought about death. Tsunade would show no him no mercy for causing Konoha to become sexually active.

"You're overreacting, Kakashi. Look around us; we've put the 'sex' in 'Konoha.'"

Before Jiraiya could continue, Hinata bumped into him, but she had her head down and fingers tented.

"Jiraiya-sama? Do…do you have…the item?"

Jiraiya blinked a few times as he tried to figure out what Hinata was talking about, but remembered the unlabeled video in his pocket.

"Here you are, little lady. I hope it has what you wanted."

Hinata looked up and smiled, but sniffed the video a few times to make sure it was not contaminated. When she finished, she bowed her head.

"Thank you very much, Jiraiya-sama!"

Then she hugged Jiraiya.

Jiraiya, unlike most men, would get excited if _any_ female came within five feet of him and didn't slap him. If a woman tried to hug him, he prayed that they didn't notice him growing manly. He tried to force Hinata off of him, but her grip could have competed with Tsunade if she was drunk. Hinata was so excited that she did not notice something hard poking her in the forehead.

"Hey, big ones, you have to wait for me to get the blood out first!"

Hinata did not let go despite the stares she was getting from various women walking down the road. One of them sucked her teeth when she saw Hinata lick her lips in joy, but her friend was too busy checking out Kakashi's ass.

When Kakashi had enough, he forced Hinata off of Jiraiya and told her to take her special video home. As she ran home, she yelled loud enough for Jiraiya to hear that she would promise to read one story from _Icha Icha_ without fainting.

"Thanks, Kakashi. You saved me from a rough one back there. If you didn't stop me, I would've taken her do-"

"What did you do?"

Jiraiya stopped walking when Kakashi stared right at him. "I gave her a video."

Kakashi tugged at his hair. "I _know_ that, but what was on the video, why does she need it, and who is 'big ones?' If that was a sex tape and Hiashi found out, he'd kill you."

Jiraiya gasped as he placed his hand on his heart and let his jaw drop. "_Me_? This whole thing was _your_ idea! And besides, we've done a good thing, Kakashi. Couples are staying out later than sundown, Tsunade hasn't assigned a mission since she hit the bottle and I have enough material to turn my series into a novel! Nothing could go wrong!"

Kakashi stopped walking and observed the couples walking into a club. "J, we need to go to a bar."

"You mean that_wasn't_ why you dragged me here?"

Kakashi waved his hand and dismissed that thought. "We're not going to drink, J. We're going to see if anyone's gone too far." He paused to find a stakeout point and he honed in on the bar across the road. Kakashi could smell the cheap sake and cigarette smoke coming from the bar before he took a step forward.

Jiraiya turned to see what Kakashi was looking at before he almost fainted. "I can't go in there. It looks like yuppies from hell."

"Which is what makes it the perfect spot."

Jiraiya's eyes wandered back and forth to the nearby convenience store. It was still open, so he could buy some time by giving Kakashi a brief history lesson. He grabbed Kakashi's hand and dragged him into the store.

"W-w-wait a second, before we go in, I have to show you something important."

"What do you mean 'wait a second?'"

Once Jiraiya had reached the far end of the store near the cooking supplies, he grabbed a bottle off of a shelf.

"I'm gonna learn you something, Kakashi."

Kakashi twitched at Jiraiya's brilliant grammar.

"This is the reason why I always beat Tsunade at poker."

As Jiraiya held the bottle in his hand, Kakashi lowered his eye. "Olive oil?"

"Yes! See, if you coat your stomach with olive oil, you can drink all night and not get drunk."

"Is that right?"

"I saw it on television. It was a special on tips for shinobi who entertain a lot."

Jiraiya put the half finished bottle of olive oil on the shelf and prepared to leave, but Kakashi stopped him.

"W-what are you doing? Give me that. What are you doing?"

"I'm putting it back."

"No, you can't put it back. You've already opened it and now you have to pay for it."

As Kakashi walked towards the checkout counter, ideas ran through Jiraiya's head as he slapped himself two times. Kakashi had the Sharingan. He was known as _Copy Ninja no Kakashi_ and _Sharingan no Kakashi_ and is said to have copied more than one thousand jutsus. He practically _stole_ moves for a living, so what the hell?

"I don't understand you. You'd steal the world's most forbidden jutsu by watching the guy make the hand signs, but we have to pay for a bottle of olive oil?"

"J," Kakashi began as they walked down the road, "we're shinobi. When you get right down to it, it's not _what_ you steal…it's who you steal it from."

"So it's like virginity?"

"Now you get it."

Jiraiya chuckled and looked to the stars, but once again, a female- Tenten this time- bumped into him. Her head was down for the moment, but Neji was holding her up.

Tenten ignored the violation of her buns long enough to raise her head and look at Kakashi. A violent feeling in her stomach told her that dinner was about to come back out of her mouth.

"Kakashi-sensei, I've been drinking…I mean I've been _thinking_…_you_ should be our sensei."

Neji let out a quiet groan and pushed Tenten past Kakashi.

"_Excuse_ us, but she needs to be put to bed."

Tenten turned around and gave Neji a look that screamed 'Take me now.' She traced her hand up Neji's shirt.

"Oh?"

"No, Tenten. I mean I'm going to _put_ you in a bed so you can sleep this off."

Tenten frowned. "Well, damn."

-

-

-

_Damn indeed_, Kakashi thought as he waved smoke out of his face and swatted beams of overhead lights dancing over his vest.

Jiraiya closed his eyes and took a deep breath before reaching forward and squeezing the behind of a woman sitting in a nearby stool.

The woman turned around, drool running down her throat, but she knew that face anywhere, as she had been tricked into modeling for a certain magazine a few months back. The drool vanished and she analyzed Jiraiya for a few seconds before pouring her drink in his face and storming out.

"Asshole!"

Jiraiya watched the woman's behind sway back and forth and ignored to the pain in his cheek. He made a mental note to make her ass the centerfold for his next issue.

Kakashi shook his head. "You have a way with women, J. Those that you don't get you in trouble can't get far away from you."

"Look, I got us free seats. Thank me later."

Kakashi and Jiraiya sat at the counter and tried to spot something strange, but nothing came up. There was the occasional couple who would ask for something to spice up their love life, but when Kakashi showed them a page out of _Icha Icha_, they left the bar in shame.

Jiraiya pulled several vials out of his pocket and told the bartender to mix it into whatever customers wanted. The bartender tried to thank Jiraiya, but he kept covering his head whenever random customers tried grabbing his hair or taking his scrolls. Jiraiya buried his head in his hands when two underage kunoichi mistook him for the "delicious" Maito Gai.

"Do you think we stand out in here?"

The bartender cleared his throat and took out a writing pad.

"What're ya having?"

"Oh, I'll have a cranberry juice."

Jiraiya tented his fingers for five seconds before looking to his left and right to make sure no one recognized him.

"I'll take a…Kir Royale. "Just keep 'em coming. I'll have a few, maybe a table of them, like a _bucket_ of them and-"

Kakashi kept Jiraiya from putting his hands in the air to exaggerate how drunk he wanted to get.

"J…take it easy. Give him one Kir Royale."

"You got it."

When the bartender was out of sight, Kakashi punched Jiraiya on the shoulder. "What is wrong with you?"

"It's this place. I feel like I'm at an ANBU convention or something."

ANBU conventions never ended the way they were supposed to, which was with an oath and a prayer. They always turned into wild piles of sweaty, slippery sex where the last one standing received a bigger mask and the first one out had to clean everyone's mask since they had telltale stains on them.

Jiraiya didn't have any stains to clean, but being caught by someone would be a huge blemish on his record, not to say that Jiraiya had a spotless record in the first place.

Minutes later, the bartender returned and served Kakashi and Jiraiya their drinks, but Jiraiya could not put Kakashi and cranberry juice together.

"What does Anko see in you?"

"Well, the Sharingan, hypnotism, nonchalant attitude, prolonged drive, and anything else that you lack. And keep a lookout for Tsunade."

Jiraiya slapped his forehead. "Kakashi, you're driving me crazy. First off, Tsunade is the Hokage and wouldn't be caught dead in a bar."

"But…she's the Legendary _Sucker_, right?"

"Yeah, but she doesn't leave the bad aftertaste in your mouth… that's not the point! She won't be in here unless she's on official business, so unless she _has_ to come here for a drink, she won't show up."

-

-

Tsunade wrinkled her nose before sneezing over an A-rank mission scroll. "Oh, damn it." She began wiping the mucus off of the scroll with her robe.

Shizune looked up from her scroll and wagged her finger at Tsunade. "The correct words are 'bless you,' Tsunade-sama."

Tsunade tapped her fingers with such force that she put dents in the desk. "You little fuc-"

Kurenai, tired of counting bumps in the carpet, cleared her throat. "Erm…Tsunade-sama, are you going to tell me why you summoned me?"

Tsunade looked up and remembered Kurenai had been there for the past ten minutes. "Of course, Kurenai. There has been an increase in sexual activity in Konoha, but we have not found the source of the outbreak. I have not seen Jiraiya or Kakashi since this began, they are my prime suspects."

"I see, but what am I supposed to do? Ask for leads or take them out?"

"Neither. I need you to head to the seedy _Midnight_ bar. Around this time, Jiraiya goes from bar to bar to find some tease that he can get into bed. He should be there now, even though he doesn't like the bar."

"Why doesn't he like the bar?"

"He says it's like yuppies from hell or something like that."

"All…right, so if I find Jiraiya, what do I do next?"

"You should sleep with him."

Tsunade and Kurenai looked at Shizune, who had hunched her shoulders and backed into a corner. From the nonchalant tone in her voice, Shizune must have had some experience.

"Shizune-san, how could you say such a thing?! Tsunade-sama, is this appropriate?"

Tsunade blinked several times, not expecting to be brought into this. She let her eyes wander back and forth between the two women before clearing her throat.

"No… it was not. Shizune, how dare you steal my idea? Kurenai, if you can't sleep with him, at least get him drunk enough to talk. If there's any type of chemical in the alcohol, he'll start confessing."

Shizune rolled her eyes. _Only you would know_.

Kurenai hung her head in defeat and placed the thought of angry sex in the back of her mind for later.

"Understood, Tsunade-sama. I'll return as soon as I can."

Tsunade put her feet up on her desk and went back to reading mission scrolls, but not before giving warning Kurenai about her assignment.

"Don't lose your virginity again,"

Kurenai shuddered as she walked out of the office. She clenched her fist and bit her tongue when she heard Tsunade and Shizune sharing a laugh in the office, but she ignored it.

"I guess this means no role play tonight. Jiraiya-sama better have a better night than I am."

With that, Kurenai left the tower and began looking for Jiraiya.

-

-

"Kakashi-san, it's time to take Jiraiya home."

Kakashi looked to his left. Jiraiya made his way through three Kir Royales and was working on his fourth when two women approached him…or four…or ten. He wasn't sure. Either way, he stuck his tongue out and moved closer to the pair.

"Hello, pretty ladies. I'm drinking the…Kir Royale here, but…but, you're already drinking, you don't wanna drink with me, huh?"

One of them sucked their teeth and the other tried to focus on their drink, but Jiraiya's spicy breath wrapped around them like a snake.

Jiraiya figured if smooth talking wouldn't work, yelling would, so he got near one of the women's ears so they could hear him. "_SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHEN YOU'RE NOT DRIVING YOUNG GUYS WILD?!"_

Kakashi looked back at the bartender. "You think?"

Jiraiya tried to reach out and grab one of the woman's skirts when the pair walked off, but he slipped on the floor and hit the barstool on the way down.

"No! I can make you famous…if you like being exploited!"

One of the women scoffed and threw her underwear at Jiraiya's face.

"Asshole!"

Jiraiya waited for Kakashi to turn back around so he could stuff the panties in Kakashi's pockets. He fought back the urge to cry at losing a free pair of women's underwear, but he could always get more.

Kakashi leaned over the counter to get a better look at Jiraiya before turning to the bartender.

"Have you noticed any increase in sexual activity in the past few days?"

"You don't think that people came here to dance, did you? Before last week, this place was full of bar trash and lowlifes, now I've got couples defiling my pool tables and…hey, hey! Get away from there!"

The three men looked at the woman grasping the stool with both hands and thrusting herself back and forth towards the stool as she let out a quiet groan in the process. Jiraiya took a step forward, but Kakashi held him back.

"I think I've made my point clear, J. We've done enough damage, so we should tell Tsunade-sama first thing tomorrow morning about what we did."

The woman stopped groaning long enough to hear what Kakashi had said. With Kakashi was her target, Jiraiya, but the woman cringed when she realized what she would have to do to get some answers from him. She waddled towards the Toad Sage and grabbed his arm.

"Pardon me, but are you _the_ legendary Jiraiya-sama?"

Jiraiya's eyes lit up and his fingers twitched when the woman nibbled his ear. "Why, _yes_, yes I am. Are you thirsty?"

The woman felt a shiver run down her spine when she felt Jiraiya's hand on her ass. She had been taught to endure being groped, but _this_ was sick. She already had a reputation for howling during sex, but at least it wasn't with Jiraiya.

"I…could use some tips that I read about in your creation."

For a brief moment, everything stopped for Jiraiya. The music began to fade out and the world stood still. The woman had called _Icha Icha_ a "creation," not "that fucking porno," as Anko called it, or "naughty love making secrets book," as he had heard Shizune whisper when she thought no one was around. No, she called it a creation.

Jiraiya's thoughts made their way to his mouth before he could notice. "And people who write creation always have fun. Sorry, Kakashi, but it looks like I'm going to help this…pretty woman home."

"J, are you drunk?"

"Yeah, that's why I'm taking her to my room."

Jiraiya, as if on instinct, fished through the woman's bra and was not surprised when he found a wad of bills. He handed them to the bartender.

"That's for all three of us. See you later, Kakashi."

Before Kakashi could respond, Jiraiya and the mysterious woman vanished.

Kakashi left the bar and avoided random women trying to peek under his mask. After all of this, he would not mind if Tsunade punished him herself…

_No!_ Kakashi shook his head at the thought. He was not perverted like Jiraiya. He had class and would glance at the woman's behind out of the corner of his eye, not leer at them like Jiraiya or maybe even Naruto would. Kakashi's train of thought stopped when he collided with someone who was glad to see him.

"Kakashi-kun?"

"Anko?"

Anko licked her lips and swiveled her pelvis as she hugged Kakashi.

"It's been awhile, Kakashi. After torturing one of your students, I decided I needed my Sharingan slave back, don't you-"

Anko stopped when her eyes fell on the flash of pink sticking out of Kakashi's pockets. She narrowed her eyes and snatched the pair of panties hanging from Kakashi's loins, but just for precautions, she sniffed them and stuck her tongue in the front and back. With her tongue unsatisfied, Anko gripped the underwear as hard as she could.

They didn't belong to her.

"What the _hell_ is this?"

A wave of fear fell over Kakashi when he saw the underwear. Yes, he wished the woman had thrown her pair at him instead of Jiraiya, but he didn't mean it!

"Oh, just wait."

Kakashi took a step back when he saw a glint of silver flash in Anko's hand. He was not fast enough to dodge the kunai now embedded in his chest…or so Anko thought, for as soon as the kunai hit, Kakashi vanished in a puff of smoke and a log took his place. Anko had been duped again.

-

-

_Damn you, Tsunade-sama_, the woman wondered as she pushed Jiraiya, clad in his pants, onto his bed.

Drool ran down Jiraiya's face. "Eeer…you're a pretty lady. Come here, let me show you that move you wanted to see. I promise it will hurt after fifteen seconds."

The woman froze and gritted her teeth. _Oh, hell no_. _This charade ends here. I'll get what I want from him even if I have to cut it off!_

The woman backed into the darkness. Jiraiya noted her curves as he watched her remove her shirt and throw it onto a chair. The woman swung her hair back and forth, but if Jiraiya had paid closer attention to_below_ her chest, he would have seen the woman forming hand seals.

She took a step forward, still masked by the darkness, and started removing her clothes. "Just a bit of warning before we start."

"What's that?"

"If you give me a disease-"

As the woman stepped into the light, there was a sudden _poof_ sound followed by a gush of air. Jiraiya did not know whether to smile or frown when the woman's physique changed, but he _did_ cower backwards when the glint of a hidden kunai reflected onto his face.

"-I'm going to hack your manhood _off_."

Jiraiya gripped his pants as he stared back into Kurenai's cold stare and unmoving eyes, but that kunai was getting closer and closer to the grand prize. Was this it? Had the prank brought him to the worst pain that a man could ever experience? His eyes widened and he held his hands up to offer a proposal.

"Um…couldn't we just cuddle?"


End file.
